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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In just ending the friendship...

52 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut20 · 20/02/2020 19:21

Background - I have been friends with L for years. Since high school so 14 years now. We have always been there for each other, and normally inseparable until she met M 8 months ago.

First time meeting him, there was something I wasn't keen on, but L seemed happy. But as time went on he began treating her like shit cheating on her, disappearing for days on end on drug binges using her bank card, controlling etc.
I always found him quite a creep round me, making smutty comments and being flirty.
For some reason she always takes him back, I seem to be the only friend who has stuck by her, not through his lack of trying though.

Fast forward to now, I was round at L and he was there. L had popped shop, As I was exiting the bathroom upstairs he's tried too kiss me, I've shoved him away and headed towards the stairs where he's slapped my arse.

I've asked him what the fuck he's playing it. A massive argument ensued and in not so many words he told me L would never believe me over him, so we could start something and L would never find out and he knows I've wanted him for a long time.

Deep down I know he's right. She probably would believe me, but stick by his side. Apart of me is torn because she knows what he is like and has stuck by his side. She has cut a lot of friends and family out because of him. I honestly believe she would cut me out. But I honestly don't believe I can go round there with him living there.

She already knows something's wrong because she's text why did I leave so suddenly and is everything ok. I've had to calm my DH down from going round and confronting him.

AIBU in thinking ending the friendship is the easiest option?

OP posts:
cstaff · 20/02/2020 23:57

You might as well tell her the truth. It is then on her to decide who she trusts more. Either way she will probably pick him but if she even finds out the truth or decides to believe you then there is hope for your friendship. It is a tough call.

NotALurker2 · 21/02/2020 00:33

Don't tell her and expect to stay friends with her. It will be too painful for her and your friendship won't recover. Believing him over you will be her easiest option at first, and if she realizes some day down the road that you were being honest it will be too painful to continue with the friendship anyway. Ask me how I know....

Tell her that you value her friendship but you detest M and to get back in touch with you when they break up, and until that happens she can call you if she needs to talk. That's it. Keep the incident to yourself.

Incontinencesucks · 21/02/2020 02:56

Tell hee the truth. If she chooses to believe him then that's on her but if you keep this from her it's on you. Give her a chance. If she blows it that is her choice. One way the friendship is certainly over the other is likely

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/02/2020 03:32

I would want to tell her. And say you cannot be around him anymore. You love her and you want to stay friends with her. Your door is always open. However, I do agree this is playing into his hands.

It sounds as though this is end of the road stuff for you and you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. So as others have said, you have nothing to lose by telling her.

Rumplestrumpet · 21/02/2020 03:34

You're the only friend that's stood by her throughout her relationship with M and now he comes onto you.... It's not a coincidence. He didn't specifically and intentionally to push you away so she has no one. Don't give him this gift. I'd you walk away then he'll have got what he wanted and she'll ver very vulnerable indeed.

As hard as it is, you really should tell her the truth, if o my because that's what you'd want someone to do for your own sister or daughter were she in that situation.

As others have said, preface it with a reminder that you've never given her reason to doubt your honesty or friendship, and that you know it'll be difficult to hear. Also don't present it in any way as an ultimatum - he will not doubt try to make her choose between you. And if you can, say you don't need to talk about it (because that would be difficult and embarrassing for her right now, but the time will hopefully come when you can talk about it). The only thing you really need right now is to make clear that you can't/won't spend time with him, but hope you can maintain your friendship.

Good luck

overnightangel · 21/02/2020 03:35

What pepsilola says

Maduixa · 21/02/2020 03:39

Wow. Sorry that happened.

Please do tell her; it's the right thing to do. She may disbelieve you and end the friendship, but then you're no worse off than if you proactively ended it yourself.

If she still wants to be friends, I'd tell her you will only see her separately from him (if you feel up to that). I would not assume he isn't dangerous, and he definitely sounds delusional.

AlwaysCheddar · 21/02/2020 07:18

Tell her what happened ffs!!

CodenameVillanelle · 21/02/2020 07:20

You have to tell her - accept that it might end your friendship but leave the door open for her to get in touch.

2020maddog · 21/02/2020 07:27

The only way I honestly see this ending is M winning. I tell her, friendship over. I stop interacting with her, friendship over.

Yes. This is why he did it. Hoping that you and her would fall out.

You have to tell her, but rather than seeing it as him winning, see it as you looking out for your friend. If she falls out with you, that's her call. But always leave the door open for her, if you can. She will thank you for it, one day.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 21/02/2020 07:27

Well there's no point in dumping her as a friends for no reason (as far as she knows). Tell her the truth, if she takes his side and ditches you, then you no longer have to be around him. You might be the one she believes and needs support from to keep away from him.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 21/02/2020 07:27

If you see the friendship ending anyway then you have to tell her surely? At least that way she's got the glimmer of a chance of having the scales start dropping and a chance at starting to make her way out of this mess.

In fact the only way of possibly reuniting is if she eventually leaves, which she only had a chance to do if you tell her.

OverByYer · 21/02/2020 07:31

He sexually assaulted you.
Definitely tell her. Tell her you will be there for her but not with him around. The rest is up to her

DontFundHate · 21/02/2020 07:33

Look you don't have to go seeing her all the time but please please keep up the messages so that she knows you're there for her, ESPECIALLY if she tries to cut you off, one day she'll need you

Hyrana · 21/02/2020 07:52

Tell her, she might shoot the messenger but sometimes it is for the best. Tell her you are there for her whenever. She will likely need you sometime soon and for her to have a friend that is non-judgemental would mean a lot to her.
Look after yourself and your friend.

elfies · 21/02/2020 08:07

Tell her , let her know you're there for her always , and keep in touch away from her waste of space other half . He sounds a controlling creep, and one day she'll realise and need all the friends she can get .
You sound a good friend , hopefully she'll realise x

Sunflowersok · 21/02/2020 11:56

OP if the friendship is over regardless then do the right thing and tell her what’s happened. Your DH can back you up.

I’f he hurts her or does something to her and you had the chance to warn her but didn’t, you’ll regret it. Do the right thing

Teateaandmoretea · 21/02/2020 12:12

Be honest now, hopefully eventually they split and she will be your friend again

I once told a friend her new boyfriend was a controlling creep. Predictably enough I was immediately dumped. She sent me a friend request on Facebook 15 years later after they had divorced. So you may have a wait ahead.

I think you just have to tell truth OP and let her make her decision. You can't control what she does and tbh there is no point in trying.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut20 · 21/02/2020 15:15

I have taken all your advice on board and know you are right. All I can do is leave the door ajar for her if the worst happens.

I have text her with what happened, she's at work (dont worry she wont have it on her on shift, she will see it when she finishes tonight) so I know he be able to get his hands on her phone.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 21/02/2020 15:21

Not telling her is not an option imo because it gives that sleazy creep some leverage/power over you, a secret between you and him which you definitely don't want.

100% agree with Hidingtonithing ^^

poopbear · 21/02/2020 15:25

Tell her. Message her and say “we’ve been friends through thick and thin. Sisters. You know why I left suddenly. Your fucking prick of a partner grabbed me and tried to kiss me and said shitty crap about you. So we are done. You have now lost your last friend. We’re all sick of it. I’m this close to reporting him to the police. Get rid of him and we can be friends again. He’s disgusting and a cheat., what the fuck are you doing with your life mate” you might as well be honest!

poopbear · 21/02/2020 15:26

In fact, call the police and report him!

Fr0g · 21/02/2020 15:51

tell her, be there for her - but don't see her at their home, or doing anything that involves her partner being involved.
Just dropping her as a friend sounds shitty.

MotherOfLittlePeople · 21/02/2020 15:58

You did the right thing telling her OP. She won't see any off it now and maybe won't for a while but when they do end she will need a friend x

OhCaptain · 21/02/2020 16:04

Well done for telling her, OP. That can’t have been easy.

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