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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

4 week old

42 replies

tired1245 · 20/02/2020 17:55

I have a 4 week old who just loves to be held, majority of the time I put her down, she cries, she happily settles lying on my chest, over my shoulder, or just lying next to me. At night time in her next 2 me. She'll not settle, be up every hour, and just won't be happy. I co-slept with her the past few nights and she only woke up twice throughout the night and went straight back to sleep after feeding.
My partners saying I'm being too soft and that she'll learn to be on our own in her cot, and that I need to stop letting her get her own way with her being to clingy and wanting to be with my all the time. He says, 'it's only crying' 'it's not nice but they start learning straight away'
Is he right in saying I'm being too soft?
Or should I just enjoy her being like this (which I am) and carry on with what I'm doing? I don't want her to cry. If she likes being near me and that comforts her then that's what I want to do?
AIBU to just tell him to pee off and I'll carry on with what I'm doing?

OP posts:

CastleCrasher · 20/02/2020 18:05

Carry on! Dc1 was held constantly, I wore a wrap/carrier practically permanently until she was at preschool. She's now a very confident, independent person. It hasn't made her clingy or whingy in the slightest.

Original poster

tired1245 · 20/02/2020 18:08

@CastleCrasher
I really don't mind her being like it either so I don't see why he has a problem with it! Thankyou for the reply x

OP posts:

Nowayorhighway · 20/02/2020 18:11

Four week old’s are all like this, they’re tiny and the world is scary to them. They just want to be comforted and held, they definitely can’t be ‘spoiled’. Carry on as you are, you can’t be too soft with a baby.

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 20/02/2020 18:12

Mine were in the moses basket next to me from birth. Easy to get to for feeding but in their own space. After 10 weeks, the moses basket went in the cot. At 12 weeks the baby went in the cot without the moses basket. One was a limpet, the other was not. No telling which way yours will go!

Whatsnewpussyhat · 20/02/2020 18:12

She's 4 weeks old and you are her world. This precious time is fleeting. Do whatever is best for you both.

I never co slept with the first one. She slept well and wasn't clingy. The 2nd one was the opposite and co sleeping was the only way anyone got any sleep.

user1468348545 · 20/02/2020 18:16

Tell him to read about the 4th trimester!!!

Yellowandpurple78 · 20/02/2020 18:16

You won’t regret holding her over these coming months, but you might regret not holding her and the pressure from other people to get her to conform to their idea of a ‘good’ baby.

I could have written an identical post to yours when my little girl was that age. By the time she was 5 weeks I had embraced the fact we were co-sleeping. We stopped when she was about 9/10 months (just because she wasn’t sleeping well even in bed with me!). I didn’t know true sleep exhaustion until she was approaching a year old because you really do get better sleep when you co-sleep. Embrace it, enjoy it and try showing your DH this thread or some articles on 4th trimester and importance of responsive and close parenting. Sounds like you’re doing an amazing job

Blackandgreenteas · 20/02/2020 18:24

Too soft! 😂😂😂😂

She’s 4 weeks old! You are supposed to be as soft as you like! Carry on as you are and follow your instincts . He is wrong.

NurseMumma · 20/02/2020 18:24

My DD is 5 weeks and she will sometimes settle in her Moses basket and sometimes won’t. At night we co-sleep at least part of the night because it means I’ll get some sleep. I’m breastfeeding so no help with the feeding etc. Co-sleeping means I’m able to get the sleep I need to be able to carry on breastfeeding. I doubt she’ll be sleeping on my chest when she goes to school and one day will be the last time it happens, so I’m making the most of it. They’re too young to leave to ‘cry it out’.
You do what works for you and your baby

coffeeforone · 20/02/2020 18:26

Carry on. Some babies just love to be held. My DS1 (summer baby) would happily be popped in a Moses basket. DS2 (winter born) just didn't want put down at all, and being on me was the only way he wouldn't cry. A sling was my life saver. I wonder if for mine the outside temperature had anything to do with it, but I'm 100% certain all babies are different and something it doesn't work to try to 'persuade' them that they are not a velcro baby if they just are!

Original poster

tired1245 · 20/02/2020 18:26

Thankyou all for the replies, has made me feel much better about it all.
Had an argument with partner, he's still saying I'm being 'too soft' that she'll learn to sleep in her own bed. I'll tell him to read up about the 4th trimester.
Just mad that he comes home from work all day and is trying to tell me what soothes her and how she should be.
Thankyou all! I shall now go and enjoy my cuddles even more!!

OP posts:

Cherrysherbet · 20/02/2020 18:28

Keep doing what you’re doing. You sound like a lovely Mummy. Congratulations ❤️

literategiraffe · 20/02/2020 18:33

My favourite piece of advice about babies and sleep (and I have a TERRIBLE sleeper!) is "how they sleep is only a problem if it's a problem for you". A 4 weeks all she knows is you, you are the source of everything to her. Google the 4th trimester.

I still feed my 10 month old to sleep because I don't find it a problem, I enjoy our quiet time together at the end of the day. She sleeps in her own room and will settle for others (minus the boob) happily. Enjoy the cuddles and sleepy milky breath for as long as you like, before you know it she'll be all grown up!

CatteStreet · 20/02/2020 18:35

Stand your ground. Your partner is being unrealistic at best. Sounds rather like he resents the attention and care the baby is getting. That doesn't bode well.

Teaching them to 'self-settle' is for when they're much, much (much!) older.

literategiraffe · 20/02/2020 18:35

Sorry cross posted! The 4th trimester was a real eye opener for me!

If she enjoys being held so much during the day as well you could get a sling too. Hands free to eat

Clangus00 · 20/02/2020 18:36

Google the 4th trimester your husband’s a cruel dick

Chottie · 20/02/2020 18:39

You can't spoil a baby. Enjoy all those lovely baby cuddles, they grow up so quickly. You sound a lovely mum

Original poster

tired1245 · 20/02/2020 18:40

Thankyou all, appreciate it xx

OP posts:

power0901 · 20/02/2020 18:42

My son is 6 months old and still loves to be held often. he was greatly spoiled with holding from us and family members. he is more independent now thou sometimes he crys to be put down to play. I personally never continuously co-sleeped as i was to afraid. I had a few nights here and there he ended up in bed with us. I still rock him to sleep before putting him down. i do not know want to sleep train as hes naturally figuring it out on his own. Do whats best for you and your baby. Some babies love being held and thats okay.

Alsohuman · 20/02/2020 18:47

Oh God, that’s just awful. She’s been in this big, new, alien world a month. Of course she wants to be snuggled in a warm, soft place that smells of comfort. You’re doing a great job, OP, he hasn’t a clue.

Warsawa31 · 20/02/2020 18:50

Our little one slept on my and my wife’s chest only for the first 3 months or so.
Take it in turns it’s so nice, he will probably love it if he tries it.

She is 10 months now and sleeps in her own room through the night, but if she does wake up in an unsettled mood we bring her in to us and she sleeps great. Although she star fishes across the bed so we don’t sleep lol.

You can’t mould them into anything at this age you just have to love them. Just ask yourself what is the kindest approach or what does you instinct tell you to and do that.

But deffo let him have baby for few hours at night too.

I was knackered going into work but they are wonderful memories of Tony DD asleep on me. She doesn’t sit still for a second now lol

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/02/2020 18:54

Your post makes me so angry. A man trying to take control of the situation probably because he’s jealous. Congratulations. Keep doing what you’re doing. 😍

Megan2018 · 20/02/2020 18:58

He sounds vile.
You are completely right and he is beyond wrong. Babies need to be held, leaving a 4 week old to cry is barbaric . Trust your instincts.
I have a 5 month old and still co-sleep and have to hold her all the time. If my DH told me to leave her to cry he’d be ex-DH

Stronger76 · 20/02/2020 19:00

Disclaimer - I put mine to sleep by themselves from day 1 but did end up holding/cosleeping a lot more than I was happy with due to shit sleep for us both.

My sil coslept from birth and completely shunned any offers of support - even from the dad as well as well-meaning relatives who offered a hold so she could shower, nap, eat a meal.

By 10 months she was desperate for a good chunk of sleep and moaned constantly about her velcro baby, that baby wouldn't settle with anyone else (she wouldn't, nobody else had been allowed to hold/comfort her for 10 months).

OP if co-sleeping is working for you for now, great. Please don't dismiss support - and get dad on board with the rocking/soothing to sleep with him too - so that when you really, really need to sleep, both you and baby are comfortable with it.

frenchchips · 20/02/2020 19:06

She's been inside you for 9 months. Of course she wants to be close to you!

Don't let her cry. Cuddle her close.