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Original poster

To wonder about spooning with best friend

54 replies

KnittingSocks · 20/02/2020 12:41

Has anyone ever spooned their best friend (same gender) in bed? It's happened about 5 or 6 times now when staying at each other's houses when drunk and we never speak about it afterwards.

We have an intense friendship where we're in contact all day and starting to wonder if I might have some romantic feelings for her (although always identified as heterosexual before).

Just wondering if she would spoon me if she wasn't questioning feelings too? I know women can have intense friendships so not what is normal!

OP posts:
InThisMultiverse · 20/02/2020 13:32

@ goldenorbspider forking

SonjaMorgan · 20/02/2020 13:33

I have never done it and don't have intense relationships with friends.

Have you thought about or fantasied about having sex with your friend?

ShrimpyTheGnome · 20/02/2020 13:33

being in contact all day sounds a bit more than a regular friendship (unless you work together), most people are too busy to be constantly messaging someone, even their partner.

Not necessarily. Me and my BFF message several times a day, and there's nothing between us except a deep, sisterly love.

Illberidingshotgun · 20/02/2020 13:42

Shrimpy yes there's probably different levels of acceptable contact for each of us. I'd hate it if anyone was messaging me several times a day every day, and find it quite overwhelming/intrusive but others would probably love it and benefit from it. Perhaps I'm just antisocial Grin.

ZenNudist · 20/02/2020 13:51

I wouldn't. Sounds like its developing into more than friends

suggestionsplease1 · 20/02/2020 13:51

I'm a gay woman and certainly wouldn't spoon any straight friends!

However my first gay relationship did arise out a similar situation as you're experiencing OP. I was beginning to question my sexuality and was very attracted to a (I assumed to be) straight friend as a late teen. We were sitting close together on my bed, admittedly after a few drinks, and she made a move on me and well that was that.

She must have picked up signals that it was welcome, but it's certainly an area you want to tread carefully in!

TheGirlWithAPrince · 20/02/2020 13:53

Ive spooned a friend, no feelings for her just comfy

SimonJT · 20/02/2020 13:54

It depends on the friend.

A friend stayed over Monday night, we had a good spoon/cuddle in bed, he’s my closest friend and an ex. He’s also stayed over before when my boyfriends stayed over, luckily I have a big bed. Other friends I probably wouldn’t share a bed with/spoon them.

FakeFraudSquad · 20/02/2020 13:56

Ewww fuck no.

I’m straight and would never share a bed with a friend. My mum used to spoon me when I was about 10/11 and would sometimes sleep in the same bed if Dad was away or we were on holiday and I absolutely hated it! I’d get really angry and tell her to get off.

I’d feel deeply uncomfortable. That’s something that is reserved for boyfriends only in which case I adore spooning.

GooodMythicalMorning · 20/02/2020 13:56

me and my bff probably would and it'd just be a warming cuddle nothing more but I wouldn't dream of it with anyone else.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/02/2020 14:00

No, I wouldn't spoon with a friend. It feels too intimate. I spoon with my DH and with my DC when they were little.

But my BFF and I do have a level of physical contact. We'll often sit on the sofa shoulder to shoulder or with our feet entwined on a hassock.

Original poster
KnittingSocks · 20/02/2020 14:03

Thank you for all of your responses. Some people seem to think spooning would be normal in a friendship, but most of you don't. I suppose it's such a grey area so still feeling confused!

In response to your questions:

I think I tend to initiate it before we go to sleep, but she doesn't object and then we wake up in the same position with her arm around me in the morning. One time we seemed to wake up holding hands in the morning too.

She's normally someone who isn't very huggy with people in general. In fact, I would say the opposite and I don't think she would be doing this with others. I feel like we're very close emotionally though, although she refers to someone else as her best friend though which has always confused me too! Although she's not in contact with her "best friend" as much. Maybe a few times a week. So maybe that makes me something different? Or maybe I'm looking into this too much!

I think when it's happened she was in a relationship the first few times, then the last few times she has been single but I have been in a short term relationship (recently split up). We're both heterosexual and both 24 years old.

OP posts:
Straycatstrut · 20/02/2020 14:03

I'm bi so it just wouldn't be right. It'd be like a straight man spooning
his straight female friend in bed. It'd feel like a sexual thing to me, sexual contact.

OP talk to her about it. If you're having sexual feelings she has a right to know - she may feel the same and who knows?!

Original poster
KnittingSocks · 20/02/2020 14:11

@Straycatstrut Wouldn't talking to her about it potentially ruin the friendship and freak her out?

OP posts:
helberg · 20/02/2020 14:12

I wouldn't do this but I don't really like much physical contact at all so others might be comfortable with this.
But if you're questioning whether you might have romantic feelings for her then that's a different issue and you should try to process your thoughts about this.

Juliette20 · 20/02/2020 14:19

I don't even spoon my DH, let alone a platonic friend, so it's a definite no from me. I don't like anyone touching or breathing on me when I'm trying to sleep or else I can't sleep.

ActualHornist · 20/02/2020 14:43

The only time I have ever done this is when sharing a double bed

This makes no sense. I of course meant when sharing a single bed!

ferntwist · 20/02/2020 14:47

I’ve never done this with a female friend. I think it sounds like there is something between you. Would you like it to develop? You both sound very fond of each other and it could be fantastic.

motherheroic · 20/02/2020 14:47

Sure. But I'm not the big spoon, I'm the one my friends cling to and rub their feet on. I am tall and run hot.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 20/02/2020 14:50

Hi folks,

We've had a look behind the scenes, and we're not convinced that the OP is posting with the best of intentions.

We're taking this thread down now.

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 20/02/2020 21:38

Hi, we've had a chat with the OP and are reinstating this thread now.

Darbs76 · 20/02/2020 21:45

No I definitely haven’t or wouldn’t

Sceptre86 · 20/02/2020 21:47

Some people just spoon for body heat, so not that big of a deal. Having said that I am not a big fan of people getting in my grill so to speak so would not like it. I spoon with dh and that's it. For me it would be weird if a friend did that, I have shared with my sisters and close friends and we all stick to our own side.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/02/2020 22:17

Wouldn't talking to her about it potentially ruin the friendship and freak her out?

Speaking as a straight woman, it wouldn't make me 'freak out', but it would certainly change the dynamics of the friendship for me. Just the same as if a male friend spoke to me of having feelings. It takes the friendship off of 'equal footing' I think.

It wouldn't end the friendship for me per se just because they had feelings for me, but it would make me feel I had to be more careful about things I said and/or gestures I might make to avoid them being misinterpreted. If I were single, it might make me feel that I can't talk to my friend about having feelings for or a crush on someone else. That constraint might make the friendship harder to sustain.

I think that IF you do have feelings for your friend, spooning is not fair to either of you. It's creating a longing in you that she may not be willing to fulfill. And it is wrong for you to have such close physical contact with someone without them knowing it is (or is becoming) sexual in nature.

bitheby · 20/02/2020 22:24

My ex (female) partner used to do this while staying over with female friends and tried to convince me it was purely platonic. It feels like such an intimate thing to do with someone to me so I wasn't convinced. But she seemed to think it's something quite common with female friends (all lesbians). I'm still a bit Hmm about it.

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