To think it's ok not to share money

[ToooRevealing]

Right, so this thing about "family money". My DH was one of those, a long time ago, who wanted to keep absolutely everything separate. We got a joint account for bills when we had DS1. Then after two years we sat down and recalculated things because I was always having to ask him for more money each month (I was the lower earner and on mat leave). He was happy to sling me an extra thousand quid every few months ad hoc, but that didn't work for me, I wanted us both to contribute to the children's upkeep more obviously, so he could see clothes trips treats football lessons etc all coming out of our joint money and never have any vague feeling that I'd just "overspent". He was of course fine with this (this isn't a thread about financial control, our communication is fine & power balance good!)

He still says, though, that he has "chosen a higher earning job than me"; which to be fair he did, before we ever had kids or even met each other. So while we should contribute proportionally to our joint family, we should each keep our discretionary money for ourselves. In practice he puts loads in his savings (so I'm sure I'll get it in the end, ha ha!)

But is he right? Part of me thinks yes, as long as neither if you is in financial trouble or hasn't got enough, and if you take the long view, the higher earner can stash their spare cash away in accounts the other has no access to.

But then I think it's a grey area- I'm not progressing as fast in my career as I would have done if I didn't have children, and that's not quantifiable. I am part time, so we know what we save on childcare and the value of that. But... I was part time before kids too! I like being part time & would want to stay that way. He likes being full time.

If we were both full time and both absolutely went for it, he would be earning say £100k a year and I would be earning say £90k a year. As it is, I earn £50k and he earns £100k. So this AIBU isn't about being tight for money. Am I BU wanting our discretionary personal money to be equal; or is he BU, saying that once we've provided for our family together and proportionally, we can have different discretionary amounts for fun and savings, because we have different careers? I think his view is fair, but because he loves saving money, and it's always me who pushes to spend money, that can muddy the waters.

Your DH has a point... of sorts. My OH choose a fun/creative and lower paid career, me a more boring but better paid one. I ended up with more expensive habits and circles of friends before we met.

We now share money 100%, but my spending is higher and I don't think it's right I have to curtail it just because they earn less. Any more than they should have to change their career to earn the same as me.

If you are making a life together, have children and are married then all money belongs to both of you. Why would one of you want to have more than the other? How can that even work? If you go to a restaurant does one of you order the steak and the other a pizza? Does he wear more expensive clothes than you? Do you go on separate holidays? Or is he just saving more than you? If he is just saving more than you I don't think it is as much of an issue. Those savings belong to you both whether he realises it or not. They are martial assets and would be split in two of you split up.

I agree with this. If you each of a reasonable lifestyle then I think it is ok for the higher earner to say "look I'd like to save everything that is leftover" but I can't imagine a situation where one person was going skiing twice every winter and buying himself a new car while the other person couldn't afford a hobby and was saving to get her hair cut.

What is missing from these discussions is that marriage is a partnership/building a life and family together. You are supposed to think of your spouse as the person you like and cherish most in the whole world. I couldn't imagine Dh wanting to make sure he kept all his own money - and certainly couldn't imagine doing it to him. I married him because I love and trust him.

If you are going to have children together, I don’t believe it is possible or to have a fair split with anything other than family money. You can bill him for your parenting services And career hit, but the if you do it properly, the net result probably won’t be that different than just pooling resources in the first place.

My dh earns 4 times as much as I do and both salaries go into the joint account. We then have the same amount on a direct debit to our personal accounts each month. It is the same amount as we are equal partners and any decisions we have made about my work were ones that we both considered to be in the best interests of our children.

I work part time at the minute and will do for the foreseeable future. Once the dc don’t need me around as much, I will go back to working full time. My dh has been honest and has said that whilst he is happy being the main breadwinner at the moment, once the dc are older and are towards the end of primary and going into secondary school, he would like me to work full time again so we can put more money away for retirement/school fees/uni/help dc in the future etc.

I would be resentful if dh were to have more spending money than me (not that he ever spends his!!) as we make all of our life decisions together. Dh went into a higher paying industry but he is less ambitious than I am. Once I work full time again, I will get promotions and will equal his pay.

@DesLynamsMoustache

That is exactly what I have been saying but people seem to think it means one partner can holiday in the West Indies whilst the other has to go to Weston Super Mare.
And they are also forgetting the OP hasnt made the choice to work PT for childcare reasons it what she did before children and what she wants to continue doing even when they are grown. So why should she have the same personal spends as DH?

My partner earns 50% less than me and is part-time. I view it as we both work full time and my partner's work is a mix of paid employment and looking after the kids. My partner also does all the cooking, but I do offer! I had more savings when we married, but saw that as ours as soon as we married. We have pretty similar values when it comes to what we want to spend money on and I think that is the most important thing. Best of luck.

Umm, women have come a long way the past century. Here at least we have the same opportunities in education, jobs and freedom of choice as our partners. In just one generation I have different choices to my mum and vastly different ones to my grandmother.
You can join the same rat race as your DP/DH work, and chip in to childcare costs and the household exactly as he does.