To think it's ok not to share money

[ToooRevealing]

Right, so this thing about "family money". My DH was one of those, a long time ago, who wanted to keep absolutely everything separate. We got a joint account for bills when we had DS1. Then after two years we sat down and recalculated things because I was always having to ask him for more money each month (I was the lower earner and on mat leave). He was happy to sling me an extra thousand quid every few months ad hoc, but that didn't work for me, I wanted us both to contribute to the children's upkeep more obviously, so he could see clothes trips treats football lessons etc all coming out of our joint money and never have any vague feeling that I'd just "overspent". He was of course fine with this (this isn't a thread about financial control, our communication is fine & power balance good!)

He still says, though, that he has "chosen a higher earning job than me"; which to be fair he did, before we ever had kids or even met each other. So while we should contribute proportionally to our joint family, we should each keep our discretionary money for ourselves. In practice he puts loads in his savings (so I'm sure I'll get it in the end, ha ha!)

But is he right? Part of me thinks yes, as long as neither if you is in financial trouble or hasn't got enough, and if you take the long view, the higher earner can stash their spare cash away in accounts the other has no access to.

But then I think it's a grey area- I'm not progressing as fast in my career as I would have done if I didn't have children, and that's not quantifiable. I am part time, so we know what we save on childcare and the value of that. But... I was part time before kids too! I like being part time & would want to stay that way. He likes being full time.

If we were both full time and both absolutely went for it, he would be earning say £100k a year and I would be earning say £90k a year. As it is, I earn £50k and he earns £100k. So this AIBU isn't about being tight for money. Am I BU wanting our discretionary personal money to be equal; or is he BU, saying that once we've provided for our family together and proportionally, we can have different discretionary amounts for fun and savings, because we have different careers? I think his view is fair, but because he loves saving money, and it's always me who pushes to spend money, that can muddy the waters.

I'm the (much) lower earner and also the saver. We have separate bank accounts but we have full access to them. I could contribute more monthly but it would be pointless,then the money would just go and we'd have no buffer.

In the past 3 months, OH hasn't had a lot of work(self employed) the boiler went, the washer dryer went, we got a substantial electric bill,the car windscreen got smashed and so on. The fact that I've been saving for a few years meant that not only could I cover all of that , but also pick up the slack on paying the bills and topping up his bank account.

It's my safety net as well if things go to shit, he doesn't have one but he has his wage which 3-4 times what I earn.

@TwitcherOfCurtains I imagine it would be a big test of our relationship like anyone’s but I don’t think we would be more or less likely to split than anyone else. We would be more financially able to cope with it than the average couple as we each have a property (rent out mine and live in his). I think it would actually be hardest on whoever was unable to work as neither of us would be good at being a dependent.

I voted based on the headline that you were being U as I think all family money should be shared - I mean, does Prince William say to Kate, oh you stay in a hotel because you did not earn the royal money so you cannot stay in a castle with me? Of course not, absurd - she married into the family money - and so did every other person, no matter what income, when you marry, you marry the family money.

Both of us have also experienced times when we have been unable to work through illness or injury so I think the risks are all too real for us and we understand that but equally we have fought for our independence harder than most so we don’t relinquish it easily!

The thing is, in law, any financial assets / savings that he accumulates while married to you is jointly owned. Whether he keeps it in a separate bank account or not is largely irrelevant. If you were to split, you would be entitled to a share of the earnings he saved. It's called matrimonial assets. www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2017/matrimonial-and-non-matrimonial-assets/

"Matrimonial assets are financial assets that you and/or your spouse acquire during the course of your marriage. This differs to non-matrimonial assets, which are financial assets acquired either before or after your marriage.

Matrimonial assets typically include things such as the family home, pensions and savings. It doesn’t really matter who put the money forward or who accumulated the wealth. When you’re married, the law in England and Wales considers that any assets you acquire also belong to your husband or wife. Therefore if you contribute towards a pension during your marriage, your spouse is entitled to a share of it.

I actually can’t believe how many of you feel so entitled to your husbands money from having children, very backwards thinking in such a ‘woman power’ era

IT’S NOT HIS MONEY! Or at least, it shouldn’t be, in a proper partnership. She’s enabling his high earning by doing the lion’s share with the children and at home. They’re a team and should act like one.

I don't think money has to go into a shared pool to be fair. We have never had a joint account, married 40 years, but we each pay for certain things and have roughly the same left for personal spends, actually he probably has a bit more due to smoking but it isn't significant.

In your case I can see that your husband has a point, there is enough money so no one is struggling. You made a choice that having more free time was more important than money so you can't just say you want his. Obviously a bit different while you are at home with kids but you say you were part time before kids so that was a choice you made. I think that makes it more complicated and I'm not sure which is fair. I can see both sides.

Sorry that was no use at all really.

Just wanted to add that I don't think it is because he earns more than you, it is because you chose to work less. As I said before obviously different while you are at home with children but you chose to be part time before children and having less money is part of that decision.

Honestly, OP? I think your dh hasn't really understood what marriage/being a family is supposed to mean. It's somehow very - not quite sure what the word is, so I'll have to go with 'odd' - to actually marry someone, and/or have a child and build a life with them, and to hoard a load of money of your own 'because I chose the higher-paying job'. If you don't want to practise marital/family solidarity, don't commit to someone else.

Dh and I work in different fields, have similar earning power and have had all sorts of combinations of levels of contribution to the family over our two decades together. Trying and failing to imagine either of us saying 'well, I have the more lucrative job at this moment in time so I'll keep more and afford more than you, thank you very much'.

Obviously is there is a practical need toi ring-fence particular funds, such as a business or children from previous relationships, that is one thing, but these sometimes hugely pedantic housemate-type arrangements I keep reading about on here ('he pays mortgage, petrol, 35.6% of the children's activities except shoes and I pay 91.8% of the food bill, the electricity and children's shoes except shoelaces') just strike me as having missed what marriage is actually about.

I think all money should be shared. That's the way DH and I have done it since we got married.

We opened a joint account and closed our separate accounts. All money except money giving for birthdays or Christmas is OUR money.

Why should someone have far more spending money just because they are lucky enough to earn more?

We’ve been married 20 years with separate finances, no joint account. We used to have one until he got it in a complete mess and I had to sort it out. Financial management is definitely not his forte so he doesn’t get to do it. Our savings are in my name so he can’t spend them.

Family money and shared finances work well when you share the same approach to money and are both adept at financial management. When only one is and the other is a spendthrift, it simply doesn’t work and someone has to step up and be the adult.

That’s about us, by the way, OP, I’m not implying it’s the same in your case.

Obviously is there is a practical need toi ring-fence particular funds, such as a business or children from previous relationships, that is one thing, but these sometimes hugely pedantic housemate-type arrangements I keep reading about on here ('he pays mortgage, petrol, 35.6% of the children's activities except shoes and I pay 91.8% of the food bill, the electricity and children's shoes except shoelaces') just strike me as having missed what marriage is actually about.

^^This with bells on.

In the event of a divorce, would you split down the middle or leave the higher earner with more of the assets?

I actually can’t believe how many of you feel so entitled to your husbands money from having children, very backwards thinking in such a ‘woman power’ era

This!

It's very prevalent here on MN, though.

One of my friends works 3 days per week in a very low-stress, no thoughts about work outside 9-5, type job. She had a better, higher paying job but decided she didn't like the pressure so unilaterally decided to quit that one.

Her DH works long hours in a high-stress job which pays well.

My friend still wants a £10k+ holiday every 2 years, new car every 3, and spends a good part of her 2 spare days per week in salons, shopping for clothes, out for coffee, etc. She openly admits to hating any sort of housework and cooking, so has a cleaner in on one of her days off, and her DH cooks 4 nights to her 3, so she's not picking up the slack at home.

(Before anyone says I'm not her friend, for being so frank about this, it's nothing I don't say to her face, and I love her to bits as she's been such a lovely, compassionate, supportive friend over 3 decades. And she openly admits to being a slacker!)

Is it fair that everything they earn between them should be equally split after bills?

IMO it's absolutely not.

@lynsey91

Why should someone have far more spending money just because they are lucky enough to earn more?

If it is genuinely 'luck', I might agree. If it's 10+ years of further study, hard-slog professional development, incredible stress and long hours, plus international travel every other week, I might not.

Why should someone have far more spending money just because they are lucky enough to earn more?

Lucky to earn more?? haha that's not how it works, people who have jobs that pay 100K work hard to get those jobs - and the OP said she is choosing to work part time - so she could earn almost the same as her DH if she would work full time.

Sorry YANBU.

Once you have kids or are married ( or similar) All income is should be viewed as family money, in the same way as the kids are are both parents responsibility and not just the mums as she looks after them more. Spending money should be agreed after all expenses and savings are made and should be fair.

DH and I have never had joint finances, we don’t have a joint account. We worked a system whereby he pays certain bills each month and I pay others. I pay for my car and he pays for his. If DC need something he will send me money towards it or vice versa or one will just get it and the other will get the next thing. We take it turns to buy the food shop which also works for us. I suppose everyone has their own system really but we both like having our own personal money to spend on ourselves or on things for the house too. Tbf we earn a fairly equal amount so I suppose that helps.

Your situation will only really change if you go to work FT and both split childcare costs but you have said in your OP you don’t wish to do that. If you want more personal money, it seems like the only option really.

When we met my DH and I earned very similar amounts. We both agreed I’d be a SAHM while DC were pre-school age so my earning potential took a hit, but realistically even if I’d stayed in my field (bank manager) my earning potential was never as high as his. He works in the city and annual bonuses in his field can be as much as the average high st bank manager would earn in a year.

Ever since we’ve been married, regardless of who is bringing in what, our money has gone into a joint account. For years there was very little disposable income so there was no debate about how to spend it. Once there was spare cash we’ve discussed savings and investments. Apart from separate ISAs and pensions, everything is in joint names. My DH thinks that my being at home with DC and then only working PT to allow me time to be responsible for the home, enabled his career progression and so any money he earns belongs equally to the two of us.

I think this depends on the equality and power in the relationship and how you really communicate. DH and I earnt similar amount of money before we started having children. We were both in careers that would have allowed us to carry on similar amounts of money in relation to our abilities and ability to commit to work. We share the same values and attitude to work and work life balance. Then I retrained and started a new career and took time off work, then was very part-time whilst the kids were younger. I earn less than him now but could potentially rebuild my new career and be more on a level pegging (with a bit of luck)... Because neither of us believe the other is a slacker we have a very equitable arrangement regarding finances and approach to domestic chores and responsibilities. Although we earn different amounts after all our bills are accounted for we both put the same money into our separate accounts- that is equal for discretionary spending. So we both have the same money for clothes going out etc. He obviously contributes more to household bills because he earns more. We would see it that I didn't choose to earn less than him nor am I working any less hard than him (nor have I ever). We organised our careers and thus financial rewards to benefit each other and family. ...
If your other half is a slacker (whether in the home or at when or mixed) whilst you work hard to earn more I can see that it might make it difficult to be more equitable. Even whilst I was at home full time dh recognised I was working my arse off with a high energy toddler and non sleeping baby I was definitely more physically knackered

IMO neither of you are right or wrong. But having a difference of opinion can cause issues - finances are fundamental so can cause division if you're not aligned.

Myself and DW have common finances but not joint accounts. We spreadsheet all expenses and have various pots that we put direct debits into. I earn a lot more than she does, so we tend to do most monthly direct debits for bills from my account directly, then calculate yearly expenses (I do standing order into one of her accounts to build up and then she pays out from that account), and any remaining I pay as standing order to her savings accounts

we both keep really only a small amount for 'pocket money' and if we need anything else we transfer the money across as needed.

Earning more/less by 'choice' isn't really a fair comment though - you both 'chose' to have children and you both 'chose' that disproportionately you looked after them. So effectively you both chose for you to have a lower paying job because of the impact of children.

my DW and I both agree its joint money. If we both agreed it was separate money that'd be ok too - but if we disagreed, I think we'd try and get to a compromise we're both happy with as soon as possible

@Alsohuman thats me and the wife too. She's a saver, I'm a spender. I have terrible financial history and am crap with money. She's slowly teaching me the ways. In the meantime we aim to have almost zero disposable income in my accounts and all savings accounts are in her name. What I don't have, I can't spend.

My dh earns about 10k more than me, used to be 30k more but I'm catching up, planning to overtake

We have a joint account and contribute equally for household bills, food, rent etc. Otherwise we have separate money, usually he pays when we go for dinner but I pay for everything else I do from my account

It's a different scenario if you have children and one person, generally the woman, doesn't go back to work full time. Not a position I would ever personally put myself in

What happens to DH’s savings? Does he just spend them on himself or the family? Does it mean he can go on a fancy holiday by himself or with the DC, but you can’t come as you can’t afford it? He gets a nice new car, you get an old second hand one? He gets new clothes, you shop in charity shops? I couldn’t live with that disparity.

Like a few others on here when DH and I met we were on similar salaries in the same profession, and in fact I was the higher qualified one. However, DH was much more career driven and confident so was always going to end up the higher earner.

I went PT and then SAHM after having DC which helped DH progress in his career. We share family finances.

We share everything, but that doesn’t mean 50:50, but rather according to needs. Even when I was the higher earned dh spent more as his hobbies are more expensive than mine. But we get equal enjoyment out of them. We each give according to our ability (work, health, education level etc) and each receive according to our needs (enjoyment, clothes etc). In my mind that’s how a partnership works.

I'm probably one of the minority in thinking YABU. If you said you are only working part time because of the children, then I would say that absolutely the money should be treated as 'family money', because you are sacrificing your salary so that as a family you don't have to pay childcare.

But, you said you like working part time, worked part time before you had children and would work part time if you didn't have children. Presumably you are planning to continue to work part time, even when the children are older and don't necessarily need that anymore. So in this case I feel like it's your choice to work part time, earn less money and potentially progress a lot slower, so I think it's unreasonable to expect your husband to have to contribute towards the choice that you are making.