Not attending destination wedding

[imfine]

I've missed my childhood best friend's destination wedding. DH thinks I should have gone. It's in south east Asia and it wasn't possible for all of us to go so I would have had to go by myself. I'm glad I decided not to due to now the corona virus outbreak. When I was invited, obviously we didn't know about this. But now looking at the photos, it looked amazing and i kind of wish (a little bit) I was there. A last minute ticket would have been fine financially but if I had gone, I would have to come back to self quarantine for 2 weeks. I can't really miss that much work.

A bit of background: when I received the invitation, I really thought about it but decided to decline. We don't really see each other much. I moved away from home town a long long time ago. If I'm back in the area we try to meet up. They have only come to me a couple of times. She was my bridesmaid over 10 years ago and always said that I'd be hers. But now that the time came round, I haven't been asked. I understood that as she has a different friendship group now with people she is close to. On the hen do, I met the bridesmaids who were lovely. But unexpectedly, what seemed like an after thought, she told me that if I had been going out to the wedding, she would make me bridesmaid. Kind of implied that she didn't ask me as she knew I wasn't going to be there so there was no point. But now I'm a bit because, surely this conversation would have happened before even the invitation stage if she really meant what she said. For our wedding, We took her out for a meal to ask her, she was one of the first friends to know we were engaged.
Anyway, the hen do was a bit chaotic, timings, locations and activities kept changing. I was the only from out of town so changes affected me more, having to rearrange where I'm staying at last minute etc. I thought at that time, flying to a random country by myself where I didn't know anyone and where schedules might change constantly, would be too stressful. It sealed the decision then.
I still don't really regret the decision, but looking through FB pics and telling DH they all look amazing, he thinks I just talked myself out of it and only came up with the reasons above to justify it all.
AiBU to have missed it for those reasons above?

Move on. It's done.

Why would you have had to self quarantine?

I wouldn’t give it any more thought. You can’t change it and it’s not going to affect you in the future. Forget about it.

I wouldn't feel bad, it's a big ask. Your DH is talking bollocks.

I don’t think you’d have missed out on much; I wouldn’t have gone in your position

I don't think you missed out on anything

When people have destination weddings they have to expect that lots of people can’t or won’t go. That’s the choice they make.

I wouldn't have gone either. Don't worry about it. If she's a good friend she'd understand and there won't be an issue. You can't plan a wedding on the other side of the world and get upset if some people don't come.

@hairyxmasturkey it's a high risk area and just advice from work. It maybe over cautious.

The day probably was amazing, but there would have been a load of hassle to go with it. In a similar way I look at people's exotic remote holidays and think 'I wish I was there' but the reality of hours of travelling with 2 small children makes me glad we are are going to Devon!

I kind of get the bridesmaid thing. It means she has avoided putting pressure on you to come but if you had gone she would have happily added you in. It's a bit weird to tell you though!

@BendingSpoons that's a really good way of looking at the bridesmaid thing. I hadn't thought that maybe she didn't want to pressure me.

Pictures always make things look better than they are. A wedding is still a wedding at the end of the day. You just have a bit of fomo.

And thanks, yes I'm moving on but I was fine with my decision until DH made me feel like I've missed out!

But the country is still there and will still be amazing. You can plan a family holiday to the destination and all enjoy it.
The wedding was a wedding. They're all much of a muchness in reality, and the photos are staged.

I think you did the right thing. Apart from the wedding there's lots of other time spent in a foreign country. Not fun on your own ... I've missed weddings abroad and yes, the photos looked great, but wedding photos usually do!

I think that's probably over cautious but if your work were demanding it then yes I would probably have missed it too OP.

Destination weddings are annoying- I don't think the couple can expect that anyone goes unless they're paying. We've been on one and it was a lovely day but apart from that a forced holiday somewhere we never would have been.

You say you dont see each other that much, so are you sad that it looked like an amazing destination now you've seen the pictures? Or are you sad you werent asked to be a bridesmaid?

I honestly wouldnt give it that much thought

I sort of have some sympathy with the bridesmaid situation. My bridesmaids were distance friends because at the time I got married I wasn't living near any of my friends. It did make it harder and if I'd had a mix of local and distance friends I may have just gone with local friends as bridesmaids.

Ah yes misschatterbox. I definitely have fomo. Just thinking I could have been in that sunshine swimming in that sea after looking at the weather we've had here!

Government advice is only to self quarantine if you’ve been up hubei or Wuhan. Other places you only need to quarantine yourself if you develop symptoms.

I don't mean I just missed going to a nice exotic place btw. I wish I was there having fun with my friend.

When she gets back can you have a celebration just the two of you, perhaps with fizz and cupcakes?

I wouldn't worry though. Lots of people will have had to decline. I got married abroad because I'm from there and only some of our friends from here could come. It's ok! It didn't affect the friendships at all.

Everyone knows the rule with destination weddings and that is- not everyone is going to come. Its ridiculous to expect others to fork out shed loads on travel, book time off work, arrange childcare etc for their wedding. Its fine to have a destination wedding but you know that people probably wont come. I wonder if thats half the appeal of them
But yeah, let this go. I'd far rather spend the money on a lovely holiday in the sun with my kids then someone else's wedding

It's unreasonable to go to the hen do and then skip the wedding! So rude! The bride was obviously pissed off which is why she was trying to guilt trip you.

Let this be a lesson for the future OP - only regret the things you haven’t done and seize future opportunities as you get them! But this one you have to put behind you and move on, you can’t change it.