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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can very different incomes work?

38 replies

PinkGinAndTacos · 20/02/2020 00:36

I'm a single mum to 2 DC. I dont earn a great wage. I work full time. I don't get maintenance.
I pay my bills. Buy food. Pay for my daughters private medical treatment (about £250 a month)
And I'm trying to pay off debt. There isn't anything left after that.
I am applying for weekend jobs because I can't continue with the money problems and never being able to buy nice things or treat my kids. Always looking over my shoulder for the next wave of bills to knock me back. I find the financial situation the hardest part of being a single mum.

Dp earns nearly 3x's my salary. He has less outgoing than I do. He regularly buys himself frivolous gifts. I'm beginning to resent it. I'm jealous. (We don't live together)
I've ended up with a lot of expensive Bill's and weve had to cancel trips/dinners out and anything else that I cant afford. The difference in our earnings is becoming more and more apparent. I totally get that he has worked really hard to get the job he has, I am happy for him that he is financially secure but I cant help but feel if it was the other way around and he was drowning that I'd have helped him out a long time ago. It's clear the toll that the pace of my life is having a very detrimental effect on me. It's making me ill. I dread to think how horrendous I will be taking a second job but I'm not really sure what else I can do. I e gone over my bills with a toothcombe. There isn't much I can do to reduce them. I meal plan and shop at Aldi. Every month before I get paid I run out of money and have to use my credit card, this is the debt I'm also trying to pay off. Then something bad will happen and I have to put it on the credit card. I've told dp I'm getting a second job, the reasons why and explained that we wont get to see much of one another. I've said a few times now that hed probably be better off without me. He insists that hes really happy in our relationship and we'll figure it out.

Be kind because I'm so so mentally tired and I dont know what to do. The debt I have isn't massive......but it's like vicious circle that I get close to paying it off and then something comes along and boof I'm back to square one. I don't know what to do. I love him but I resent him.

OP posts:

Fantasiaa · 20/02/2020 00:37

Tbh , not really.

Miajk · 20/02/2020 00:49

It can work but only if you're both on the same page.

My partner and I have a joint bank account where we put 50% of what we make, rest stays in our individual accounts. I currently make more than him but he has less outgoings and he's better at managing money. Before that (my salary incrwading) he would pay for me a lot as I would be always skint.

I get where you're coming from, as my DP comes from a very entitled background compared to myself and in early days of caused a few arguments.

If it's a serious relationship I would advise you to consider how you think you'll manage finances together in the future. It's his money but it's also not fair for you to be struggling if he's living a much nicer lifestyle, if you're supposed to be a team.

ThePants999 · 20/02/2020 01:02

Works absolutely fine for us, but that's because our circumstances are totally different to yours - married, and the children are ours, so we have totally joint finances. The fact that one of us earns 7x the income of the other is entirely irrelevant to us - we pool it all and get the same disposable income.

pallisers · 20/02/2020 01:07

A lot would depend on how long you are together. Is it 4 months or a year or 2 years. This would change the way I'd look at this.

But in the end of the day this isn't about the finances really. If your partner was earning less that you but sympathised with you and was kind and tried to help a bit like making dinners for you or whatever, you wouldn't care. It is that you see this man who is supposed to like/love you see you struggle and strive without any interest. It is about how invested and caring you think he is in you.

So basically either you are with a guy who:

PapayaCoconut · 20/02/2020 01:12

It only works if you're married and sharing everything. It doesn't sound like he would be the type to share everything though, given that he doesn't help you now.

shinyredbus · 20/02/2020 01:12

what would you like for him to do? Share his money with you or lend you some or?.... sorry im confused what your AIBU is about.

Also - how long have you been together?

Munkers · 20/02/2020 01:16

Instead of waiting for him to offer financial help, why don’t you try asking? You’ll have your answer then.

Original poster

PinkGinAndTacos · 20/02/2020 01:16

Been together over 7 years (I've lost count if I'm honest)
I don't want him to lend me money. I dont have the means to pay him back and would be in exactly the same situation but owing him the money.
I feel like he holds back on us living together because he knows he would be partly responsible for the finances and he likes having all of his money to himself. This probably wasn't really an AIBU.

OP posts:

MsMD · 20/02/2020 01:19

7 years and not living together and watching someone struggle that much? He's a boyfriend, not a DP.

altiara · 20/02/2020 01:21

I think because you don’t live together then maybe you’re not at the stage of sharing finances.
Could you move in together to reduce bills/rent?

pallisers · 20/02/2020 01:24

7 years and not living together and watching someone struggle that much? He's a boyfriend, not a DP.

Yes and a not very kind boyfriend either.

You might be a lot better without this unkind man, OP. It is not like he adds anything to your life financially and he doesn't make you feel loved or cherished either does he.

Tinkity · 20/02/2020 01:24

I am happy for him that he is financially secure but I cant help but feel if it was the other way around and he was drowning that I'd have helped him out a long time ago.

But in your last thread, you said your DP offered to pay half of your DD’s medical bills but you turned him down because you don’t feel comfortable taking money from him, so which is it?

On one hand, you are resentful that your DP is comfortable & isn’t helping you out financially yet when he does offer, you turn him down so he can’t really win.

Do you really not feel comfortable taking money from him or are you disingenuously saying no in the hope that he will insist / not take no for an answer? Is him taking you at your word, the real reason you feel resentful?

ShyTown · 20/02/2020 01:25

Works for us but we’ve been together since we were students, children are ours together and everything has been completely joint since we got married.

Everyone has different ways of doing things but after 7 years together most people would have moved in together and with that often comes pooling of some money even if it’s just a joint account for household stuff.

BiarritzCrackers · 20/02/2020 01:37

If a couple aren't living together, it could be quite awkward to receive money from your partner - what would you find helpful to be financially supported with? He could pay for the dates and socialising you do together, but what you're describing is difficulty meeting the costs of living itself.

Do you want to live with him, aside from the money? Does he have a significant role in your children's life, and does he want to extend that?

TSSDNCOP · 20/02/2020 01:50

There’s bigger things at play here surely. Why, after 7 years, have you not decided to live together/marry? I honestly don’t think you could expect someone who has their own domestic arrangements to shore up yours unless you’ve moved in together and agreed a financial arrangement.

finn1020 · 20/02/2020 04:00

I thought you were going to say you’d been together 6-12 months.

He’s not your partner, he’s behaving like a casual boyfriend. While it’s absolutely not his RESPONSIBILITY to prop you up financially, I would think after 7 years he knows you and the kids enough to want to move in together, and WOULD actually want to help you financially rather than see you always struggling and exhausted and stressed.

I have 3 kids, my partner has 2 kids, we’d been together but not living together for about 18 months or so when he lost his job. They all moved into my house then, and I did need to pay more into the joint money pot (he did have savings though) to support us all. To not do so would have meant he’d be under severe financial stress, and that would have also impacted negatively on our relationship. It did work out, he got another job and we recovered financially, but your partner seems really unkind and uncaring if your life pressures and financial stress don’t bother him.

But I guess he still gets sex, someone to do stuff with when he feels like it, all while seemingly able to switch off from you when those needs of his are met. It seems so uncaring though, not the sign of a loving relationship at all, just all the easy simple bits of a casual relationship.

Honestly OP, I’d be thinking carefully about what benefits he brings to your life, especially given that he seems so thoughtless, uncaring and unkind. If he was different perhaps a relationship between you being financially unequal would work, but the way it seems to be going it seems a bit sad really.

BritWifeinUSA · 20/02/2020 04:14

It does work for us. I earn a 6-figure salary and my husband makes nothing. He takes care of the house and volunteers at an animal shelter. But we don’t have “my money” and “his money”. I contribute 100% financially but he contributes 100% in other respects. And we are married and living together. I believe that’s the difference.

LolaSmiles · 20/02/2020 04:37

There's a difference in finances between being married or in a long term cohabiting relationship and seeing someone you don't live with.

I personally wouldn't be expecting a boyfriend/ girlfriend who don't live together to have blended finances and think it's unfair to compare outgoings. For example you have 2 children, does he?

Given you turned down help from him according to other posters, I'm not sure he can win here.

I think you both need to discuss where this relationship is going long term to be honest.

Original poster

PinkGinAndTacos · 20/02/2020 05:43

I would love for us to live together and have wanted him to move in for a long time. I've offered him many alternatives ie moving so we had a place that was ours, not mine as I can see how hard it could be to move into someone else's house. He says he wants us to live together but theres always an excuse. He has so much stuff. I'd go as far as saying hes a hoarder but its collections of items and memorabilia that fill his house. I get very frustrated by how much stuff he has, its completely out of control but he doesnt see it like that. He always worries that there wont be room for his belongings if we live together. I also worry about where we would put it all. I'm not being overly dramatic. His house is full of stuff.
He has offered in the past to pay for part of my dd's treatment but I felt uncomfortable in the sense that he would use it against me later on or might not be consistent with it and I dont want anything to jeopardise her getting the help she is getting. That might be my own insecurity but at the time he offered it I didn't feel comfortable taling the money.
Sometimes I just think he doesnt get it. I feel so mentally drained and have done for quite some time that i don't know how to figure it all out in my head. He plays a very significant role in the children's lives and they love him. We went through a really bad patch in the new year and he has made efforts to improve ie being more consistent about coming over at weekends and spending quality time with the kids. I just think I'm completely exhausted. Everyone can see it. Everyone keeps saying how shit I look. How i cant carry on the way things are but no one actually does anything to help. I just cant see a time when things will be better and I am tired of existing rather than living/thriving.

OP posts:

ArriettyJones · 20/02/2020 05:51

Do NOT move in with a hoarder. That is a far bigger issue than income disparity (which can work depending on the arrangements and people involved).

To be honest, he sounds quite self-absorbed and unsupportive. If it were the other way around would you not treat him to the odd meal out instead of insisting on 50/50?

Mumdiva99 · 20/02/2020 05:51

Sorry you are feeling this way. Your biggest outgoing sounds like the medical treatment.

How old is your daughter and why are you not using the NHS?
why do you not receive maintenance? Put in a claim.
have you recently done the benefits checker? Maybe you are entitled to help.
the bf doesn't sound like there is a future....you want to live with a partner - he doesn't....is he helping and adding to your life? If not think carefully about what you want.

Good luck.

LolaSmiles · 20/02/2020 05:52

Sorry to hear that OP.

I'm afraid the writing is on the wall. If you've not moved in after 7 years and there's still excuses then he probably doesn't want to ever move in.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, so it may take some time to cut loose.

Yogawoogie · 20/02/2020 05:56

Why don’t you get maintenance? Surely it’s the children’s dad you should be angry at,he should be supporting his children.

ArriettyJones · 20/02/2020 05:59

Being angry at a man who consistently evades paying CM is a waste of emotional energy. It is far too easy for them to do under the current system.

Original poster

PinkGinAndTacos · 20/02/2020 06:02

The NHS waiting lists are horrific and the reviews for the service we are waiting for are diabolical. I'm not holding out much hope for when we get to the front of the line. Dd needed urgent treatment and I couldn't wait a year for her to be seen so I have paid privately.
I have a claim in with CMS but every time they track my ex down he quits his job. This has been a repeated pattern for 10 years!
I'm definitely getting the right amount of tax credits. I'm not entitled to help with rent or council tax. I was working pt. Went full time to try and improve our living standards and we are no better off, except now I'm stuck ft and cant go back to pt. I like my job and have a very supportive manager which helps with day to day stresses. I am constantly looking for other jobs that pay better within my company (I worked really hard to get a foot in the door there so don't really want to leave)
I would like to do some further training to improve my employment prospects and have spoken to careers advisors about what would benefit me so i know what I need to do, but right now I dont have the money to do them.

OP posts:

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