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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can very different incomes work?

38 replies

PinkGinAndTacos · 20/02/2020 00:36

I'm a single mum to 2 DC. I dont earn a great wage. I work full time. I don't get maintenance.
I pay my bills. Buy food. Pay for my daughters private medical treatment (about £250 a month)
And I'm trying to pay off debt. There isn't anything left after that.
I am applying for weekend jobs because I can't continue with the money problems and never being able to buy nice things or treat my kids. Always looking over my shoulder for the next wave of bills to knock me back. I find the financial situation the hardest part of being a single mum.

Dp earns nearly 3x's my salary. He has less outgoing than I do. He regularly buys himself frivolous gifts. I'm beginning to resent it. I'm jealous. (We don't live together)
I've ended up with a lot of expensive Bill's and weve had to cancel trips/dinners out and anything else that I cant afford. The difference in our earnings is becoming more and more apparent. I totally get that he has worked really hard to get the job he has, I am happy for him that he is financially secure but I cant help but feel if it was the other way around and he was drowning that I'd have helped him out a long time ago. It's clear the toll that the pace of my life is having a very detrimental effect on me. It's making me ill. I dread to think how horrendous I will be taking a second job but I'm not really sure what else I can do. I e gone over my bills with a toothcombe. There isn't much I can do to reduce them. I meal plan and shop at Aldi. Every month before I get paid I run out of money and have to use my credit card, this is the debt I'm also trying to pay off. Then something bad will happen and I have to put it on the credit card. I've told dp I'm getting a second job, the reasons why and explained that we wont get to see much of one another. I've said a few times now that hed probably be better off without me. He insists that hes really happy in our relationship and we'll figure it out.

Be kind because I'm so so mentally tired and I dont know what to do. The debt I have isn't massive......but it's like vicious circle that I get close to paying it off and then something comes along and boof I'm back to square one. I don't know what to do. I love him but I resent him.

OP posts:

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 20/02/2020 06:06

So he HAS offered to help in the past with the medical bills but you declined but now you're complaining he DOESNT help out?!

Sorry I think you're being unreasonable

You're not married and you don't live together so in my opinion you aren't in that committed of a relationship so he has no obligation to pay for things?

Big gap in incomes works for us but we are married live together and have DC together

Foreverlexicon · 20/02/2020 06:08

Jeez 7 years. That doesn’t sound like much of a partnership.

I’ve been with my gf six months. She’s struggling financially for various reasons whereas I’m fairly financially fortunate.

She won’t accept ‘proper’ help but I do turn up occasionally with a food shop, insist on paying if we go out to do anything expensive, do the majority of the traveling (we live an hour apart) to save her fuel costs. She never asks or expects it so she isn’t taking advantage but I can’t see her scrimping by on beans and toast and I know expensive days out are beyond her means right now so if I want to do it, I’m more than happy to pay.

Original poster

PinkGinAndTacos · 20/02/2020 06:10

I'd love to live with him......I've wanted to for years.
It's not that I declined his help, I was sceptical that it would materialistic or continue. I dont think he understood that this treatment will be going on for quite some time.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkGinAndTacos · 20/02/2020 06:11

Materialise not materialistic

OP posts:

user1480880826 · 20/02/2020 06:14

If he really does understand the extent of your financial problems then I think he sounds like a very unpleasant person. I can’t imagine watching someone that I love struggle that much, especially if there are children involved.

It doesn’t sound like you will ever live together. If it’s been going on for 7 years then I can’t really see how things are going to change.

Weffiepops · 20/02/2020 06:15

Dump him, he's selfish and is keeping you there for shag, plus one for events etc until someone better comes along. 7yrs sheesh, you've sold yourself short for a long time. Go find someone who'll help you, you'll always be skint with this guy in your life.

Jennifer2r · 20/02/2020 07:56

Why would you love to live with him?

PooWillyBumBum · 20/02/2020 08:06

I thought you were being unreasonable until I got to the part that you’ve been together 7 years. I think it’s time to move on!

Lazypuppy · 20/02/2020 08:07

But if one month he doesn't pay the medicalbills for some reason you just oay it as you're used to paying it anyway??

I think YABU, he has offered money and you said no, what do you want him to do?

Also, 7 years and not living together is ridiculous. He's a boyfriend not partner

user1493413286 · 20/02/2020 08:13

I was thinking you were unreasonable until I saw you’d been together 7 plus years. I don’t think I could watch my DP suffer in that way when I had plenty of money although equally I see that he did offer help at one stage. Does he pay for other things for you to try and help, like bring shopping over or pay for anything nice that you do? I think that while this presents as a money issue it’s also about deeper things in your relationship that if resolved would also help your money situation

Jarvisisgod · 20/02/2020 08:19

Yes it can work unless your partner is a dick and I include high earning women in that. My DH earned over £70k and I was part time. At no time did he resent anything. Family money is family money.

Chosennone · 20/02/2020 11:07

I honestly think ita ultimatum time. He is not acting as a partner at all. He is actually like a casual boyfriend. Ask him direftly if this is going anywhere? If not explain you want (and need) more commitment. Does he love your DC? Does he act like a Stepdad? If not, i would move on asap. Keep chasing maintenance, they should hit him with a backlog at some point. Good Luck.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 20/02/2020 11:15

My Dh earns 8x my salary and has always earnt more. In the early days he would always treat me. When we moved in together we decided that we were in it together. We have three children together and it never is an issue. We are equal I. The sense that we don’t have a lot of spare cash because we spend it on the children.

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