Effects of domestic abuse on children

[Fairygodmotherplease]

I'm trying to get out of an abusive relationship and social services are involved.
Before being able to seek therapy or any programmes they are assessing my parenting.
A big part of this is being able to understand the effects of domestic and emotional abuse on children.
I have 2dc's.
Neither have anger or behavioural issues.
Both have general anxiety and social issues. Both have separation anxiety about being away from me - I understand the reasons for the above.
What else should I be thinking/looking for?
I'm panicking that I'm overwhelmed with being so new to understanding the fact it's even been happening and needing to identify and understand this as well.

To be honest kids are remarkably good at bottling and hiding things. A lot of the effects won’t be clearly obvious straight away - and most of them can be undone by getting out and showing them healthy relationships.

My experience is only what I’ve witnessed from friends - both those who were the kids in the situation and those that were the mothers. Anger and clingyness seem to be the main issues.

You are making the right steps, I hope others give you better advice, but wishing you every strength in leaving xx

Also children will think this is how normal relationships work and so will be more likely to get into abusive relationships themselves if they are not shown that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable.

They will shy away from confrontation, want to please (which may open them up to unsuitable situations), they may feel its their fault and may develope eating disorders/self harm.

The go to book is When Dad Hurts Mom by Lundy Bancroft - I think excerpts are available online.

But they won’t expect you to be any kind of expert, it’s just to be able to see things from a child’s point of view, eg yes they may love their dad but are they also scared of him?
How old are your DC?

I’m an educational and child psychologist so I can help, but I don’t quite understand what you need. Do you need to demonstrate knowledge alone, or are they looking for changes in your parenting?

As a starting point if it’s knowledge you need, start googling ‘adverse childhood experiences’ or ACEs. These refer to 10 early experiences (including all types of abuse and neglect, domestic violence, substance misuse, parental incarceration, etc) that have been found to increase likelihood of negative health and social outcomes for children as adults.
I can give you links if you need them.
One thing I want to say about ACEs though is that even though it can make bleak reading, there is LOTS of hope for these children. With positive experiences moving forward the impact of ACEs can be minimised and children who have experienced multiple ACEs can have bright and happy futures.

15 year old dd (who is eager to do the online freedom programme with me once I do it in person, as she already sees she allows her friends to control her) she is doing well in school, has problems sleeping, separation anxiety and general anxiety disorder.
And a 9 year old ds who is sensitive to authority figures, has become clingy, has nightmares and frustration issues when playing games. Recently had problems talking about feelings but I've been working on that and that's improved alot.

My children are much younger. My oldest is 5 and I left their father when she was 2yr3m. She was so traumatised by DV her brain literally hadn't developed properly. She has developmental problems and trauma has impacted multiple areas. You wouldn't know she had been more than any child should, she is the happiest, funniest, most amazing little girl but the damage has been unbelievable. However her experiences were from pregnancy all though to the age of 2 so crucial brain development time.

Besides the obvious of anxiety and mental health implications, DV can have big effects on development.

Oh and I'm only 26 myself. I grew up in DV and when I couldn't bare it at home anymore (at the grand age of 16) I first engaged in all sorts of risky behaviour crashing all over the place wherever I could for the night. By 18 I was in my own abusive relationship because I genuinely had no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Abusive ones are my normal.

Here are a couple of videos explaining how early life trauma can impact children:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=VMpIi-4CZK0

m.youtube.com/watch?v=l8rQ2JnnQuE

Watch the second one to the end, it gets better :-)

Once I left my ex and my kids and I were safely in a refuge, my children started telling me stuff that their dad did that they didn’t like and truly awful stuff they remembered him doing.

They hadn’t suddenly remembered it, they just felt safe enough to talk about it whereas they didn’t before. It was hard to hear. Stuff I didn’t know they knew about or remembered and I had to own my part of it- as in staying when I should left much earlier. My eldest was 9 at the time and the anger she felt and took out on me was a side of her I had never seen before. Counselling helped but so did time and a lot of patience.

Also I found with DV and most other things really, when you go through anything longterm it becomes your normal, almost your routine to get abused/ avoid getting abused. You don’t realise til after how fucked up your life was at the time.

Iirc fairygodmother your DC have issues to deal with which are linked but separate from any abuse you’ve suffered, don’t they?

Mine have both got major anger issues , and speak to me disgustingly

Do social services think that you do not understand how your abusive relationship is actually affecting your children? Is that why they are asking you to think more about this?

Are they helping with an exit plan?

The children may have or develop post traumatic stress, agree with pp who said look up ACE.

I think social services are thinking about why I didn't see the emotional abuse to the children however I was going through domestic abuse at the same time and he had me completely gaslighted.
The second I realised that it was domestic abuse and all the puzzle pieces slotted together - my first phone call was to social services.

They are kind of helping with an exit plan, very much in my hands though which is worrying me a little. More so, seeing how they can support my plan.

The key with social services is you have to demonstrate you are making the correct decisions without needing to be told to. Taking the measures to safeguard your DC without being need to told to.

The best way to show insight is to show how you will be keeping them safe physically and emotionally

I'm talking about the ones still with me. The one in care is a very complex situation. That dc has reported to social services and police - and only about my dh except that I let the bad care happen I can't even begone to express the amount of guilt and self blame I feel.
They haven't said I'm at risk of losing the 2dcs. They are going on cp plans and they said they will see what support they can offer and getting out of the relationship would be a protective factor. But there's a chance, obviously - in this situation and it terrifys me as I don't think they could cope with losing me. I really am a good mum, I love them to bits and always put them first - they are my world. So, I'm hoping they see that.

Wishing you the very best

What is your exit plan and when are you leaving this perpetrator ?

You don't seem very clear about that and it is frightening to be honest !!

I’m sorry you are experiencing this but you need to work with social services, not try to circumvent them by trying to find out what they need to know.
They are genuinely trying to work out what’s best for your children.
Are you ok and are you getting support?

Have a read of Freedoms Flowers: The effects of Domestic Abuse on Children by Pat Craven, she is the woman who wrote the freedom programme .

You can pick one up on Amazon

I imagine that talking and thinking about the impact of domestic abuse on children will be tough for you. It’s really important that you recognise that there is an impact, because ultimately you have to be the one to make the biggest chance for the children, and you need to know WHY you are making the change and what is at stake in order for you to see it through.

Sometimes though parents despair and give up because they feel the damage is too great to face. I want to reassure you that that isn’t the case! There is lots of hope for them so long as you all get the help you need.

One of the main difficulties with domestic abuse is that children do not develop healthy ideas about what relationships should look like and how people (including they themselves, their future partners and future kids) can expect and deserve to be treated. Low self esteem is common, along with difficulties with relationships (attachment problems).

What can you do to help?

1. Listen to your child. Think about how they are feeling. Often parents in abusive relationships are dealing with very difficult emotions themselves and they can ‘leak’ these emotions onto the children. And parents who feel out of control can sometimes be over-controlling of their children. Try not to do this, find other people to share your problems with and cry or vent your anger to. Remember that getting your children to do as you want should be a result of a trusting relationship, not a fear.

When you’re with your children, focus 100% on them. What they might be feeling, thinking, needing, and do your best to show them that you understand. Don’t burden them with your problems and emotions, instead try to be there to listen to and reassure them. Focus on being consistent and reliable, to build up that safety and trust in the relationship. Treat and reward good behaviour, avoid punishment.

1. Make time for fun! Spend as much time as you can making sure that you and your children spend happy times together. Show them what love looks and feels like.

1. Keep going. You’re here, asking for help, you love your kids and that’s the most important thing of all. You are already doing the right thing by them, just keep going and leave any toxic and abusive people firmly in the past, for your own good as well as for the children.

You can do it!

I'm working with an advocate and solicitor, the only reason why I don't seem clear on when is because I'm waiting a for legal aid application to go through. I should be making my statement tomorrow to put orders through.

I'm not trying to get one up on them or anything similar. Just recognising I need to be on the ball whilst processing alot and not having been able to access support yet. I was asking for aspects to think about, not one liners that I can throw in. I truly want to consider my individual children's struggles and strengths with emotional abuse and domestic abuse in mind so I can help them.

I grew up in it, eating disorder, anxiety and ending up with a man who treated me the same.