Effects of domestic abuse on children

[Fairygodmotherplease]

I'm trying to get out of an abusive relationship and social services are involved.
Before being able to seek therapy or any programmes they are assessing my parenting.
A big part of this is being able to understand the effects of domestic and emotional abuse on children.
I have 2dc's.
Neither have anger or behavioural issues.
Both have general anxiety and social issues. Both have separation anxiety about being away from me - I understand the reasons for the above.
What else should I be thinking/looking for?
I'm panicking that I'm overwhelmed with being so new to understanding the fact it's even been happening and needing to identify and understand this as well.

Here’s a really good website that I think will help you OP:

traumainformedparent.com/

Try to sleep well. You’re doing your best and there is lots of support out there for you all x

A beautiful family therapist who works for CAMHS once told me that the best thing you can do to help your children mend is to connect with them.

Find moments In your day to really listen. To really connect. Take that time to build deep and meaningful moments.

If they can connect and feel secure, they will start to work things through in their heads.

It's possible they can get stuck
In a negative cycle and need professional help to move forward. But often that deep and meaningful relationship with a trusted person is all that they need.

It's also very important to seek some help processing your experiences. This will help you explore the 'why' and prevent the cycle, especially if it was centred around abuse.

Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Protect them and you. Find time to laugh, be daft, do things together, make happy memories going forwards.

Right now it's raw, you will be eaten up with guilt. But, you did it, you left, this is now your new beginning.

You can do this. Xx

Play therapy really helped my son. And seeing him get the support he needed really helped me

It’s not uncommon for abuse victims to not recognize the impact on the children. Every child reacts differently. I think the only thing you can guarantee is that they witnessed and remember much more than you could possibly realize.

Take advantage of every counseling option they are offered, get them to a safe space, and keep it safe by keeping it just you and them for as long as is necessary to strengthen your new family unit and help them recover.

The big one will be whether you have been able to protect your children from this abusive partner, and whether you may form relationships with other abusive partners. I know you will think that isn’t going to happen, but people cling to the familiar and you may have a type, and be oblivious to the pattern. Your children will also cling to the familiar and may try and recreate the patterns of control and disharmony even with the abuser gone. Living with DV squeezes everything out of shape. A teenager told me that she had deliberately kept her voice high and sweet and young so as to seem less of a threat! You will all need to find out who you are now, and it won’t be easy. I am sure you love your children very much, but the blame for everything can’t be put on the bad partner who then gets cut out. You will need to think hard about the life you have provided for your children.

I echo what zebracat has written

I'm speaking as someone who fled d v with an innocent 7 week old

Lots of agencies were clear about the danger I put her in and I got so angry - how dare they say that to me
They were absolutely correct

Yes with gaslighting and coercive control it is hard to see clearly but when you do - that's when you get out and stay out

I really hope you are leaving him ASAP - as In bags packed at the door?
I feel for you

It is horrendous

Well done for the first steps at getting help. Nearly all children are affected in some way. My personal experience of it ended up with me having childhood depression, ocd, self harm, eating disorders, intrusive thoughts and anxiety. I’m 33 and it still affects my life today. I’ve never been in love and refuse to have a relationship as it emotionally and mentally scarred me. It’s a life long pain that never goes and even with help your childhood is ruined as it was spent living in fear. Just be there for your children and encourage them to open up or speak to a therapist. I agree with others it’s so easy to bottle up that’s how I spent my life and no one but friends know the consequences I live with from it as I was so good at hiding it. Your children will thank you for putting them first and leaving. Mine never did and I resent her a lot. I hope it works out well for you, keep strong.

I am pleased you are leaving, please make that happen ASAP.

I have had to think hard about what I say because I find that, as someone whose childhood was ruined by dv, I struggle to have sympathy for either parent. It is often said by the 'victim' parent that they protected their dc, but that just isn't possible.

You can't be a good parent and allow your dc to be around dv.

However, I can tell you that if you leave and you are prepared to take the fall out of your dc's trauma, while keeping them in a safe environment, then you will be a good parent.

Good luck op.

With me, witnessing DV left me so scared of any conflict that I have become a complete people-pleaser in adulthood, an utter doormat. This then in turn leaves you susceptible to further abuse and exploitation.

I’ve just finished listening to an excellent and thorough podcast on the subject of DV, it’s called Undiscussable (it’s by Charlie Webster) and the interviews on there will open your eyes to the fallout.

Op, I have avoided reading the thread and your replied on purpose because I wanted to give you my view as I sit here. I will read after.

I grew up in a house where my mother was emotionally abusive to my father and, to some degree, me and my brother with occassional violence and threats to hurt herself.

I was actually, outwardly, fine. I avoided conflict and it took me a while to learn to say no to people. I was unconfident. But thought that was just me.

When my marriage broke down (exh also abusive) I fell apart. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression then PTSD. During therapy it was discovered it went as far back into my childhood.

It's taken several years, from the realisation that I wasnt ok, to be ok. I realised that no one in my life had ever out me first. My mum put herself first so did dad to try and keep the peace.

They both believed I didnt hear the raging arguments at night. I did. I didnt hear her threatened to kick him out and kill herself and us. I did. They think i didnt hear her threaten to report him for child abuse so he would lose his job.

When we were older and she started on us dad thought it wasnt that bad she would threaten to kill herself if i didnt cancel plans with my friends, or miss college, or pay for something for her out of my part time wage. He said she didnt mean it and I should ignore her.

Up until 3 years ago, I felt I had never been loved. Not enough. Not to be a priority. Always an after thought. Life revolved around mum, dad, then exh. It has been like I am a supporting actor in everyone elses lives. Like people forgot I was a real person.

I dont speak to my parents now. I feel for my dad. I get that he is abused. But I had to put me first. If I had continued contact, I think I would have ended my life.

With me, witnessing DV left me so scared of any conflict that I have become a complete people-pleaser in adulthood, an utter doormat. This then in turn leaves you susceptible to further abuse and exploitation.

I am now reading the rest of the thread.

This is exactly what happened to me.

I learnt something very interesting...

The very best thing you can hope for in this situation is that your child/children were confused...but confusion is the sign that you are about to learn something. So what are they learning? That shouting is ok? That volatile arguments are ok? That mummy/daddy is crying and no one is comforting them. Because whatever they are learning in that moment is damaging .

It's hard OP, I've been there.

The Freedom Programme course would offer a good introduction. Freedom Flowers is very sobering reading.

Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery looks at how children are damaged by domestic abuse. It's on Audible if listening is easier than reading.

Both your children are traumatised. They have no opportunity to heal while they are still being abused, because the trauma is ongoing. Just like you can't start treating a burn if you are still on fire.

The biggest indication you understand and take seriously the effects of DV on children would be successfully leaving and staying gone.

I grew up in a house riddled with DV from the ages of 12-19 and whilst it was truly horrific at the time I didn't realise it.

It was actually when I became a parent that I got angry about it - I couldn't understand how my mum had allowed me to witness such awful things and be in that environment.

I'm now 45, still have flashbacks like it was yesterday and can remember things and see things I wish I couldn't.