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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be fuming with SIL after 3 years for this?

44 replies

NemophilistRebel · 19/02/2020 18:50

3 years ago we were expecting first baby.
SIL kindly offered us their baby bits which they no longer needed as weren’t planning more children.
We had already bought some bits and so didn’t want or need everything.
SIL kept giving and said anything we didn’t want to get rid of as she would t be anting it back.
Lots of the things were well used and some things were out of date from safety recommendations.

A week after I gave birth they found out they were pregnant with unplanned baby and asked by text for everything back.

Not too much of a problem as half of it we hadn’t even started using yet and so we bought replacements for the bits we did need to use and handed over everything else.
Except for the bits that we had already gotten rid of.

SIL was so cross and rude to us about this and bombarded me with long messages saying we were lying that we didn’t have it all and demanded we look harder in our loft for bits.
At this point she was still only about 6 weeks pregnant.
I was 2 weeks post c section and hardly able to move.

Eventually she started demanding money for the bits she said we had, some bits which I don’t even remember having.
Eventually we gave her husband (my DH’s brother) some money to shit the whole thing up.

The whole thing was rediculous and was the most stressful part about being a new mother for sure.

She blocked both DH and I on Facebook and even 3 years later things are very strained.
This is partly because I am still fuming with her.

AIBU for still feeling angry and hurt by this nearly 3 years later?

I’m coming up to giving birth to DC2 so it’s bought it all back and I’m partly looking forward to having the chance of the first few weeks without being bombarded by nasty texts but also still hurt.

OP posts:
garbagegirl · 19/02/2020 18:51

She sounds awful.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 19/02/2020 18:53

Yep, awful. She should have just accepted back what you still had. And you even replaced some stuff so she had new things.

Entitled cow.

ohnooutofdateham · 19/02/2020 18:55

She's an arsehole but frankly, you need to move on.

Praiseyou · 19/02/2020 18:56

She does sound awful but you are only upsetting yourself. People like her never think they are wrong and never apologise. She is not going to come to her senses about it and act like a decent person so you should just let it go.

It took me years of pent-up anger and frustration to come to this realisation. It makes for a much happier life accepting that some people are just dickheads.

ShirleyPhallus · 19/02/2020 18:56

She sounds awful but the only person you’re really harming with this anger is yourself

In the words of Elsa, leeetttt ittttt gooooo

Original poster
NemophilistRebel · 19/02/2020 18:58

I’m struggling a bit as PIL’s expect me to have forgiven and moved on but it’s not easy.
And what makes it worse is any family even where she is there she’s all nice to me in front of people.

Since blocking DH and I on Facebook she started to get back in contact with DH’s ex (seemingly out of spite as I was told they weren’t friendly when DH and ex were together).

This SIL never bothered with me prior to me becoming pregnant and so this pretty much is my only example of the type of person she is.

I get really anxious if I know there’s a family event coming up

OP posts:
GinDrinker00 · 19/02/2020 18:59

She sounds awful, but unfortunately people like that always make out their the victim and won’t ever change. Accept she’s a dickhead and move on and just be civil for the sake of the children.

Pumpkinpie1 · 19/02/2020 18:59

It was 3 years ago!
I think you need to put it down to experience and move on
Dredging up the past is a waste of your energy and will spoil what should be a happy time for your family

Original poster
NemophilistRebel · 19/02/2020 18:59

Yes let it go is definitely what I need to do.

Someone offered me something for new baby recently and I almost came out on cold sweat worrying that I’d end up out of pocket when they change their mind and want it back Grin

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 19/02/2020 19:00

She behaved really badly and I guess the rub is that YOU have been made to feel in the wrong for HER behaviour

I have problems in that regard with my sister

She behaves abominably towards me yet always tries to find some way that its ACTUALLY my fault

I think ultimately in her eyes, everything is my fault for merely, existing, breathing...

Solution?

Avoid being in her presence
Avoid giving her headspace

Original poster
NemophilistRebel · 19/02/2020 19:01

Eine - you have my sympathies

Good solutions 👍🏻

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 19/02/2020 19:02

Yep she sounds like a pain in the arse but you need to put it behind you now. You don't need to like her but just forget it for your own sake

damnthatanxiety · 19/02/2020 19:12

OP did SIL just deny having said you should get rid of things?

BottleOfJameson · 19/02/2020 19:17

You need to move on. I don't think anyone will think she was behaving reasonably but for your own well being you need to let it go.

Cherrysoup · 19/02/2020 19:19

Is this your DH’s sister? What does your dh say? Honestly, although I believe you are not being unreasonable, she clearly is, but I would try to let it go because you have many years of having to associate with her and that awful feeling of dread whenever you think you might see her is very stressful for you.

Breathe, let it go, don’t let anyone spoil your first few weeks with your beautiful new baby.

frazzledasarock · 19/02/2020 19:22

Think you’ll have to learn to be falsely nice to her face.

Then avoid her when you can, and never accept anything from her ever again. I’d also never go out of my way for her either for anything.

Bakedbrie · 19/02/2020 19:28

She’s being a silly cow. This is just stuff, stuff isn’t important within the grand tapestry of life.

fruitbrewhaha · 19/02/2020 19:47

Just ignore her at family events. If she wonders over to you, excuse yourself to the loo, or to help in the kitchen, or to check on your DC. Just remove yourself from her and who cares if she knows.

"Oh hi Jane, I'm just heading to the loo"
"Hi Jane, bear with me I just need to find DC"
"Excuse me Jane, I think I'm needed in the kitchen.

And then at the end, "Oh bye Jane, see you soon"

Mistystar99 · 19/02/2020 19:51

She's a shit!

Original poster
NemophilistRebel · 19/02/2020 19:51

@Cherrysoup it’s my DH’s brothers wife.

He’s fuming with her too but he’s not the sort of person to really give shits about shitty people which is an area I fall down on.

Thanks for all the advise everyone - this place is like a good therapy session sometimes.
Will work on not caring and moving on 👍🏻

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 19/02/2020 20:02

She sounds ridiculous!

Fair enough maybe if she gave you a grands worth of travel system or something, but even then - she told you to get rid of anything you didn't need.

All my friends are finished with babies and I've just had my third, so we are being given loads of stuff (I had two boys, all my friends have girls). Anything sellable I'm giving back so they can sell it and everything else they've told me to to charity shop when I'm done. If they then told me off for taking stuff to the charity shop I'd be a bit Confused

MarnieParnie · 19/02/2020 20:13

I hear you. I’ve had issues with sil (long story) but I’ve found that no contact is best and also it helps that my husband agrees with me on the most part and is quite supportive. He’d probably be ok with seeing sil say once a year but even that is too much for me and also don’t want to set a precedent.
Luckily we also live abroad which helps even more so :)

Thinkingabout1t · 19/02/2020 20:33

Enjoy your lovely baby and toddler, OP, and don’t give this horrible woman a moment of your time. Don’t think about her, think about them. Much more worth your time,.

Barbararara · 19/02/2020 20:42

I’ve found, when coming to terms with immensely difficult people, that it helps to take a look at your expectations of them and then rip them up. I’ve done this literally- writing down how I would have expected a normal, decent person to behave, acknowledging that they are clearly not working from the same set of guidelines as I am, and then sort of ceremoniously ripping the page up. It’s quite cathartic and makes it easier to deal with them because they can’t get under my skin in the same way.

It’s a bit like the way you wouldn’t take a toddler’s views too seriously; I can’t take some of (for instance) my mil’s comments to heart anymore. I no longer have an outraged who says something like that!? reaction because the answer is simply she does. I actually find myself feeling more compassion for her than I ever thought was possible, but it just doesn’t occur to me to take her personally because she’s not working off the same guidelines so what she says is irrelevant.

I know it sounds daft (and said as much to my therapist) but it really helps.

lakeswimmer · 19/02/2020 20:44

Try and get your DH to deal with her and have as little to do with her as possible. Maybe because you were vulnerable when she started harassing you about the baby stuff you were more stressed by it than you would have normally been - sometimes those feelings can linger.