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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive father reared his head

36 replies

Wouldntyouliketoknow90 · 19/02/2020 18:33

So my father was thrown out by my mum when I was 16.

He had a very messed up childhood, was beaten by his Dad so I’m guessing that was normal for him.

He made mine, my mum and my DB’s lives a misery. Had a big alcohol problem and we grew up watching him beat 7 bells of s out of my mum and once we got to about 3yo, we were fair game. DB had some disabilities and father fed off this, hitting and verbally abusing. I was overweight and at 5yo, used to being called a fat f.

When my parents split, he came around occasionally and treated me like a daughter, taking me out etc. Then he divulged he had a bit on the side for a while and was shacking up with her. I saw him the night before my 17th birthday and that was the last time. I’m now in my 30’s. His bit on the side has now died and he has been sniffing around. He has met up with my DB a few times and my DB is happy with this - his choice though I worry how this will impact him.

My question is wibu to meet him? I feel like I’ve overcome a lot despite the abuse. I am married with beautiful children and a good job and have lost 13st.

What could I stand to gain from meeting him?

Sorry for long post but very mixed feelings about this.

OP posts:
garbagegirl · 19/02/2020 18:37

You would unreasonable to think you owe him anything. He sounds like he was vile. People, in my experience, dont change at their core. He might have learned to curb his behaviour but why risk it?

Personally I doubt you would gain much from a relationship at this point.

Curiosity101 · 19/02/2020 21:22

Genuinely do ask yourself the question of 'What do you stand to gain' but also 'What do you stand to lose'. You don't owe him anything, put you and your family first and only contact him if you need /want to for you.

He sounds very similar to my mother. I have been NC since I turned 16 (now almost 30). It was the best decision I ever made. She reached out to me a number of years ago, I could tell straight away she hadn't changed (it was a very self centered message, no hint of any apology or even acknowledgment of what she'd done). I told her in no uncertain terms never to contact me again.

DariaMorgendorffer · 20/02/2020 00:38

Truly, only you can answer. Just make sure that you put yourself first. For me personally, it would be a confident no.

I'm nc with my father since I turned 21. He is also a violent man. I will never, ever meet him again. Some people just don't deserve your time! Well done on how you've thrived, despite the hard times you witnessed as a child Thanks

TheBouquets · 20/02/2020 00:56

I can not understand people who meet up with abusive parents. I know someone who has done this. It seems so strange that at a younger age they could see right through the abusive parent but now as an adult they can see no wrong. A lot of problems have happened and people are angry and no longer communicating with my friend. This may make her feel sorry for the parent but she should recall the past without the tints on her specs.

Bilboard · 20/02/2020 01:13

You don't owe him a n y t h i n g. I would stay away and work on self development. Please read, watch sthg on co-dependency, there is lots of info out there ( Julia Cristina Counselling on YT for instance) , this might answer a few questions for you.

WhiteBadger · 20/02/2020 01:45

I too would suggest you stay away. He will never be the father you deserve. It will just open old wounds. What would you gain out of it?

LorenzoStDubois · 20/02/2020 04:07

Nope.
He will pull you back down to where you were with him before.

He's probably on the lookout for someone new to beat up.
Wouldn't be surprised if he contributed to the death of his bit on the side.

He's a wanker and a parasite.

ASimpleLampoon · 20/02/2020 08:22

I wouldn't bother. Hes most probably looking for a nursemaid for his old age and he's unlikely to have changed. Your mother was brave to leave and it would be a smack in the face to her if you let this vile person back into your life.

Alyic · 20/02/2020 08:27

I was just about to say the same thing, a nursemaid for his old age. Leave him be, he showed you what you he is during your formative years, believe him.

Sassanacs · 20/02/2020 08:38

Similar situation to yours growing up. If the nasty cunt was still alive I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. He is not and has never been a dad to you. He deserves nothing.

MatildaTheCat · 20/02/2020 09:14

Your last comment about having lost weight makes me think you are seeking the approval of this man. That’s a bad reason to meet him. You do not need his approval; his opinion of you is worthless because he was a useless and abusive father to a very small child.

I would stay away from him. I understand that’s difficult and painful but you will never get what you need from him. Concentrate on people who bring good things to your life.

Daftodil · 20/02/2020 10:26

I personally wouldn't want contact with anyone who I'd witnessed beating 7 bells of shit out of my mum. Or brother. Or self. Or a stranger. Or a dog in the street. Or...

TheyDoDoThat · 20/02/2020 10:27

Your last comment about having lost weight makes me think you are seeking the approval of this man. That’s a bad reason to meet him.

This.

Drum2018 · 20/02/2020 10:32

I wouldn't want anything to do with him after the abuse he put you all through. Do yourself a favour and stay away from him. How well he is only sniffing around since his other woman died. He didn't want a bar of you before that. You have come a long way to overcome the trauma she he put you through. You would be foolish to allow him to break you again.

yellowkangaroo · 20/02/2020 10:45

Unlikely as it seems, he may have changed and may have regrets. And you'd miss out on a relationship with a parent and the opportunity of giving him a second chance. It could be an opportunity for you as an adult to vent at him on the damage he caused. That's what you might gain. However what you could end up with is a toxic person in your life who you hold resentment for. He's unlikely to have fundamentally changed who he is and as your father, if he doesn't step up to be a father he has the ability to cause you more pain. This can only be your choice - to see home again. No-one should blame you either way or have a view on how reasonable it is.

yellowkangaroo · 20/02/2020 10:49

Afterthought...As an opener you could perhaps say are you ready to apologise for what you put mum and us kids though? Then say nothing, hold that silence. What he says will tell you a lot and be prepared at the end of your conversation to park it, say, 'I need a bit of time to think on that, I may be in touch'. Be very slow to trust him. As others have said, if you are seeking approval from him, or if you need him to behave like a real dad, this relationship will most likely be harmful for you unless he is truest a changed character (odds are well against that).

Collidascope · 20/02/2020 10:57

I wouldn't bother.
A lot of shit fathers seem to do this. They're abusive, volatile and absent when their children are young, and then pop up twenty years later when they are starting to feel a bit old and fragile, and when all the hard work of looking after young children is done. With the comment about having lost 13 stone, you do sound as though you want his approval, which makes you vulnerable still, so I would keep no contact.

MzHz · 20/02/2020 11:12

I am married with beautiful children and a good job and have lost 13st.

You took your life back! you didn't pass on the abuse you had to your kids/husband... so why did your dad? Oh yeah, cos he's weak and a thoroughly evil human being.

You are not his daughter, he is not your dad, he just provided the biological stuff.

Thank god your mum got out!

What could I stand to gain from meeting him?
The same as you gained from having him as your father in the first place, absolutely fuck all.

I get the comments about your weight loss comment in it's context as seeking of approval, I know (personally) how the comments of critical fathers are embedded in our psyche.

Please Forgive yourself, love yourself and be kind to yourself by taking the decision that is best for you and your family.

DOn't allow him into your life, don't allow that level of poison gas to even come close to your family, they deserve better than him, they have you, a happy you. If that excuse for a father is allowed back into your life he WILL upset you and that in turn will upset them.

He's not worth that.

Tell him clearly that you are not interested in contact with him ever again, that your life is too happy and full to allow him in to ruin it.

MzHz · 20/02/2020 11:16

Don't even think about asking for an apology, it would never be really heartfelt and meant, it would be just muttered with his fingers crossed behind his back as a means to getting back into your life so that HE can get to pretend that he's a decent human being to others.

Incidentally, how has this prick got back in contact with you?

Original poster
Wouldntyouliketoknow90 · 20/02/2020 11:38

Thanks everyone for such supportive comments.

@MzHz - he apparently knocked on my mums door looking for us (both moved out now) and she didn’t give him our details but told us both. My DB seemed to need some closure and said it’s helping his MH to see him as it’s made him realise he’s nothing like him (my DB’s biggest fear so as a result, never had a relationship). I made the decision not to as I didn’t want my kids exposed to him but then part of me thinks, if he does will I feel guilty for not allowing him contact. Such a head fuck!

OP posts:
MzHz · 20/02/2020 11:48

Guilt is wasted on this guy. Where is the guilt HE should have felt about battering little children?

The reason you feel guilty is because you're a caring and loving person, a million miles away from him.

Good to hear that your DB is not being swayed by him and that it's showing him that he is not his dad and that his future is not determined by a pathetic and weak bully. I do sincerely hope that this means he will start to live the life he deserves and allows someone to share it.

I hope that your DB can get his closure quickly for himself and then cut contact. It will be the safest thing for him and for you and your family for that matter.

Shutters down. both of you.

Your mother needs to tell him that if she sees him again she will call the police.

Your mother is a good one - she protected you then and she's protecting you now.

These abusers abuse from weakness. You are strong, your brother is strong, your mum is amazingly strong! None of you are a bit like him.

(((((HUGE HUG)))))

Collidascope · 20/02/2020 11:56

You don't need to feel any guilt, you owe him nothing. He was abusive when he was in your life and then he disappeared off to do whatever he wanted for the next couple of decades without troubling himself at all about you and your brother, I'm guessing? You owe him nothing.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/02/2020 12:10

Hats off to your mum for even telling you, I don't know if I would have done. You have to do what you feel is right but personally, I would have nothing to do with someone who beat up my mum etc, and he only wants contact because his partner has died and he's lonely so is thinking oh I know, my kids can fill a void. What void has he ever filled for you? What kind of a father has he been? A shit and abusive one. You owe him nothing at all, so do not feel guilty, you have absolutely no reason to.

yellowkangaroo · 21/02/2020 10:39

If your brother has already made a negative assessment, and you trust his view, I take back any encouragement I gave to have contact with your dad. You will gain nothing here.

Let go of your guilt, what right does someone who tortured you as a child and then walked away have to see your precious children? Don't you dare feel bad for not letting them meet, congratulate yourself as a mother who protects her children. Walk away from this with your head high.

messolini9 · 21/02/2020 10:41

What could I stand to gain from meeting him?

Misery, anxiety, & being hit up for money?

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