Abusive father reared his head

[Wouldntyouliketoknow90]

So my father was thrown out by my mum when I was 16.

He had a very messed up childhood, was beaten by his Dad so I’m guessing that was normal for him.

He made mine, my mum and my DB’s lives a misery. Had a big alcohol problem and we grew up watching him beat 7 bells of s out of my mum and once we got to about 3yo, we were fair game. DB had some disabilities and father fed off this, hitting and verbally abusing. I was overweight and at 5yo, used to being called a fat f.

When my parents split, he came around occasionally and treated me like a daughter, taking me out etc. Then he divulged he had a bit on the side for a while and was shacking up with her. I saw him the night before my 17th birthday and that was the last time. I’m now in my 30’s. His bit on the side has now died and he has been sniffing around. He has met up with my DB a few times and my DB is happy with this - his choice though I worry how this will impact him.

My question is wibu to meet him? I feel like I’ve overcome a lot despite the abuse. I am married with beautiful children and a good job and have lost 13st.

What could I stand to gain from meeting him?

Sorry for long post but very mixed feelings about this.

Unlikely as it seems, he may have changed and may have regrets. And you'd miss out on a relationship with a parent and the opportunity of giving him a second chance.

No no no no no.
He never acted like a parent, OP will be missing out on nothing.
Why would anyone want to re-encounter a violent abusive person like this? He won't have changed. He just wants something - whether that is narcissistic drama supply, care for his old age, money, validation - whatever.
If he were a stranger who had abused your family & you so badly, would you believe they deserved a "second chance"?
Naive beyond belief.
Don't do it OP.

I’ve overcome a lot despite the abuse. I am married with beautiful children and a good job and have lost 13st. - and do you think that will make him love you? Make him the father he never was?

He was abusive to those who were vulnerable and weak, and those that he should have been defending and protecting with all his being. Instead he used your weaknesses to 'big' himself up, to make himself the big strong man who you all feared and (in his mind, and in the minds of people like this) 'respected'.

Now he is the weak, frail one. It comes to us all, old age and infirmity, and it's how you treat people on the way UP (ie, in your strength) that is repaid on the way 'down' (in your weaker years). He is still looking for something from you - and it's still his 'vision of his strength'. He will take this from you to build himself up.

Don't bother with him. If he were just some random guy that you 'knew' in your younger days, would you bother? And basically, he is.

You can't help him, and he will never 'validate' you. He's after undermining you, not loving you. He had that chance and didn't want it - because it doesn't make him feel Big. (And yes, his upbringing is probably to blame - feeling like the small beaten child, so he beats others to make him feel less of a 'child'. Well done for breaking that cycle - and to your brother too).

Unlikely as it seems, he may have changed and may have regrets. And you'd miss out on a relationship with a parent and the opportunity of giving him a second chance. - fucking hell.

This is the sort of person who says to me 'but he's your father! How can you do this to your father?' - the sort who has a loving and loved father. Who cannot fathom how someone could cut off a father - the wonderful, caring and loving person s/he has in her/his life. Who cannot fathom that a father could be a cold, selfish, abusive person, who beats his children, who starves his wife so he can smoke/drink, who looks after No 1 - himself.

He had the 'opportunity to be a parent' and he chose to use his children as punchbags. He had the opportunity to be a decent person, and he didn't want it; it didn't validate himself enough.

I think you would be unreasonable to let him into your life. You owe him nothing. He doesn’t deserve to have you in his life. Guilt is optional - you have ZERO to feel guilty for, he is the one who should be unable to sleep at night.

Unlikely as it seems, he may have changed and may have regrets. And you'd miss out on a relationship with a parent and the opportunity of giving him a second chance.

Bullshit.

It sounds as if you’ve worked hard to turn your life around after an unhappy childhood
I supposed it boils down to do you have any questions you want to ask him? If not, don’t contact him
If however like your brother you do, talk to him. It sounds like your brother has gained the positive insight that he isn’t his fathers son & with it immense relief.
You don’t need a relationship but if it would help you by asking unanswered questions meet up whilst you have the chance and then walk away
Whatever you decide we’ll done for making the right decision for you and your family

Only you can decide but don't do anything out of guilt. The guilt is all his but I bet he doesn't feel any.

I'd say that he gave up his right to any contact with his children or grandhildren the minute he started abusing you and that he did you all a huge favour by walking out.

His 'new' wife has died and he's now alone so wants to pick up where he left off with his old family. Talk about wanting cake and eating it. I wouldn't want to take any chance to physically or mentally hurt you or your children I'd be telling him to FOTTFSOFOATFOSM.

You really don’t need to have anything to do with him. Never let him back in your life. Support your brother as he is being exposed to him.

In my group therapy programme there was a guy who was the result of a rape. He knew this and decided to meet the rapist when he was older, the person was known to the Mother. His worst fear was he was going to be like his Dad and was worried he was genetically bad. I am assuming your poor brother felt the same.

The fact you see him as now 'sniffing around' says it all imo. You don't trust him or his motives. I wouldn't put myself through it.

You haven't mentioned if he has made any overtures or indication to apologise, either to you or your brother. It really depends if he came to you apologetic, or just contacted you out of the blue and just expected some sort of relationship.

I was the person who said "unlikely as it seems he may have changed" you'll see I retracted that when the OP said her brother has met him and has taken a view. I do believe in giving people a second chance if that works for you. Just for context, I myself have a toxic father who I have LC with. I would never say "but he's your father, you must..." as I understand how it can be. I found it was helpful after a long period of NC to establish Very LC. I see my dad about once a year now. He has met my child on literally a handful of occasions. That works for me. My motivation is that I feel better about myself, I believe the way he is is part down to mental illness, it helps ease family situations, eg a family wedding is doable. I see him very much for who he is now, I ask for and expect nothing from him.