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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should be here for her birthday

26 replies

Whatswrongwithme7450 · 19/02/2020 15:31

Me and DH have a 2yo (3 in may) and our daughter turns 1 in two weeks.
DH works away 4 days a week and is home 4 days a week and is currently doing his driving lessons only on the days he's at home, 2 hours of lessons every day he's home.

He's booked for 4 hours of lessons in day for the 4 days he's off the week of DD 1st birthday, including her first birthday, they're pretty crap hours he's picked like 11-1pm then 3-5pm that day.

I told him should of tried to get really early lessons or really late ones because now we're not really going to get to do anything for her birthday as a family (now planning to do something just me and DC.)

I know it's her first birthday and she doesn't know any different but we did something for DS first birthday but he also missed his second birthday too.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Poorolddaddypig · 19/02/2020 15:33

Sorry, for a first birthday yes YABU. Your daughter wont have a clue. Work is more important than a day out with a baby who has no idea it’s her birthday and who can happily ‘celebrate’ her birthday literally any other day.

Nowayorhighway · 19/02/2020 15:35

YANBU at all. If he had no choice but to work it would be different but choosing to have a driving lesson on his daughter’s birthday is frankly bizarre.

user1493413286 · 19/02/2020 15:36

I think he should have just left it for that day; if you took the approach that you don’t ever do anything until a child understands or remembers then you’d never bother doing anything until they’re primary school age

ShyTown · 19/02/2020 15:37

He’s trying to pass his driving test not go out on a bender, your DD has no clue it’s even her birthday and it’s not even as if he’ll be gone the whole day. You’ll have more time with him than if it were a normal work day so sorry but I do think YABU. Why not do presents in the morning before his first lesson and a family tea with cake at 5pm after he gets back? If you want a family outing somewhere or to organise a party then do it on another day.

mauvaisereputation · 19/02/2020 15:38

I think if you want to have a day out then it's not U to get him to cancel the lesson on that day. If you're just having a birthday tea at home the lesson won't interfere.

Purpleartichoke · 19/02/2020 15:39

She might not remember, but he will. He will know he didn’t prioritize his child. I can’t imagine a decent parent wanting to live with that choice. Plenty of parents don’t have a choice, they have to miss these big events to provide for their child or because they are sick, but he has options.

Brazi103 · 19/02/2020 15:42

Yanbu, If hes off for 4 days then why cant he do it on the other 3? Yes your dd is only 1 but it is a big deal for the parents.

lanthanum · 19/02/2020 15:43

Many dads would be out 8-6 on their child's birthday, unless specifically asked to take the day off. He might not have realised you were planning anything.

Would it be too late to cancel one of the lessons at this point?

Blueroses99 · 19/02/2020 15:46

It doesn’t seem that it’s going to be possible to celebrate on another day when DH is either working away or has driving lessons on his free days. I would be upset if DH didn’t cancel driving lessons to spend a day with the family on DDs actual birthday if he wasn’t working that day so YANBU.

Lllot5 · 19/02/2020 15:47

Surely most people are at work on their children’s birthdays any way.
Just arrange to go out when he’s available.

Original poster
Whatswrongwithme7450 · 19/02/2020 16:05

He's not at work that day, it's driving lessons

OP posts:
ElderAve · 19/02/2020 16:10

I missed DS2's 5th birthday because I was away with work. We just moved it to the week I was home and he's none the wiser.

For a one year old it's really much more about you than the baby, but you obviously would like a family day,so work with DH to arrange one. It doesn't need to be on DD's birthday though.

MegaClutterSlut · 19/02/2020 16:11

Yanbu. There's a big difference between having to work on your dcs birthday and choosing to do driving lessons on her birthday.

Woeisme99 · 19/02/2020 17:01

I think yabu. He's obviously cramming for the lessons, which will presumably make your family life better.
A 1 year old can have a birthday any day, I'd let this go, they really won't know.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/02/2020 17:12

I think YABU. Him being able to drive is much more valuable than a birthday your little one won't' even remember.

You'll still be able to have cake/take photos etc.

bridgetreilly · 19/02/2020 17:50

YABVU. It's her first birthday and he'll be at home for most of it. All you need is an hour for presents and cake with her. Presumably it'll be much better for the family as a whole when he can drive, anyway.

PawPawNoodle · 19/02/2020 17:52

@Purpleartichoke She might not remember, but he will. He will know he didn’t prioritize his child.

He is prioritising his child though. Being able to drive, and therefore being able to easily transport her and her sibling around for the next 17+ years of her life, is much more valuable than being at home to watch her smash a cake (which they can do in-between the lessons).

bridgetreilly · 19/02/2020 17:52

She might not remember, but he will. He will know he didn’t prioritize his child. I can’t imagine a decent parent wanting to live with that choice.

I can imagine plenty of excellent parents thinking:
(a) I'll still be at home for most of her birthday, so we can plan the fun things then
(b) It'll be much better for my whole family when I can drive
so (c) the right way to prioritize my family's needs is to have as many driving lessons as I can fit in to pass my test asap.

GreenTulips · 19/02/2020 17:53

It's her first birthday and he'll be at home for most of it

Mine went for a day out at the zoo and the other a Sealife centre

He can hardly do that can he?

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/02/2020 17:54

Mumsnet is so odd about first birthdays. Parents remember, grandparents remember, siblings remember - they remember who decided that the little one was the most important person in the world for one day. Or, who planned their day to be out as much as possible. Go and have fun without him.

Chochito · 19/02/2020 18:00

He'll be out for 4 hours. What if he was at work, he'd be out for 10 hours or longer? Surely you can celebrate the birthday any time apart from when he's at the driving lessons (which don't coincide with mealtimes when you might celebrate, have cake, etc.) YABVU and I don't really understand your standpoint, OP.

Papoy · 19/02/2020 18:11

1st world problem #yawn

lazyarse123 · 19/02/2020 18:18

What a lot of angst. You need a whole day for a 1st birthday. Will I be a birthday week by the time dc is ten?

DesLynamsMoustache · 19/02/2020 18:23

I don't think YABU simply as it's just driving lessons. Obviously if it was work then that's another thing entirely, but it's something he could easily not do. And yes, the child might not remember it, but you don't have to remember something to get enjoyment from it. Otherwise why do we bother doing anything with our kids when they're young?

It was our DD's first birthday recently and we had a day out to the farm park and soft play and then a birthday tea. Of course it was partly for us as it was an important day for us, but she had a whale of a time too.

Chickychoccyegg · 19/02/2020 18:26

No need to do 4 hours of lessons on her birthday , he could do a 2 hour lesson in the evening when dd is in bed, so he is available for a birthday day out.