Is employer being unreasonable or am I?

[Lifechangingtimesahead]

I feel like I don't have a single person in RL to talk to so apologies if this is a bit long and ranty.

I'm married to a man who quite frankly is abusive. It took me a long time to realise this and a lot of damage was done before I added all the signs together. I moved from a successful city job where all my friends live (about 2.5 hours away) to a rural location, I took unskilled work to be near him (not much skilled work where we live), I live in his tied cottage, and all of my family and friends are miles away.

I had a bit of a clear vision moment at New Year, pulled my socks up and started to work on my escape plan.

I've secured a new job on much better money, not quite where I was before the rural move. It's a half hour drive from where we live, will give me back some independence and will allow me to save like mad to move onto the next level of escape. My confidence is shot to pieces and I don't feel ready to make the big move back yet, so this is a halfway house that I'm comfortable with.

My husband is furious. My current job is linked to his and he thinks this will impact on him, and make him look bad in the eyes of our employer. My current employer is equally furious and has reacted really badly, telling me I need to tell the new employer that I'm not in a position to discuss start dates until I have worked out a leaving date with them. I don't have an employment contract but have given four weeks notice, they want three months. I'm a currently a cleaner, not a rocket scientist. I have received an email and a telephone call giving me a massive bollocking and I have to attend a meeting tomorrow morning. For context, in 30 years of working I've never been told off at work, I am a very conscientious employee and go by the rules.

My husband is being so unsupportive and to take the positives out of this it's only confirmed how much I want to leave him. As for the employer, I still have to live in their cottage (tied to husband's job) for the short term so can't rock the boat too much. I don't have the funds to move out and my friends and family are a 2.5 hour drive away (2 hours from new job).

Does anyone have any advice to help me?

Husband isn't physically abusive (yet), I appreciate this could come one day, I do have an exit plan but can't leave yet for lots of reasons, mostly down to confidence and mental health issues.

Stick to your guns. You've given plenty of generous notice. You've done nothing wrong. Sending strength

Unless you have a written contract 1 months notice is legally fine, they cannot insist you stay longer. From what you have written though, what is stopping you move back to your family? Yes it's hard but you will find work and start rebuilding your life

Forget the new job. Forget the husband andthetied house. Look for a new job back where your friends and family are and move back there. You don't need to be tied to this situation any more.

If you have no employment contract then they can't insist on anything. I would go and stay with family for the time being, if they don't know what's going on then tell them and ask for help.

for you.

When you go for this 'meeting' be very firm with your leaving date. I'd also be keeping a copy of their emails about this. Presumably your new employer wants a reference? Sounds like your current one may not play ball with it, so being able to show evidence that they want you to stay will negate a bad reference.
If they try to make you leave today, after you've given notice, remind them that you will be expecting full pay including any outstanding holiday pay in lieu of notice. Good luck!

Sounds weird as hell with no contract!?! Rent or go into shared accommodation the other side of your new job towards where you used to live as far away as you can afford to commute.

I would consult ACAS as I think your employer is acting illegally.

Do your friends and family know what is happening? If this was happening to anyone I know, at the very LEAST, I would offer them somewhere to stay. I think you should get out now as I think the abuse could escalate sooner rather than later if he really is that angry. He's trying to control you and now he knows he can't.

A 2 hour commute is nothing if it means you are safe.

You are definitely doing the right thing.
Go to meeting. Be polite but do not budge from what you have said here. They do not have a leg to stand on and are simply pissed off that you are leaving. As far as husband is concerned, go grey rock. No reaction to his crap other than to state that the new job is better for you.

Well done you.
No contract means no notice period. You’re being generous.
Tell them your leaving date and don’t be intimidated into changing it.
Start and enjoy your new job. Your husband might become more respectful - although it sounds like it’s all about him anyway.

Use your new job as a stepping stone to building your confidence. Then decide what you want moving forward. Make it about your needs and wants

You’re doing nothing wrong. He’s pissed off because you’re exerting control, they’re pissed off because it suits them to have the two of you working for them as it maximised the tied accommodation. However, neither of those things are your problem. I think you have to think of the long game here and slightly pander to the employer during the notice period while not letting them take the piss. That then gives him one less thing to berate you about. Keep in mind everything you are doing now is with the sole purpose of getting you away. Good luck.

Seconding contacting acas before going into the meeting so you are clear on the law and where you stand - it will give you confidence.

In the meeting, go on listening mode and don’t agree to anything you aren’t 100% on board with. Take loads of notes, type them up and email them so there is a record of what was discussed.

With no contract I would have thought you could just quit, so Friday before your new job, quit and start your new job Monday - might be worth exploring that with acas.

Might be worth getting in touch with Shelter re the conditions of the tied home.
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/accommodation_that_comes_with_your_job

Three month’s notice for a cleaning job?? Tell them you’re exceeding your legal obligations in offering them a month. Without a contract, they don’t have a leg to stand on. With a contract, they could likely only enforce one month at most in any case.

Good luck on your new job, but really consider whether it’s the right step for you. If you can move back to your family/friends and find a new job there, then I think this will improve your overall well-being significantly. Good luck.

Call ACAS. It is illegal for your employer not to have given you an employment contract. I don’t think they can impose 3 months’ notice. Hang in there. You can do this

First of all well done for making this step you should be really proud of yourself making the decision.
2nd dh of course not supportive because he's abusive and wants to control you .

And the employer are idiots you don't need to give any notice whatsoever especially no contract . If you haven't already put your finish date in writing and hand to your current employer. They can't do anything, make sure you are paid what you are owed holidays etc .
Do not let anyone bully you ,Good luck .

If you are paid hourly and have no contract then you only have to give 1 hours notice. Remind them of this at your meeting

They are being absurd. With no employment contract they really can’t force a one month notice period. Call Acas and stick to your guns. Good luck. If they don’t start behaving well then go back to where your friends and family are.

Its great that you've found a new job. Remember your successful job in the city, remember that you already have another job offer - you can leave and another employer will snap you up. I think there is a risk the abuse will escalate when you change employers as your partner will sense you disconnecting. It may be better to consider returning home and finding something else.

They are acting illegally, DO NOT budge on your months notice period, and retain copies of all correspondance.

Can you get an hour of free legal advice from anywhere local to you?

Good luck

According to UK.GOV you have to give at least a week’s notice if you have been there for more than a year, so 4 weeks is very generous of you.

Tell them you are leaving for to develop your career.

In an area with few skilled jobs surely they can find a replacement for you easily - but that’s their problem.

Stick to your guns, and hoard cash like there is no tomorrow. Can you possibly "have a family emergency" which necessitates you to "help out" which would then force your "D"H to spend more on day to day living expenses?

It sounds sneaky I know, but if he is being abusive and unsupportive then I would say it is justified in this case. You need to get away.

You don't say whether any children are involved, but if you have kids then the best message you can possibly give them is to see you standing up for yourself.

YANBU and 4 weeks notice is perfectly acceptable, however I think you should consider whether this is the right decision for you.

In your situation I would consider moving back to where you used to live and trying to find a job there, I fully appreciate you might not be able to do this financially but is there anyway you could, do you have family you could stay with on a short term basis until you secure a job and somewhere more permanent to live.

Sounds like you are involved in a larger house service? Like a chauffeur/butler and cleaner for an estate house?
3 months notice is usually for senior employees but can be common in this type of arrangement.
If this ever went to court, the judge would question why this was in the contract as it is disproportionate to the role you play.
Stick to your guns. You are leaving to take on alternative employment.
Sounds like the employer wanted you both now they only get one which is more their issue as they will have a daily instead which is not the end of the world and surely something they should have thought through when employing and housing you both. However, the house is tied to your husband's job not yours so it is down to him to resolve any issues and stand firm.

Tell then your giving more notice than your contract demands and see if they can work that one out

Can you keep your wages an put down a deposit on a flat

No contract so they can get stuffed!