Is employer being unreasonable or am I?

[Lifechangingtimesahead]

I feel like I don't have a single person in RL to talk to so apologies if this is a bit long and ranty.

I'm married to a man who quite frankly is abusive. It took me a long time to realise this and a lot of damage was done before I added all the signs together. I moved from a successful city job where all my friends live (about 2.5 hours away) to a rural location, I took unskilled work to be near him (not much skilled work where we live), I live in his tied cottage, and all of my family and friends are miles away.

I had a bit of a clear vision moment at New Year, pulled my socks up and started to work on my escape plan.

I've secured a new job on much better money, not quite where I was before the rural move. It's a half hour drive from where we live, will give me back some independence and will allow me to save like mad to move onto the next level of escape. My confidence is shot to pieces and I don't feel ready to make the big move back yet, so this is a halfway house that I'm comfortable with.

My husband is furious. My current job is linked to his and he thinks this will impact on him, and make him look bad in the eyes of our employer. My current employer is equally furious and has reacted really badly, telling me I need to tell the new employer that I'm not in a position to discuss start dates until I have worked out a leaving date with them. I don't have an employment contract but have given four weeks notice, they want three months. I'm a currently a cleaner, not a rocket scientist. I have received an email and a telephone call giving me a massive bollocking and I have to attend a meeting tomorrow morning. For context, in 30 years of working I've never been told off at work, I am a very conscientious employee and go by the rules.

My husband is being so unsupportive and to take the positives out of this it's only confirmed how much I want to leave him. As for the employer, I still have to live in their cottage (tied to husband's job) for the short term so can't rock the boat too much. I don't have the funds to move out and my friends and family are a 2.5 hour drive away (2 hours from new job).

Does anyone have any advice to help me?

Husband isn't physically abusive (yet), I appreciate this could come one day, I do have an exit plan but can't leave yet for lots of reasons, mostly down to confidence and mental health issues.

4 weeks is more than you need you only need to give a weeks notice.

Please push for this to enable you to get the halfway solution you need and not go backwards and stay

If there are no children, and you're paid weekly, reduce the notice period to a week at the meeting "as you obviously have no manners, competence or knowledge of the law". If your stbex muscles into the meeting, or they invite him to it to pressure you, inform them that the marriage is ending. This would be a great deal safer than telling him alone.

No contract, no notice.

They are lucky you offered 4 weeks.

Personally I'd contact the new employer and ask if you were able to start sooner, as you've found you aren't contractually obliged to stay as long as you thought.

I agree with those saying contact ACAS before the meeting. They will provide free advice on your rights: www.acas.org.uk/

I also suggest if possible taking a colleague (not your DH) along to the meeting to take notes.

Oh wow OP, you’re doing amazing, you’ve seen the problem, formulated a plan and are already putting it into action, you should be incredibly proud of yourself, you can do this!

Your employer are a bunch of morons, ignorant of the law. They sound like bullies themselves. If they don’t want to give their employees contracts then more fool them frankly. You owe them nothing, they can’t demand you stay, silly twats.

Of course your husband was going to throw a tantrum, you’re not doing what he wants and acting as if you’re your own person with thoughts and feelings of your own, incredibly threatening to these weak, scared man babies.

Don’t give in now, you’ll be free of all of this soon!

Stay firm OP. Statutory notice for you to give, if you have no contract, is one week, so they're very lucky you've offered 4 weeks and they cannot demand more. Let us know how you get on.

You can take a friend or colleague to the meeting (definitely not your dh, he is not your lord and master!) but remain utterly firm on the notice and yes, reduce it. They are not able to enforce a non-existent contract and can no way ask you to give 3 months notice. You could also tell them you’re recording the meeting. They are clearly unaware of the law, so it’d be useful to print off the advice from ACAS to give to them.

OP, well done for take that step!

I assume there is no way for you to move out to live with a friend or relative as you haven’t mentioned this.

3 months notice is ridiculous when you don’t even have a contract. Is the employer paying minimum wage? If not, that might be a reason to diplomatically insist on 4 weeks notice (as you say you need to live in the cottage for a while at least).

May be worth drafting an email giving 4 weeks notice and saying how the new job is your dream job? Sorry that you have to placate two twats.

Ah so sorry missed the a bit about friends and relatives.

OP are you a domestic cleaner / housekeeper? So your employer is a private family?

Feel free to PM me, I run a staffing agency so may be able to help out.

In the meeting, go on listening mode and don’t agree to anything you aren’t 100% on board with. Take loads of notes, type them up and email them so there is a record of what was discussed.
Absolutely agree with this. Apart from anything else, IME staying quiet and taking notes really freaks people out and gives you the psychological advantage/confidence.

Good luck!

Thanks so much everyone, some great advice there.

Those who mentioned moving back to the city, I will eventually but my confidence is shot so I think I'd struggle. I'm working this halfway house solution as it will enable me to save so I can make the bigger step and get some confidence back from working away from husband.

The listening mode and taking notes is great advice, thank you. I'll do that.

I can't be too harsh with them as they are still husband's employers and still own the house I live in. Until I go I have to be polite and respectful to them. It does leave them a little bit stuck (can't really go into this as its outing) but they're not in an impossible situation and could get agency staff to help out until they find a replacement for me.

Thanks again.

Well done for recognising that you need to get out.

It’s really concerning that you say your husband isn’t physically abusive (yet).

Could you move out now and stay with friends and family while you search for a job near where they live? Temporary accommodation could also be an option while you get back on your feet.

scotland.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/advice_topics/families_and_households/domestic_abuse/domestic_abuse_and_homelessness

You don’t owe your current employers anything and don’t need to stay for a set notice period.