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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt that friend didn’t tell me she’s pregnant

33 replies

BIankets · 18/02/2020 21:07

I have a milestone birthday coming up, and I also have fertility problems which all my friends know of. I have an amazing, thoughtful friend who asked me for the names and numbers of everyone I’d like to celebrate my birthday with and she’d organise something for me. With each friends permission i gave her these numbers and now there’s a WhatsApp group (which I’m not in) planning a surprise. I know I’m very lucky.

However, one friend (who has never met the friend who initiated this group, or most other members of the group) has announced that June doesn’t work for her because that’s when her due date is. I found this out through a friend, who has never met her, who didn’t know I didn’t know about this pregnancy. Me and my pregnant friend live a fair distance apart and don’t meet up too regularly because of this, so I haven’t been able to spot a bump.

I get that it’s her news, and it’s her choice how (or if) she delivers it.
Maybe she wanted to keep it private - but then why announce it to a group of strangers?
Maybe she’s had an anxious pregnancy - but again, why then tell all my friends but not me?
Maybe she considered my fertility issues and thought it would be a difficult conversation to have and thus avoided it - but she couldn’t have thought that would be better than me hearing through the grapevine, surely?
Or maybe she just doesn’t care?

AIBU to be upset (not because she’s pregnant, or because she can’t make my birthday surprise - obviously I’m very happy for her) that she announced it to a group of strangers, and let me find out this way?

OP posts:
Hoik · 18/02/2020 21:11

Maybe she's been planning to tell you face to face and didn't realise that these other people would say anything to you?

I think you should speak directly to your friend about it.

SayNoToCarrots · 18/02/2020 21:11

She was afraid to tell you in person, because of your fertility issues, and thought it would be easier (for her) if you found out from someone else. She probably thought her being there in person, pregnant, would be more difficult for you than some non-pregnant person passing on the info.

Loli2 · 18/02/2020 21:12

Are you in contact with her often? Over text or calls? If so then yes thats weird.

If you don't talk to to her regularly then no. I nwouldnt text someone out of the blue to tell them i was pregnant

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 18/02/2020 21:17

Probably because of your fertility issues.

EmJay19 · 18/02/2020 21:30

She’s being unreasonable saying June doesn’t work for her!

Notonthestairs · 18/02/2020 21:37

Don't take offence - concentrate on celebrating your milestone. Whatever issues she may or may not be having is neither here nor there for your life. Enjoy your party.

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 18/02/2020 21:40

My guess would be that she didn’t want to tell you because of your fertility issues. Whilst you may have been happy for her, she probably just didn’t want to upset you.

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/02/2020 22:05

She may have her own fertility problems. February is still four months from a June due date. So she has just passed into 5 months pregnant. Many women who have had miscarriages wait until the 20 weeks plus milestone before going around and telling people they are pregnant. Maybe she wanted to tell people in person, but the birthday plans forced her to share the news differently than she would have liked.

ohnooutofdateham · 18/02/2020 22:15

I didn't tell everyone until I was over 20 weeks pregnant with DS.
I told people I spoke to regularly but I wouldn't have texted someone unsolicited to tell them.

ohnooutofdateham · 18/02/2020 22:16

She’s being unreasonable saying June doesn’t work for her!

What??! Surely that depends what the surprise is? It could be a week away.

puds11 · 18/02/2020 22:23

@EmJay19 being unreasonable because she’ll have a baby Hmm

I didn’t really tell people. I just assume if I tell a couple of people word will get round. I think YABU, she doesn’t have to tell you anything.

ComeOnTesco · 18/02/2020 22:27

Erm... Talk to her. We don't know why she hasn't told you

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/02/2020 22:30

Probably was worried to tell you given any problemsYou’ve experienced. I would have a frank discussion, “that’s fantastic news, why didn’t you tell me you know I’d be so happy and want to celebrate” etc

FalldereedilIdo · 18/02/2020 22:30

I didn’t tell people til it came up face-to-face (or if I had to turn down an event eg wedding invite, like your friend in this case). I guess I just don’t think my news is that important to others so I don’t really want to take up their time with it unnecessarily. Also why I hate Facebook statuses.

Armadilloboss · 18/02/2020 22:46

You are definitely not being unreasonable! She has told all your friends (that aren’t her friends) knowing you don’t know! Granted, she may have felt awkward telling you due to your fertility issues, but it’s 100% better her telling you h
Than finding out via a third party. Telling you in a sensitive way, before telling the group would have been the right thing to do!

babychange12 · 19/02/2020 08:32

How close is this friend to you? Do you talk to her frequently?

When I was pregnant 2nd time round, I hardly told anyone and only told people when I was asked or met people irl. I was under a lot of pressure at work and had a toddler to look after, didn't have time to tell everyone.

Not everything is about you op

Nowayorhighway · 19/02/2020 09:01

I am currently pregnant and I don’t know how to tell my close friend. She had a late miscarriage almost a year ago at 20 weeks and she’s still understandably grieving, she talks about her baby quite a lot. One thing she has mentioned to me is how much pregnancy announcements hurt her so I’m terrified to tell her for that reason alone, I don’t want to hurt her.

So from my own perhaps selfish perspective, I can understand why your friend didn’t tell you. She just didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

Number3or4 · 19/02/2020 09:02

She might have assumed that you won’t be told of anything that is said in the group and had planned to tell you face to face. It is easier to tell strangers sometimes than close people especially if she is anything like me after a few losses. Unless she asked that particular friend to deliver the news you specifically. For example, I asked dm to tell dbro about my current pregnancy. Yes, I know I could have told him myself, but wanted to give him a chance to compose himself and prepare a response. I know he is happy for me there is no doubt about that but I’m also aware his recent infertility diagnosis hurt him a lot. I thought it was not fair to put him on the spot and force congratulations out of him.

NemophilistRebel · 19/02/2020 09:03

I struggled telling my friend with fertility issues about pregnancy.
I was right to as she has been rude to me ever since

I had my own fertility issues previously so know how it feels.

I also wasn’t going to send out texts to everyone I know or put it on Facebook so waited until I saw people

I’m 26 weeks now and there are cousins I haven’t seen since last year so they haven’t been told yet either.

Robs20 · 19/02/2020 09:04

I’m 28 weeks and still haven’t told some people - including 2 friends who are going through ivf - this is to protect me and them. Perhaps speak to your friend? She was probably trying to protect you and not sure what to do.

PurpleDaisies · 19/02/2020 09:06

Are they close friends robs? While you’ve got good intentions, I don’t think protecting their feelings by not telling them is necessarily the right course of action.

OwlinaTree · 19/02/2020 09:09

She probably didn't want to upset you, but I know how you feel. We lost our baby at birth, and some people were amazingly supportive and some people were so thoughtless. We went to a wedding a few months later and one couple announced their happy news. Would have been nice to have a heads up guys...

People don't know what to say so they say nothing. Sorry things have been hard for you.

Leebeemarie · 19/02/2020 09:18

I'd imagine it would be because of the troubles you've had.
I've had multiple miscarriages over the past 3 years and I have several 'friends' hide pictures on SM so I couldn't see and even my brother and his gf not tell me for months as they were all afraid it would hurt me.

I'm really sorry to hear what you've been through and I honestly hope you get your perfect little baby

CorianderLord · 19/02/2020 09:23

I've seen a lot of people on this site get angry with friends who are pregnant because of their own fertility issues. It's likely she worries about this happening

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 19/02/2020 09:29

I would guess there's a lot of chat in the group about days/dates that suit everyone. You are not in the group so you are hearing second hand from another friend what this friend said.

She thought she was in a secret group, the details of which are not discussed with you. When the conversation of picking something, somewhere, sometime tha suits the majority she said she was due a baby in June.

There could be any number of reasons she didn’t tell you. There are probably lots of people she hasn't told. I know I really didn't specifically contact a lot of people when I was pregnant. I waited until I saw people to tell them. Or word spread through my family etc.

I don't think she has deliberately kept this from you.

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