Hurt that friend didn’t tell me she’s pregnant

[BIankets]

I have a milestone birthday coming up, and I also have fertility problems which all my friends know of. I have an amazing, thoughtful friend who asked me for the names and numbers of everyone I’d like to celebrate my birthday with and she’d organise something for me. With each friends permission i gave her these numbers and now there’s a WhatsApp group (which I’m not in) planning a surprise. I know I’m very lucky.

However, one friend (who has never met the friend who initiated this group, or most other members of the group) has announced that June doesn’t work for her because that’s when her due date is. I found this out through a friend, who has never met her, who didn’t know I didn’t know about this pregnancy. Me and my pregnant friend live a fair distance apart and don’t meet up too regularly because of this, so I haven’t been able to spot a bump.

I get that it’s her news, and it’s her choice how (or if) she delivers it.
Maybe she wanted to keep it private - but then why announce it to a group of strangers?
Maybe she’s had an anxious pregnancy - but again, why then tell all my friends but not me?
Maybe she considered my fertility issues and thought it would be a difficult conversation to have and thus avoided it - but she couldn’t have thought that would be better than me hearing through the grapevine, surely?
Or maybe she just doesn’t care?

AIBU to be upset (not because she’s pregnant, or because she can’t make my birthday surprise - obviously I’m very happy for her) that she announced it to a group of strangers, and let me find out this way?

Could it be that she had to tell the group because of activities? Say hot tubs etc? She may not have told anyone yet but have been forced into this one....

I didn't tell one of my closest friends about my first pregnancy (we don't live in the same country) because she lost her baby at 31 weeks about 3 weeks before I got pregnant and I was terrified of rubbing my good news in her face. I told other people.

Your friend might have just done what I did and got herself into a loop of not being able to tell you because she was afraid of hurting you. I'm sorry OP, I imagine it does hurt, but try not to take it personally.

It’s absolutely shit being infertile.

Your friends leaving you out makes it even worse.

When I was pregnant I tended to tell friends as and when I saw them. I would assume she hasn't told you because she hasn't seen or spoken to you since the time when she felt comfortable telling people. I wouldn't read anything into this. I am sure it is a sensitive subject for you due to your fertility issues, but in the nicest way I think YABU to take offence at this.

Also I agree with a PP that as this is supposed to be a "surprise" and you are not in the group, she is probably assuming that this will not get back to you on the grapevine. So she is probably intending to tell you in person or when she speaks to you on the phone, and didn't think that this would disrupt the plan.

@PurpleDaisies I’m also protecting myself. My first daughter died suddenly last year and one of these friends likes to compare her infertility to my grief. Both crap but totally different.
Having said that, seeing the messages on here I think I should tell them. They are both close friends.
How is best to tell them? I wondered if over text was best? I am not to manage my own grief/ anxiety over this pregnancy but also want to be a good friend.

Simple, factual text message is always what comes out as the best way to find out about a pregnancy amongst us barrens.

Sorry for your loss.

When I was pregnant I was too wrapped up in sickness/hormones/panic about the birth/etc etc to even recall who I had told or not told. I remember thinking it was the height of self-obsession for people to expect me to tell them personally and think about THEM during my pregnancy which was a really tough and emotional time for me (lots of sickness and back problems etc). I will never judge anyone for not personally telling me about their pregnancy, because of my experience. In fact in my second pregnancy I didn’t tell anyone at all (live abroad so easy) because I just was in NO mood - just hormonal and tired and feeling like shit. If anyone I know is offended by that then honestly, I really don’t care! It is what it is.