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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People's advice! Because it worked ' when my kids were small' or am I getting worked up over nothing.

37 replies

JustBecauseItWorkedForYou · 18/02/2020 17:52

I may be UR. 4 weeks PP and at the moment I feel everything is in top of me so I don't know if I'm being over sensitive.

4 week old has suspected CMPA. Got to give 2 more weeks with his symptoms then will be trying a prescription formula.. As gp wants to check weight gain on 2 weeks.
Anyway 1 symptom is constipation. He really struggles for days on end. Mil now 3 times has said.. Put brown sugar in his bottle I did.. No its OK I'll follow advice and sugar isn't the best idea. The last time she said it was today. I again said no I won't be doing that.
Also for teething a bit of brandy on the dummy is a god send apparently! Ffs. Anbusol is good enough mil.

I often get advice like this.. Now I'm All for hearing stories of how people did things and what worked but I feel like they want me to do the same.. Which I wouldn't obviously
Mil just called dh and said did you try the sugar.. He just said yeah.. No luck ( we didn't but it seemed to shut her up for now.)

For some reason it's just irritated me all day, does anyone else get this issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustBecauseItWorkedForYou · 18/02/2020 17:57

Another is I should let the other dcs eat what they want.. Ie crisps cake choc etc and it doesn't matter if they get over weight as a chubby kid is cute and looks healthier than a skinny kid.. And afterlal they have their adult life to diet.. I mean what the actual??!!

I'm not against treats but omg. Imagine having no limits.

OP posts:
minipie · 18/02/2020 17:58

Very annoying ! I think your DH’s approach is best, nod and smile and say thanks for the tip... then ignore.

As an aside, it’s interesting if your MILs kids had the same issue as it often runs in families.

Porcupineinwaiting · 18/02/2020 17:59

Yeah, no. Put it this way. Unless you are seriously set on reinventing the wheel, then you need to accept that other people have done this too and at least some of the things they did, or found, will be correct. But just because someone offers advice doesn't mean you have to take it. Just thank them for it and say you'll think about it.

MissConductUS · 18/02/2020 18:01

It is annoying. Back in the Victorian era it was widely accepted that the best treatment for dental pain was to hang a dead mole or mouse around your neck. That didn't work either.

WinterCat · 18/02/2020 18:01

YANBU but I am also certain this is your first child. I think you’ll relax about some things and not be so sensitive to others if you have more children.

Original poster
JustBecauseItWorkedForYou · 18/02/2020 18:03

@WinterCat not my first child.. I have a teen and then 2 with DH and dsd..
Normally I just ignore but they're relentless.. Even ringing to ask if we've tried it.!

OP posts:
june2007 · 18/02/2020 18:04

Some advice is good, some is rubbish. You have to sort the wheat from the chaff. (and which is which will depend on your circumstance and point of view.)

Toomuchsky · 18/02/2020 18:08

I think for most people, surviving their children’s babyhood represents their greatest achievement. I know it does mine- it was like a siege situation. DH and I constantly marvel as to how all of us made it through unscathed Grin

This of course, makes you desperate to tell people the secret of How You Got Through It. I find myself doing it sometimes, and have to stop myself as I remember how annoying it was.

I’m pretty sure we’ll all be dolling out unsolicited and out of date advice in thirty years. And I fully expect to be told to do one Grin

One of mine had CMP allergy, and I feel for you, OP... only prescription formula made any difference in our case. Good luck Smile

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2020 18:08

It's irritating but you know they mean well.

My eldest is 28 and when he and his 20yr old brother were born, the older midwives used to whisper "If that doesn't work, try brown sugar/Arrowroot biscuits/rub brandy round the gums" etc Grin

WinterCat · 18/02/2020 18:10

Were there not things that were readily acceptable as the right way to do things 13-19 years ago that aren’t now though? Perhaps making up bottles in advance to store in the fridge and now they need to be made up fresh each time. Don’t be surprised if you repeat things you did all those years ago without even realising advice has changed.

IvinghoeBeacon · 18/02/2020 18:11

Yes I also found I was being given advice about what older relatives had done with their 15mo when my son was five days old. Nod, smile, ignore. I expect I’ll be doing it in 20 years’ time

MummySharn · 18/02/2020 18:12

It is annoying! But your DP has got the solution sussed, smile and nod.

Marshmallow91 · 18/02/2020 18:14

Just here to give you a hand hold because CMPA is horrible, my 1 year old has it and constipation was one of her symptoms. Laxido sachets and getting prescription nutrimigen slowly improved things for her. I strongly recommend warm baths and baby massage to help.

cheesefries · 18/02/2020 18:15

Really frustrating. If she's constantly saying things like that, be careful if you ever leave baby with her unattended, sounds like she might actually do the sugar thing Shock

NomNomNomNom · 18/02/2020 18:16

YANBU it's annoying when people are really insistent with their advice. The day we brought DC1 home from the hospital Mil insisted she wanted to hold him while she cooked the dinner (as in chopped up raw chicken, stir fried stuff over a high heat with oil splattering etc). She was really annoyed when I said I'd rather hold him she thought I was being ridiculous.

Amatteroftime · 18/02/2020 18:18

YANBU.
People have learnt to stop trying to give me advice.
I smiled and nodded at it all the way through pregnancy but once my baby was born I would be quite blunt about what I thought of bad advice. Some was helpful, but anything from MIL was not.

Now it all comes in the form of anecdotes or her views as part of a conversation and it just means tbat her baby sitting is unfortunately being pushed back...

user1493413286 · 18/02/2020 18:19

My mil is awful for this; the worst thing is that the things she did didn’t actually work so it’s just bad advice

NotALurker2 · 18/02/2020 18:22

Why would you not want advice from people who have already figured out the solution to your problem? Do you think you get a prize for figuring it out on your own? Meanwhile, your baby is constipated and miserable? Giving a baby sugar is a legitimate remedy for constipation. Our pediatrician recommended it and it worked. But hey, you keep right on reinventing the wheel....

YUBU and good luck raising your children in a vacuum.

Amatteroftime · 18/02/2020 18:30

Why would you not want advice from people who have already figured out the solution to your problem? Do you think you get a prize for figuring it out on your own?

Because a lot of time advice given out by generations before us is out of date and poor advice, and it is annoying when peopls continually ask if you did it - just give your advice and leave it.
And also when looking for medical/health advice, the first person I'd listen to would not be my MIL.

itsgettingweird · 18/02/2020 18:45

I'd just say "yes we tried sugar" especially if you use lactulose as essentially it's the same thing!

Or "yes we out stuff on his dummy" even if it's ambusol.

Other than that if they ring you can just say "no we didn't" and change subject by asking them what they did that afternoon etc. They'll either get the hint and stop asking completely or you won't have to have the conversation anyway as you've changed it.

But please just remember something my mum said to me. She said having DGC is hard. They aren't your own children but you love them. And the hardest thing is seeing your own child struggle because the DGC is ill or misbehaving etc. So they try and help the DGC as a way of helping their own child. They have more people to worry about down the food chain!

RainbowsandSnowdrops · 18/02/2020 18:50

Urgh my doctor told me to give Dd water with brown sugar. Terrible advice as I was breastfeeding anyway. All the infacol, reflux meds, and sugared water was a waste of time as my baby did have CMPA.

He also told me eating dairy when you’re breastfeeding makes no difference because it doesn’t get through to the baby. Wish I’d ignored his advice and gone straight to the health visitor as the crying went on for months and months.

Also hated Mil’s comments- I stopped inviting her over!

inwood · 18/02/2020 19:07

As soon as you are you pregnant you'll get unwanted advice. Smile and nod. Smile and nod.

Anychance123 · 18/02/2020 19:45

I agree completely. I waited until 6 months to wean my Dd, I was sick of people saying, ‘well mine were eating mash potato at 3 months and they are fine, she’s so hungry bless her.’ My other family members thought I was cruel for not giving her blankets and a teddy when she was newborn. The advice does change but it’s for a reason! Like pp said, just smile and nod. It annoys me too though op.

NomNomNomNom · 18/02/2020 20:59

@NotALurker2

Did you not read the OP or are you the overbearing MiL? OP said she was fine getting advice but didn't want someone to keep insisting she does outdated stuff which is sometimes actually harmful. I don't think having raised a few kids means "you've worked it all out already". It means you've figure out what worked or your 2 or 3 babies. If there was really any magical cure all for constipation/colic/making babies sleep it would be common knowledge.

NotALurker2 · 18/02/2020 22:48

@NomNomNomNom Giving babies sugar is not "outdated stuff" just because her MIL suggested it.

When I had kids, one of the amazing side effects was feeling connected to everyone around me. I welcomed advice. I even said thank you to total strangers who gave me advice. I didn't feel threatened by it. I was glad other people took an interest in my DC.

I certainly hope I don't have a DIL like the OP and other rest on this thread some day. That would be fairly joyless.