Page 4 | To believe that caring for a 10 week old baby counts as 'doing something with my day'

Amethyst8 · 05/09/2007 22:34

I get really fed up of childless friends and members of my family telling me to park my kids with a babysitter and "take time for myself". Strangely not really offering to babysit themselves. No one seems to understand that you might actually want to be with your kids.

Also I have found since having my second child that I have become invisible to the male members of my DH's family. It is though once you give birth and are bringing up kids there is absolutely nothing you could possibly say or do that is of any interest to them. To the point that I speak and no one even acknowledges that I am in the room and this on occasion includes DH. They do it to his Mum too but his sisters are ok because they don t have kids yet . Mind you my FIL did ask in an exasperated fashion when I was going to put DD on "normal milk" because it was about time she had a "proper feed". So you see what I am up against. She was only four weeks old at this point. Cant imagine what they must be thinking when I am still breast feeding 11 months later.

sugarmatches · 05/09/2007 23:36

A-Freakin-Men.

maisym · 05/09/2007 23:48

ddbeliever - wonder what your friends are doing all day??? - bet it's not a tough as your days.

Write down a 24hr time scheulde for them so they see what you do - bet they would be shocked by the lack of sleep & time.

for me loking after my kids is the hardest job I've ever done.

Hope your bf problem clears up soon.

minouminou · 06/09/2007 11:39

I took maternity leave about 5 weeks before my son arrived, and met a spectacularly gormless chum for lunch on one of my 1st days off.
Her advice was - "well, make sure you keep yourself occupied while you're on leave, or you might get bored", when i pointed out that i'd have quite a bit to occupy myself with before, and especially after he arrived, she countered with "Oh, you mustn't over-do it, though".
Still, this is the 30-something who had to check, after i announced the pregnancy, that i wouldn't be having another period for its duration.........................

miljee · 06/09/2007 11:41

How I smiled when I read the OP and subsequent comments! You just CANNOT KNOW what it's like to be a mum for the first time. It's the hardest job in the world! TBF I think such friends are just hopelessly floundering out of their depth. I don't think as someone said, that they're necessarily 'jealous', just clueless! However, you may never have that smug 'told you so' moment when one day, in the future, somewhere, your friends as brand new parents themselves go "Eff ME! THIS is what it's all about, how can I have been such a prat?"! But you can rest assured that that day will come. Also, I believe that high-flying, ball kicking career women can actually have a harder time of new motherhood than "run-of-the-mill" gals like me. Suddenly you have a situation over which you have practically no control, no authority, nothing that can be salvaged by throwing a schedule at!

I was a late starter (36 with number 1) having spent 15 years as a health care professional and, like many of us who have experienced full time, responsible work AND motherhood, I KNOW which is easier! I smile indulgently when I hear the young women at work now announce how they can't wait to start having babies for all that lovely time off! You just can't know til you've been there.

Your friendship group will change. You'll become 'friends' with women purely because your DCs are at the same developmental stage, but then, pre kids, didn't we have 'friends' who in reality were just people who went to the same pub as us? You may well reunite with old friends once they too start sprogging (and you have every right to feel smug!), the more thoughtful of old friends may be able to maintain your friendship even though they remain childless. I have a few myself. Our friendship went onto the back burner over the first 3-4 years, but we catch up again now, but I don't expect them to go gaga over my DCs as our friendship is based on something other than the mutuality of being parents. I go to London and get hammered with them, once or twice a year instead!

Don't feel furious or betrayed by your old mates. You've moved on in your life and made certain choices, ones they may make themselves down the track. Don't waste your precious energy on worry about it!

miljee · 06/09/2007 11:45

And yes, being alone all day caring for a young baby can be totally mindless! There's not a lot of stimulation in it. I didn't have a moment to scratch myself (or dress, or shower, or eat..) so I wasn't bored during that first year, I was run off my feet, in a constant state of near panic!

However, I must say there were moments after the storm of early babyhood had abated that I would find myself bored to tears by the endless repetition that a toddler demands!

warthog · 06/09/2007 13:47

sit back and enjoy the show when it's their turn.

kerala · 06/09/2007 16:34

My favourite comments were:

"I would like a year off to relax as well" - boss on hearing that I would be going on mat leave.

"What will you do with your time - will you write a book" - childfree friend. Write a book?! Lucky if I can read one.

"Bored yet?" another childfree friend.

But its fine because before I had dd I didnt have a clue what it would be like, they just dont understand and how could they. Would be great if such people had to live a week of your life they would soon change their tune!

Eddas · 06/09/2007 16:56

I have to admit, pre dd I was under the illusion that taking care of a child would be easier than working full time Oh my was I wrong. It is such hard work, especially the first baby. I have to say i've found baby number two a breeze compared to dd. well the first 5 months has been fine, now i've said this mind you he'll turn into devil child, he was born on friday 13th after all

When I talk to childless friends and they ask daft questions like 'is dh babysitting' I try to bite my tongue, ffs babysitting is not a term to use for your own child But I live with the smugness so many others have mentioned that when they all have kids I can give it back to them and remind them of what asses they were when I had mine.

I also like to think that my family will be rewarded with the same babysitting kindness they have shown me, as in they can whistle(although I know thay won't happen when the time eventually comes)

I also agree with whoever said about friendships changing. My friends that i've had since school(apart from a couple who have children) are now mainly drinking buddies, instead of shopping etc etc. I like the fact that when I see them I am not dd/ds's mum, i'm me. But they do like to remind me every 5 minutes that I am a mother and they all love dd & ds to bits.

Now all I need to do now is make some friends with dc's and i'm sorted

bluejelly · 06/09/2007 17:04

Smile through gritted teeth, they will have the shock of their lives when they have their own babies. How annoying!

Original poster

daydreambeliever · 07/09/2007 13:22

Well its a couple of days on and Ive calmed down a bit, I guess they dont realise, and how could they, how much work babies are! But actually Krang I think you hit the nail on the head for me there with one thing...I am very angry. Perhaps sleep deprivation has something to do with it. DH is in the bad books cos this seems to have spiralled into an argument between us over pretty much everything, and during a 'discussion' last night I said I needed more help from him with the housework. He laughed, a genuine chuckle, and said, bemused, 'But you do nothing around the house' !!! Perhaps I am a delusional patient on a locked ward imagining all the tasks and chores I race around doing. Either that or he is blind and we never noticed his tragic lack of vision. I give up. Am on housework strike. Will stop only when rats are rifling through the bins and DH is crying.

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 07/09/2007 13:46

Get that book What Mothers Do. It will help both you and DH.

Meglet · 07/09/2007 14:05

YANBU! It was a miracle if I could brush my teeth each day in the early weeks. Your friends just don't get it, but they will one day, ha!

mamadoc · 07/09/2007 16:16

On the DH front I can commend leaving him in sole charge and leaving the house so you are not tempted to bail him out. My OH used to set me little tasks like finishing DIY he hadn't done 'since I was at home all day' until he tried it for himself..haven't had any helpful suggestions recently.

I can remember when I thought that having a year off work would be such a breeze. Other people tried to tell me it was the hardest thing they'd ever done OK but you've not been a junior hospital doctor I thought, sleep deprivation , bodily fluids and multitasking I can do. But no the worst on call ever has nothing on this. I think what you forget is that shifts end but motherhood doesn't let up.

Kathyis6incheshigh · 07/09/2007 16:18

Daydreambeliever, your last post was very funny

tribpot · 07/09/2007 19:36

daydream - I know it sounds awful, but this really is normal. Your dh has literally no idea what it is you are doing that prevents full-on housework activities.

Continue your strike. It will not be long before dh realise what it is you are doing, when it looks like nothing.

chipmonkey · 07/09/2007 21:34

I remember when ds1 was born, dh looking aghast when coming home from work and saying "Can you not do something!" Then the following Saturday, he watched as I fed, changed, rocked, paced, fed again.... until he said. "OK, I see how it is!"

Flibbertyjibbet · 07/09/2007 21:40

When you have one baby the people with none wonder what you do with all your time. Then when you have two, the people with one wonder what sort of disgusting mess you are when you say you don't manage to get a wash sometimes till dp gets home.....

Nightynight · 07/09/2007 21:45

I have always wanted to be the sort of super housewife whose dh believes that she does nothing.

Its a knack, I dont have it, I can spend teh whole day at the coal face, and in teh evening it looks just the same as in the morning

browniedropout · 07/09/2007 22:06

thank you all ... for just saying how it is. Can you imagine being a really old mother 40...and some, working with 24 year olds who treat you like an imbercile... and the ROLE involves supporting parents!. OP you are normal - they don't have children - until u have sore boobs, tantrums, dramas, teenagers - truley it is unknown, unappreciaed territory - but be strong - only those who lose their mums know how important MUMS are... lol

browniedropout · 07/09/2007 22:58

if I put something controversial here would it get a response? ths Mum needs support. !!

browniedropout · 07/09/2007 23:03

OP put:

I am feeling a bit blue. I have a gorgeous 10 week baby. Some friends just visited yesterday. They came out of their way to visit, they live a long way away. They all lead busy high achieving lives. They have just left, and before they headed away we had come back from a walk and were sat in the kitchen. They said 'what are you going to do with the rest of the day?". I mumbled vaguely about taking the baby to the breast feeding clinic to get her weighed and discuss a bout of mastitis i had at the weekend, also my baby is intermittently refusing the left breast. They are all good people. I dont mean to bitch, but I was left with the general impression that they all thought this was a fine way to spend the day- if youre a total loser. I felt there was an atmosphere of pity in the air. Like Im being really flakey and lazy! But really!! None of them have children. They will perhaps understand when they do that getting out of the house at all with a nursing baby is a bit of an achievement. Meanwhile, I know they meant no harm, but it has plummeted me into a sea of self pity/loathing. My DH and I moved away when I got preggers and now live in his hometown. I have done pretty damn well at trying to get to know people, and feel I have a good life here now. I have no definite plans to go back to work, and I feel a bit paranoid that friends think this a bit pathetic.
Please could someone reassure me that this is crazy!! I mean Ive got a tiny baby and a sore boob situation!!! Why do I feel like a loser for not running my own frigging dotcom company from my bed!!!!!

shouldalistenedtomymum · 08/09/2007 03:29

when i first had ds a friend of mine with 4 dc's assured me that if i could get through the first 12 weeks the rest would be easier. i remember how exhausting those early weeks were - didn't have mastitis but did get cracked nipples right at the start & every feed was a misery. hang in there daydream!

dh & i live hours away from any family & prior to having baby he let it be know that we did not want any visitors right away, just wanted some alone-time with baby.fair enough, but that entailed him popping off back to work two days after i got home from hospital & leaving me alone with ds & no clue what to do.

the visiting nurse that came to see me the day after my return home offered to set up some home help for the first while as i had no family etc to help me. dh pipes up that he doesn't feel comfortable having a stranger cleaning up after him & he is all the help i need. ha! still bloody waiting!

the topper was when my mum came down to stay a week later. she got a room in a hotel nearby as she didn't want to be in the way. the idea was she'd be here in the daytime to help me & to do any housework etc. dh took the week off work so we could all go on outings together & wouldn't let her lift a finger. every time she got up to do dishes he'd insist that she sit back down, saying that he'd do them later. of course you can guess what happened, right. there was me in the midd;le of the bly night doing b*y dishes!

alright, i'm finished with my rant. so sorry to hijack. will retire quietly now and breathe deeply.

^chants: I must not hold onto my anger^

Anna8888 · 08/09/2007 11:56

NightNight - LOL

I have serious tendencies in that direction myself...

oranges · 08/09/2007 12:23

I think the time around a new baby is the one time it makes total sense to listen to your mother. Mine offered to fill the freezer with meals - dh refused, saying he could feed us, but he made tiny portions and carefully doled out one at lunch, and one at dinner (while ds drank me dry all day). I ended up scoffing chocolate instead.