Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To believe that caring for a 10 week old baby counts as 'doing something with my day'

100 replies

daydreambeliever · 04/09/2007 14:18

I am feeling a bit blue. I have a gorgeous 10 week baby. Some friends just visited yesterday. They came out of their way to visit, they live a long way away. They all lead busy high achieving lives. They have just left, and before they headed away we had come back from a walk and were sat in the kitchen. They said 'what are you going to do with the rest of the day?". I mumbled vaguely about taking the baby to the breast feeding clinic to get her weighed and discuss a bout of mastitis i had at the weekend, also my baby is intermittently refusing the left breast. They are all good people. I dont mean to bitch, but I was left with the general impression that they all thought this was a fine way to spend the day- if youre a total loser. I felt there was an atmosphere of pity in the air. Like Im being really flakey and lazy! But really!! None of them have children. They will perhaps understand when they do that getting out of the house at all with a nursing baby is a bit of an achievement. Meanwhile, I know they meant no harm, but it has plummeted me into a sea of self pity/loathing. My DH and I moved away when I got preggers and now live in his hometown. I have done pretty damn well at trying to get to know people, and feel I have a good life here now. I have no definite plans to go back to work, and I feel a bit paranoid that friends think this a bit pathetic.
Please could someone reassure me that this is crazy!! I mean Ive got a tiny baby and a sore boob situation!!! Why do I feel like a loser for not running my own frigging dotcom company from my bed!!!!!

OP posts:

jaynehater · 05/09/2007 12:55

daydreambeliever -

"clean baby, clean mummy, clean house"

Clean spot on the sofa was the summit of my ambitions, frankly .

oranges · 05/09/2007 12:57

Why does no one insist that all new mothers get themselves a thermos mug, so they can keep the cup of tea warm for the 2 hours it will take them to drink it??

jaynehater · 05/09/2007 13:01

The best gift my mother ever gave me was the day four days after dd2's birth, when she ushered me to a seat, next to which was a steaming mug of tea and a plate of sandwiches, handed me the remote control, and said

"Just keep turning it UP till nothing disturbs you....we'll be somewhere else".

That was a memorable cuppa. Scalding hot, start to finish.

(Is it just me, or does everyone else find it hard to drink hot tea now, after years of motherhood? I seem to have developed a taste for lukewarm drinks)

Kog · 05/09/2007 13:08

Ugh! My mother-in-law is forever asking me what exactly it is that I DO all day. And when I explain that I clean things, cook things, shop for things, take DD places and often just play with her, MIL looks blank and asks me if that's not really boring to do day after day.

Stroo · 05/09/2007 13:17

I was also the first of my group to have a baby (school friends and uni friends)and a couple acted as if i'd really let them down! And some didn't invite us to weddings as we had a baby!

So now i have two boys aged 4 and 6 who i can take on trips to London etc. and they really enjoy and understand stuff and can get their own biccies and telly on a weekend morning etc.

We visit old friends who have only just started having babies and come away muchly cheered up!

god! I'm horrid i know but what goes around................

Hope you're feeling better!

MrsMarvel · 05/09/2007 13:25

They have no babies and they are jealous, in an indirect and confused way. They are probably confused that you are not desperate to get back to work and that you have moved into babyworld. Welcome!

I find that being with other mothers in babyworld helps reassure me that I am definitely in the right place.

Original poster

daydreambeliever · 05/09/2007 13:58

Kog, how did your MIL bring up your DH, has she blanked out that period or did she have a full time nanny? Just curious, cos it seems to me that anyone who's ever been a mum is an ally and should surely understand?

OP posts:

krang · 05/09/2007 14:20

Slightly different take here - don't worry too much about what you think they think of you. The reason I say this is because after I had DS I completely lost all sense of proportion and reason for several months. Perfectly innocent remarks from good friends were turned over and over in my mind. Rage consumed me every time one of my poor childless mates said something I considered to be out of order. Some of it was PND, some of it was just fury that THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND. Just little things like 'ooh, bet you're not getting much sleep.' OF COURSE I'M NOT YOU STUPID, STUPID COW.

Now DS is 18 months and I look back and think how silly I was for getting so angry. Of course they have no idea. Having a baby is one of those situations where if you haven't had one you have absolutely no clue. So don't be too hard on yourself, but also don't be too hard on your mates...

oranges · 05/09/2007 14:34

My MIL had that attitude till I left ds with her for two hours. When I came back, she was ashen faced and said "I'd forgotton how hard it is."

StealthPolarBear · 05/09/2007 14:37

good point krang. I fumed when, after telling a friend DS was slightly below average for weight she innocently asked "do you need to do anything to get his weight back up?"
I felt like saying "No, it's NORMAL for a breastfed baby, and anyway, by the very definition some babies have to be BELOW average"
But I didn't, cos she was only showing an interest and prob doesnt realise how your baby's weight can dominate your brain!
At the same time, another friend who has a baby slightly older than DS was there. She tried to bf but stopped when bits of her nipple came off and was very upset about it. During that weekend another of her friends asked if she'd thought about breastfeeding! Was very on her behalf but if you don't have children you don't realise how emotive a subject it can be!

bubblepop · 05/09/2007 14:42

bless you, i bet your probably knackered. let it all go over your head, in a few weeks time you'll be on the way up and feeling much better im sure.congratualtions on the new arrival by the way.

chipmonkey · 05/09/2007 15:28

daydreambeliever, just wait! When they have kids you can ring them up and ask them the same question!

StealthPolarBear · 05/09/2007 15:43

Yeah, don;t forget to mention daytime TV

VeronicaMars · 05/09/2007 15:44

People really have no idea until they do it themselves. My mil always said to me when I was pg that my sleep will become so important to me and she's right. Your day is filled with so much to do, even to get out of the house can take from anything between 30 mins to hours.

crokky · 05/09/2007 15:57

People just make assumptions, although I think they ought to have the intelligence to listen to you and try to understand.

My best friend does not have any children, but if I say something about looking after my LO, then she believes that I am telling the truth!! She is careful when she rings me as she worries about waking LO up (even though I have told her it is no prob as we never sleep anyway!).

I don't think it's too much to ask for an adult to show a bit of consideration.

However, a male friend came round when baby was 10 days old and asked me "why do you look so dopey?". I told him I would be coming to see him when he had a 10 day old baby and asking the same thing.

When I was off sick whilst pg with hyperemesis last time, I went back to work (for very brief periods) when about 6 months pg and a colleague asked if I had been enjoying months of daytime TV! I told him I was actually so ill I was actaully unable to get to the TV and he was a bit shocked.

Holly29 · 05/09/2007 16:12

I totally second everything that has been said: you are doing tremendously! Your friends will soon learn when they have their own...

My own DH this morning made the sad mistake of saying that I have a great easy life of leisure at the moment (I am 37+1 and have just started maternity leave). I asked him whether he would like to swap going to work for constant kicks in the ribs, heartburn, inability to sleep plus the fact that I will soon be actually giving birth, and to his credit he stopped and thinked about it and said no and rang me this pm to say that he really appreciated how this was not that easy for me!

Mind you, it does feel a bit like a life of leisure at the moment... compared to what you are going through! x

Holly29 · 05/09/2007 16:13

URGH! 'Thought' about it. PG brain.

StealthPolarBear · 05/09/2007 16:19

My DH refers to what I'm on as 'baby holiday'
But he only does it to wind me up

lucyellensmum · 05/09/2007 16:24

daydreambeliever - ive only read the OP and i have only one peice of advice - get some new friends!!! My reply would have been - i'm going to enjoy my baby, the thing that when you have one, you realise that everything else you have achieved before that is insignificant. Its pants having sore boobs though

Anna8888 · 05/09/2007 16:26

No-one who hasn't had sole charge of a breastfeeding baby with a post-pregnancy body, a house to keep clean and tidy, shopping to be done and meals to make has any idea of just how difficult it is to achieve anything more than that.

Well done for having friends over for the day

3andnomore · 05/09/2007 16:41

aww daydream....they haven't got a clue, so, I wouldn't worry about it!
Once they have Baby's of their own, they soon will see where you are coming from, meanwhile might also be worth looking into some new friends that you can share this time with!

bumperlicious · 05/09/2007 16:59

DDB I totally empathise with you. All my friends laugh at me when I say I am going to the breastfeeding group and I feel like I have to make a joke out of it (along the lines of "yes, that's how exciting my life has become!") when actually I really enjoy it!

I don't think your friends were being rude, they just have no idea what it is like to have a newborn baby, and bfing just takes it out of you so much! If I can get one thing done a day, like the laundry or shopping I consider it an achievement. If I remember to clean my teeth in the morning - well, that's a good day!

Anyway, with a 10 week old baby, you must have had her in June? Why don't you join us on the June postnatal thread here. Come and whinge with us, we all have babies around the same age.

surreygirl · 05/09/2007 17:24

I'm only 17 weeks+6 pg with my first LO but have already been dropped by several 'friends' who don't have kids because they don't like the fact that I now don't want to go drinking on a night out or they think I'm going to turn into a 'mummy bore'.

Another 'friend' asked me to go on her hen weekend to Spain and I did at 7 weeks pg and feeling sh1t and exhausted with tiredness - she then didn't speak to me for 2 days after her 'hen night' as I couldn't stay up past midnight and go clubbing with her. I just about managed 8pm-11pm! Just kept telling the others that it was HER hen do (she did turn into a real Bridezilla) so is not someone I'm keen on keeping in touch with!

Real eye openers - just as someone else says, spend time with like minded people and think sod the other 'friends'.

You really take the time to enjoy your baby and take it a day at a time. Thankfully as I'm an older first time Mum-to-be of 39 I do have other friends/SILs with kids so have got some idea from watching them of how much energy their little ones took and that I will be lucky to brush my hair or teeth in the first few months! Take care you and stick to your guns, x

Cathy10 · 05/09/2007 21:38

my children are slightly older now but I totally know how you feel - when my first child was born one friend asked me what I did all day (!!) and the other told me under no uncertain terms not to let it take over my life!!! Those 2 comments ate away at me for years and years ... (honestly!). Esp if I was stressed and near tears trying to cope. All I can say to you, keep the comments and say exactly the same thing back to your friends when they are in the same situation! Thats if they are still friends, sometimes people move poles apart, and theres nothing, nothing at all, more important than being a mummy.

StealthPolarBear · 05/09/2007 21:44

Not to let it take over your life?!
Well it has been two weeks you really should be gettting on with some other project by now

Flip

1 2 3 4