To believe that caring for a 10 week old baby counts as 'doing something with my day'

[daydreambeliever]

I am feeling a bit blue. I have a gorgeous 10 week baby. Some friends just visited yesterday. They came out of their way to visit, they live a long way away. They all lead busy high achieving lives. They have just left, and before they headed away we had come back from a walk and were sat in the kitchen. They said 'what are you going to do with the rest of the day?". I mumbled vaguely about taking the baby to the breast feeding clinic to get her weighed and discuss a bout of mastitis i had at the weekend, also my baby is intermittently refusing the left breast. They are all good people. I dont mean to bitch, but I was left with the general impression that they all thought this was a fine way to spend the day- if youre a total loser. I felt there was an atmosphere of pity in the air. Like Im being really flakey and lazy! But really!! None of them have children. They will perhaps understand when they do that getting out of the house at all with a nursing baby is a bit of an achievement. Meanwhile, I know they meant no harm, but it has plummeted me into a sea of self pity/loathing. My DH and I moved away when I got preggers and now live in his hometown. I have done pretty damn well at trying to get to know people, and feel I have a good life here now. I have no definite plans to go back to work, and I feel a bit paranoid that friends think this a bit pathetic.
Please could someone reassure me that this is crazy!! I mean Ive got a tiny baby and a sore boob situation!!! Why do I feel like a loser for not running my own frigging dotcom company from my bed!!!!!

I gave up work when dd1 was a year old, when I told one of my friends she said "But what will you do all day!" slight pause, deflated tone "Oh I suppose you have dd1 though"

Just because you are enjoying it does not mean it is not blisteringly hard work looking after your first baby.

pmsl @ 'blisteringly' hard work. Great description!

Oh you are all so right!!!!! That book looks excellent too. It is very hard to describe where the day goes but by the time ive ran aroud between feeds etc cleaning the house/laundry/clean self etc the day is gone. And I cant really describe where its gone. Actually I could have said to my friends- what am i going to do well it will take me all day to get the time to clean up your towels cups plates bedsheets put campbeds back in cupboards. But I didnt. Probably just as well. I guess I used to be like this myself towards mums!!!! But get this- 3 weeks after I had my baby, a friend who knew fully thaa our wee one had just beed born, ranh up in the day. I raced to get the phone and was out of breath. He said, in all seriousness, have you just got in, have you been at work. !!! And his wife is due in 2 weeks, he's in for a shock if he's thinks that women drop their sprog, pop baby in their handbag and put their high heels on an totter back to work. Right, gotta go to that clinic now. Thank you all very much for cheery words of support!!!

Early morning feeds were the worst - nowt on the telly...ended up watching (for the first time) the awful programmes oh discovery Health y'know the ones with very pregant American women who are full of optimism muttering "yeah right, give it another few weeks then see how farkin optimistic you feel". night time feeds, no telly, no distractions, other than the spider that pottered onto my shoulder one time . Have probably traumatised DS by the VERY hasty removal of him from breast to settee whilst I hyper-ventilated. Bravely went back and glared at spider weaving around on floor. now THAT couunted as high achievement. Sod the dot-coms.

dont forget the time taken in extracting huge blobs of snot from your LO's nose
to me, one of the upsides to parenthood

In my book, anyone who has visitors,and gets their 10 week old baby baby weighed, while dealing with mastitis, is a high achiever.

Daydreambeliever, I know just how you feel! One of my friends has always been a career girl, set up own company, employs lots of people etc. She definitely had that 'Oh come on...how difficult can it be?' air about her.

Then she came to stay for a few days. After the first day of full-on looking after, she had to have a lie-down for a little sleep at 5pm! .

daydreambeliever I feel your pain! Slowly lost touch with the mates who talked down to me when DS was born and I was on mat leave - they were always the ones who droned about how busy/tired they were etc etc, when I was feeding a massive hungry baby and surviving on 4 hours sleep...

Grr, I just laugh it off now, and spend more time with supportive mates!

(And I think what you're doing whilst having mastitis is legendary).

Daydream Believer, are you Home Coming Queen as well? If you were dressed to receive your rather rude and ignorant guests, you're doing better than I did at 10 weeks post childbirth!

I've known plenty of people who have thought they would write that novel on maternity leave, and then discovered what it's like to be home with a small baby.

Mastitis can make you feel quite depressed, even without unhelpful guests. The womanly art of bf takes some learning, and tends to be mastered mainly by those who make it a high priority.

BTW maybe the atmosphere of pity was actually envy.

lol at "popping baby into handbag" !!

You are doing brilliantly, and when your friends have children then they will look back and cringe.

Not that Im still brooding over this or anything (ahem). But when I mentioned that I was going to start going to a local breastfeeding group next week, they all laughed!!!! In a, 'right, and will you be going to a how to take a poo group next then?' In a sniggering fashion. Yes, derisory is the word. Gits.
More importantly, at the clinic this afternoon they told me my baby, who had been putting on weight like a heffer, has only gained 10 ounces in the last 3 weeks. This puts my stupid friends right back where they should be in my priorities. It is precisely the last 3 weeks that I have been inundated with visits from 'friends'. Friends who email me in advance to check whether I have booked a restauarant or will we be eating in. I am absolutely done with this entertaining so called friends nonsense. I am going to spend the next 3 months where I should be, in bed with my baby, feeding her. I just hope there is no serious reason why she has gained less weight. Why have I been so passive about all this?

It's sad and painfull but you have to cut ties loose with these sort of friends.
Why would you want this negativity in your life. There are different times for different hings in life. Sod them if they can't apreciate the richness of your current experience. Mingle withy like minded people.
If any of them is a true good friend then just confront her and say how you feel and that maybe at a later stage in her life when she goes through this she can come and find you and you'll be there to support her just as you would hope she'll be there to support you when you want to get bback to work.
I lost my best friend of 20 years for the 2 years following birth of my son. And finally she realised I was not making up excuses when I could not go out spontaneously at 8pm the same day.......But then again she's a real friend.
Don't bother with mere acquaintances. tighten your circle. No time for parasites in your life at the moment.

don't beat yourself up, the weight gain is to be appreciated over a few weeks not just from 2 consecutive visits at the clinic.
I'm sure it's no worry.
take good care of yourself and although cuddling up with baby in bed seems like a great idea, don't shut yourself to the world. Go out and do baby groups to meet other mums.

Daydream, I completely agree with everyone who says you can't imagine what having a baby is like until you do it, but are you sure your friends were really being rude?

What I mean is, if they know nothing about baby weighing, breastfeeding problems and mastitis (maybe they don't even know what mastitis really is, let alone how sore it is) - do you think it's possible that they didn't react well because they just didn't know what to say?

For example if (before I had children) someone had remarked to me that their baby was intermittently refusing the left breast, I think I'd have been a bit nonplussed tbh.

Do you not think it could just be a question of different worlds and that they're not being critical of you at all - just can't relate to your life at the moment? They probably realised that wild excitement ("Breastfeeding clinic!!! How fabulous!!") was not the appropriate response, but without experience of babies, wouldn't have had anything constructive to say either.

LOL at me for defending total strangers! Or maybe they're just being nasty and will get their comeuppance in due course [evil cackle].

daydreambeliever, you made the (perfectly understandable) rookie error of thinking anyone without children has the least effing idea what it's like to be a parent. It's not their fault, and it certainly isn't yours either.

Don't worry about a weight gain of 10 oz, she's probably in between growth spurts.

But definitely don't waste all your time entertaining these people. Unless people are prepared to muck in when they come round, ban them from the house.

You may find over time you drift away from these people as your lives take different courses. A friend of mine from school days randomly started working at my organisation a few months ago; he doesn't know anyone up here and was asking me who I knew. Outside work, I know mums. Did he want to meet women who already had children (and mostly husbands too!)? "Er, no. That's okay"

You know what, your friends will get a dreadful shock when they have their babies. They'll be on the 'phone to you quick as you like! Ignore them. THEY know nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. Ignorant.

You need to read the book:

What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadler

It's super. It basically talks about how indequate women can feel once they've had a baby and spent the whole day caring for them and feel like they've achieved nothing. It stresses the need to slow down to the rhythm of your child, accept that this is a stage of your life where you can't charge about 'achieving' this, that and the other.

It's an easy read and will help. I promise!

It is just that people sometimes enter different phases of life at different intervals.

Let me share my story, sorry if it is long.

I had two good friends at University, they were sisters, and were tied to eachothers hips. You rarely saw one without the other. We had fun during Uni, and had some great nights out dinging and drinking early in our professional lives. They lost interest in me from the moment I shared the happy news I was pregnant.

I made arrangments to meet them for saturday lunch once, when my now oldest was 6 months old and absolutely gorgeous. I brought him, and another friend who was smitten with him and more than prepared to "muck in". They were oohing and aaahing, and how cute he was. But they never replied to my emails after this meeting. I heard Nothing, nada, zilch.

UNTIL 1 1/2 years ago when my son was 4. One of them emailed me with the happy news her sister had just had a little baby girl and should we meet up sometime? I emailed back and congratulated her, and let them now I had now had a second child, and wished her luck in her life as a mum.

So, I got my "revenge"? Does it feel sweet? Not really. They were not willing to step down a pace to let our friendship continue after I had a child,they were not willing to meet up earlier in the day and facilitate me bringing a baby, it was a heavy drinking session or nothing. So nothing it was, as my boy breastfed every two hours throughout the night for the first 9 months.

So why should I come running just because they (or one of them) had entered the same phase in her life as I had been on the last few years? So, in reality, ours were not a strong friendship. My true and real friends have been able to show understanding (without pity and being patronising) despite not having children themselves. They have let me moan and whinge about cracked nipples even if they never experienced it. They have come to my place for coffee rather than going out, and said: "you look knackered, let me sweep your floor it looks horrid. Or, that is a lot of laundry, what can I do, or Woman, go get a nap, I play with baby". Those are friends to keep. The others I would let go.

Sad? Yes maybe, agonise over it now, once and for all, rather than prolonge the agony and feel bad each time you meet them, talk to them, etc. They are on different planets. Dont wait around for them to get kids. Maybe they wont. Or maybe they will but will get full time night and day nanny and be none the wiser. Just chuck them out and get new friends. Life is too short, have fun and enjoy your baby and your new phase of woman hood.

While I agree in substance with starrynight I would also like to add the following:

When we had DS, none of our friends (bar 1 couple) had children.
However, we felt strongly about them, and them about us I came to realise.
We tried to carry on as normal. We brought baby round to lunch at restaurants, and dinner parties at home, and barbecues and even weekends away.
Not everyone was interested but most of our friends were still happier to have us around and bitching about the only other couple who had children because they did not make the effort anymore.

We used to do weekends in Ibiza etc.... so having a baby was a very different experience you can imagine.
Most adapted really well. We would have different schedules and obviously no late nights but could still hang out.

That's why I said before try and find your inner circle. There is one. It just takes time and effort (waking up early with baby when everybody else is having a lie in) to find your true friends.
This is what grown ups do.

I wouldnt care less about what others may think of your choices. You have to live your life for you and your family. Your time will come when baby rearing has passed and you may or may not want to return to work and be back as part of that type of crowd, but for the time being you are who you are and you do what you do with your familys best interests at heart.

Dont let it bother you - your the lucky one. Calm life, lovely baby and a happy family. What do they have? A career thats all.

I still clasp close to my heart the shock, filth and general aghastness on DH's face when I got home after a full day away, leaving him with 6-wk old dd1.

"What did you do all day", I cried gleefully, kicking my way through forty three tiny discarded nappies,vests, bowls of once warm water, cotton balls, pukey muslins and partially defrosted breast milk.....

"What's for tea" produced actual sobs from the man.

Ignore 'em, they've no idea, you sound much better adjusted than I did after 10 months !!

I'm the first of my friends to have children, and the inner sanctum couldn't have been more accommodating. Dinners out and clubbing have been replaced by boozy brunches and afternoon trips to the beer garden, so that DH and I can both come out with DD. I really do appreciate this.

But in return I make a conscious effort to chat to them about clubbing/work/fashion/random shagging, and try to banish words such as "weaning", "nappies", "centile", "motor development" and "health visitor" from my vocabulary for the afternoon.

jaynehater
I thought my DH would be like this as in general hen he's looking after DS when I'm there I'm 'helping' all the time
Left him for a morning, came back to find baby clean and fed, kitchen cleaned and house hoovered through while baby watched in bouncy chair Maybe my 'help' isn't really needed

Welliemum, you could be right, they may well just not really know what I was talking about. I dont think I realised mastitis feels worse than flu till last weekend! Everything ached, and I had such a headache. Starry, you are well rid of those two. And Jaynehater, that is just what I need to do to get my husband to get it!! He comes home from workat half six, and by that time I have usually been sorted for half an hour or so and am enjoying some much needed r+r on the sofa, unless the babba is feeding. Dinner is needless to say, usually still just an idea. So he says, what have you been doing all day. I bleat desparately that it has taken me nine hours of solid graft to acheive the apparent tranquility he beholds, clean mum, clean baby, clean house. He does not believe me for a second!!!!!! Ah well, thats life.

Stealth, your DH has been sneaking his mother in while your out, I'm certain of it

Or you may find your Calpol stocks have been mysteriously depleted ......