DH Controlling or concerned?

[Slowforthewin]

I've been pretty blue. Knock on effect from another round of IVF failing.
DH often puts it back on me, 'working too hard' 'exercising too much' but is generally very supportive. Sometimes I think he can be a bit isolating and encourages me to keep 'my own counsel'
Was pretty out of sort over the weekend, he is away with work this week and has left me with Ddog. I took Monday off work because I wasn't in a good place
He was only just on the flight when he was texting me via wifi
'You and Ddog eaten'
'What did you have'
'Don't forget the meal plan if you're stuck'
'All ok'
'What are you watching'
'Get to bed early'
'Please rest'
Does he have my best interest at heart or is this a bit controlling ?

Best interest. I think he’s in a no win situation here. If he hadn’t contacted you you would be saying he didn’t care.

Asking your wife who is so severely depressed that she cannot go to work if she’s eaten and asking what (because there’s a hell of a lot of difference between a proper meal and a slice of toast) is not controlling.

If you feel he's controlling then he probably is. Also making out failed IVF is in some way your fault is a shitty thing to do

definitley best interest. he seems worried about you x

could be either.

What would his raction be if you didn't do what he said?

When you say he's isolating in what way? Is he not wanting you to discuss personal things or not wanting you to see people?

There are things I tell my friend that dh wouldn't want me to probably, but he just excepts that thats the sort of relationship I have with her rolls his eyes and says "for fucks sake do you have to tell her everything?" He thinks it's funny really. But theres also other things that I haven't told people that he really thinks I should.

Sounds like best interests. But if you feel a bit stifled let him know how you need him to support you

encourages me to keep 'my own counsel'

So he doesn't like you talking to other people about how you feel? Won't let you get help for your depression? Does he let you see friends?

I agree it could be either. I would feel like it's controlling if DH texted me like this (which he does) but I know that's because of how I tend to react to the perception of being told what to do and for him, it totally comes from a place of concern. That said, his remarks about IVF are totally shitty and uncalled for. Having been through unsuccessful IVF, I couldn't stay with someone who said that to me. Look after yourself

That sounds to me like he’s checking in. Do you do the same for him when he’s struggling?

I’m unclear if he’s suggesting ivf failed due to your work stress and exercise or that he thinks that on top of your ivf is making you run down and low? You’ve obviously got a lot on and he’s probably worried you’re pushing yourself, especially if you’ve had to take time off because of your low mood. Checking that you’re eating and looking after yourself when he’s not there to take care of you isn’t controlling. And I don’t agree that you suspecting him of being controlling means he is. You’re suffering and possibly being a bit defensive.

I don’t think he’s putting the IVF failing back onto her. I read that as the OP saying that when she is depressed he says it’s because she’s working too much or exercising too hard, not the IVF.

Sounds like he was just concerned for you as he knew you were down.

As for the IVF I don't think he's blaming you just trying to get you to take it a bit easier.

Aw bless you, you sound so downcast.

I think it comes from a place of concern - like @AnneLovesGilbert I dislike being asked questions like this because I perceive it’s telling me what to do, when it’s actually husband being concerned. Like the time I had a cold and nodded off on the couch, I woke up with a stiff neck and said ‘why don’t you go to bed’ - I told him YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO! IM A GROWN UP! LEAVE ME ALONE! By that point I was upstairs in bed....

Best wishes OP

Sounds like best interests. Me and my husband ask these questions 9f each other. It's partly being caring and partly being nosey!

It does sound like he's worried about you. Reminding you to eat etc.

Hard to know, although the keeping your own counsel bit is worrying. It’s good to talk!

I read that totally as checking in on the practical bits of life and making sure you're ok when he's not there. I suspect that you're extra sensitive at the moment to perceived 'not coping' which is understandable but it's not him being controlling.

Here’s how I’d tell the difference.

If he’s doing things that are work for him and not for you, he’s probably being helpful. If it’s no work for him and work / hassle for you, it’s probably controlling.

If he’s worried about you eating, so fills the fridge and freezer before he goes with healthy meals that you love - that’s helpful.

If he insists that you go out and buy and cook food that he has decided on - that’s controlling.

If he arranges and pays for a dog walker to care for DDog when you are too unwell = helpful. Nagging you to walk DD when he’s gone away and is shirking his own responsibilities = controlling.

Staying home to care for DDog because you are too unwell ( or because it’s his dog ) = appropriate .

Wanting to know what you are watching = controlling . I can’t think of any legit reasons to control another adults viewing.

Telling you who you can confide in about your own business = controlling.

Asking you not to tell other people his business = perfectly legit.

Telling you how much you can exercise = controlling.

Discussing the issues of potential over exercise , as agreed with a doctor or professional coach = legit.

I think there's a continuum. What starts as concern, and feels like concern, can become control. Once you start thinking of your partner as someone who can't make their own decisions and need to be told what to do for their own good, you're well on the way to becoming controlling/abusive.

I have a hugely close family, DH's family are non existent. He is pretty much NC because they are a waste of space. DH definitely thinks I works too hard, hates it when I work late (work in white collar construction) is always cold if I'm out with the boys from work. Yet he travels with work (professional Admin based role) and he often goes mia for days because he's working.
He doesn't stop me seeing anyone, but I think he'd be happier if I was home 24/7

DH meal planned - with me in mind. He got the shopping in, left the list on the fridge.
Ddog goes to daycare.

If your DH is controlling so am I. My DH has a breakdown a few years ago and I was constantly on his back about exercising/eating/sleeping properly. It did come from a place of care!

although the keeping your own counsel bit is worrying

Yeah I thought so too, surely talking to people/getting support from people is the best way?

Wanting to know what you are watching = controlling . I can’t think of any legit reasons to control another adults viewing.

This could be just taking an interest or being chatty in case you are bored? I think it's the overall picture. It could also be that he has good intention to be caring but you find it stifling and would prefer to be left in peace.

On the surface is ok.

But I really think this could escalate as time goes on.

OP, who you talk to and about what is your business.
I would not tolerate being told who I may speak to.
I would not tolerate someone sulking because I am out with work colleagues.
I decided definitely wouldn't tolerate being blamed for IVF not working....that would make me rethink doing it.
I wouldn't tolerate someone trying to make me feel bad if I'm not at home 24 hours.

I think you have a gut feeling that is not great.
Think about it and allow yourself to explore that feeling.
Do not have a child with a controlling man.

I believe utterly in gut feelings.

Wishing you well.

Wanting to know what you are watching = controlling . I can’t think of any legit reasons to control another adults viewing.

Perhaps he's just interested or making conversation. How on earth do some of you get on with your partners/husbands if you can't ask each other what your doing or watching without accusing each other of being controlling. I often ask my husband what he's doing if I call when out. Not controlling just curious.