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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH Controlling or concerned?

52 replies

Slowforthewin · 18/02/2020 10:59

I've been pretty blue. Knock on effect from another round of IVF failing.
DH often puts it back on me, 'working too hard' 'exercising too much' but is generally very supportive. Sometimes I think he can be a bit isolating and encourages me to keep 'my own counsel'
Was pretty out of sort over the weekend, he is away with work this week and has left me with Ddog. I took Monday off work because I wasn't in a good place
He was only just on the flight when he was texting me via wifi
'You and Ddog eaten'
'What did you have'
'Don't forget the meal plan if you're stuck'
'All ok'
'What are you watching'
'Get to bed early'
'Please rest'
Does he have my best interest at heart or is this a bit controlling ?

OP posts:

dontgobaconmyheart · 18/02/2020 11:49

They aren't mutually exclusive. I'm sure lots of controlling people have the best of intentions in their own minds.

All sounds quite overbearing OP, in normal circumstances- however. If you're off work with mental health concerns then that's different. There isn't a lot he can do if he's away other than that, presumably he's worried.

As for the rest I think you'd need to give more info. If you feel controlled then that ultimately is a problem, have you asked him to stop? Is the dynamic always that you are the more submissive partner and he tries to 'parent'. What makes you think he would prefer you to always be at home and not seek advice from others- that seems unhealthy.

1forsorrow · 18/02/2020 11:51

It is a hard one and alot of it could be read either way. I think the big thing is how you feel about it. Personally it would drive me mad, I'm an adult and if I want a jam sandwich for dinner that's my business but I can see that my husband could be suggesting a nice salad would come from a good place.

There is obviously a reason for him to be concerned at the moment, if everything is going well is he the same?

Double3xposure · 18/02/2020 11:53

I have a hugely close family, DH's family are non existent

Does he object to you confiding in or spending time with your family ?

DH definitely thinks I works too hard

Do you think you work too hard? Does your Dh understand the issues for women in the construction industry ? What does he actually do to support you in your career ? ( I don’t mean what he says ).

hates it when I work late
Why, if this is part of building your career ?

is always cold if I'm out with the boys from work. Yet he travels with work (professional Admin based role) and he often goes mia for days because he's working

Does he work on MoD properties or is he in the armed forces or security services ? Because I’m struggling to think of any other reason why he goes mia. Can you please explain ?

He doesn't stop me seeing anyone, but I think he'd be happier if I was home 24/7

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Do your family and friends know all of the above and what is their opinion ?

MulticolourMophead · 18/02/2020 11:57

DH definitely thinks I works too hard, hates it when I work late (work in white collar construction) is always cold if I'm out with the boys from work. Yet he travels with work (professional Admin based role) and he often goes mia for days because he's working.
He doesn't stop me seeing anyone, but I think he'd be happier if I was home 24/7

This info puts me on the side of controlling.

maggiecate · 18/02/2020 12:04

It sounds as if he’s trying to be helpful, but when you’re feeling low and want the world to disappear someone constantly being ‘helpful‘ by asking if you’re OK etc can be stifling.

Re ‘keep your own counsel’, if he has issues with his family this MIGHT be a result of that - “if you don’t tell people things they can’t use it against you.” But it’s not terribly helpful because both of you are very close to the issues that are causing you to feel low, and talking to someone a bit removed would probably be helpful. Do you have a family member you can talk to? Or your GP?

Aridane · 18/02/2020 12:14

If you feel he's controlling then he probably is

or more likely it's your depression talking

gingersausage · 18/02/2020 12:26

Ask yourself honestly how you would feel or react if he’d gone off and not texted you. I don’t mean that in a snarky way, but would you have felt sad and abandoned or relieved? I think the answer to that would give you some insight into whether it’s controlling behaviour.

It’s always going to be difficult when two people don’t react to things in the same way. With the “keeping your own counsel” for instance, I’m a very private person and whereas my husband will discuss his innermost secrets with the postman. Neither of us is wrong, just different.

I think “control” is massively overused on here for what is just normal behaviour that the other person doesn’t necessarily identify with. So many problems could be solved by just communicating with each other.

Wiaa · 18/02/2020 12:40

This is a hard one and i think only you can answer. Context and his responses are the real indicators. Is he stopping you talking to/meeting friends or does he just like stuff to be private between the two of you? Does he actually mind what you eat or just wants to know you ate a proper meal? Is he concerned your wallowing in bed/in front of tv getting depressed or does he want you to be doing something specific. My DH often asks questions like these sometimes he's just checking in and doesn't actually care about the answer other times he's worried because im ill been a bit down heavily pregnant ect

Haggisfish · 18/02/2020 12:41

Your further update would have me running away.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/02/2020 12:44

or more likely it's your depression talking

I mean have you read her updates?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 18/02/2020 12:48

Well, he may be, but some of the things are totally normal.
DH and I will often ask what we're watching, what you're up to today, etc. It's because we are interested in each other and what we're doing.
And if one of us was unwell, or struggling, we'd be looking after each other by making sure we ate well and rested.
But, this is MN, where everyone is a controlling abuser...

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/02/2020 12:57

is always cold if I'm out with the boys from work. That's a bit of a red flag.

DH meal planned - with me in mind. He got the shopping in, left the list on the fridge. You can't meal plan for someone else to cook! I'd be outraged if someone else decided the meal and left me to cook it. Besides, the only thing that makes cooking tolerable is the autonomy to choose what to cook.

FlorencesHunger · 18/02/2020 12:57

It seems like you are in a place where your dh sees you as dependant on him atm and so he has taken on that role to a point where you aren't happy with it. There is a thin line between supportive advice,guidance and concern and being dictated to. He might like that too which is where the flags come in, it seems like he is dragging you down tbh.

You should do whatever will help you regardless of whether he approves. Speak to a person you trust if you need to, go out without thinking of his preference. It isn't about him.

I had someone(relatively close) who would message me at random times to tell me to go to bed, say between 11pm into the small hours. It bugged me but couldn't really say why. It seemed to be in joke terms however, it felt like an undercurrent of something. One day I responded shut up and they haven't done it since. I realise it is different but It comes from a place where I can think and do for myself so I won't let people tip toe on that line even.

GabriellaMontez · 18/02/2020 12:58

Context and response is everything here.

Though not sure what exactly you mean by Mia. Whatever he does, would he accept the same behaviour from you,?

partofthepeanutgallery · 18/02/2020 13:04

Based on your updates, I think he's controlling and trying to mask it as concern.

And if he seriously blames IVF failures on you 'working too hard' or 'exercising too much', even if he then says he didn't mean it that way or whatever, that is vile and unacceptable.

If that's happening, and if you think he's controlling, he probably is. Not someone I'd want a baby with, tbh; then it will be harder to get out if you 'need' to. I'd talk to your family about your concerns and possibly rethink everything.

rbmilliner · 18/02/2020 13:21

I'm so sorry about the IVF, no wonder your down.

This isn't control, he clearly loves you and is concerned probably because he's worried he's not there with you. It took a long time for us to conceive and my husband was the same and although we didn't have to go through IVF. It did make me feel stifled at times but someone said it hadn't happened for him either so he's probably upset too.

Look after each other and everything crossed for the future

diddl · 18/02/2020 13:35

His whole family are a waste of space so he's pretty much NC with all of them?

That's unusual isn't it?

If he meal planned with you in mind that's probably OK-as long as it doesn't matter if you don't stick to it.

I don't like it when my husband works late.

I'm don't take it out on him in any way though & am always pleased to see him when he gets in.

I'm also a one for not saying much to many.

That's up to me.

Of course if what you want to talk about involves someone else, it's probably trickier.

Leaning towards controlling tbh.

Bananalanacake · 18/02/2020 14:18

Sorry about the IVF failing. I don't understand why he would be happier if you are home all the time. You have no DC yet. I would be telling him you want to enjoy going out several times a week before DC come along. How would he react.

Sewrainbow · 18/02/2020 14:43

Initial post sounds caring and worried, plus he is bored on a plane so texting more often than usual.

Updates sounds more controlling plus he is insecure about you working in a male dominated industry.

BrendasUmbrella · 18/02/2020 14:51

On the face of it, it just sounds like he cares for your wellbeing and is reminding you to look after yourself. But if you think he's being controlling, maybe he is. We are only being shown one snapshot of your whole marriage.

happywifi99 · 18/02/2020 16:25

Some of this sounds very worrying to me. the being cold when you're out, being happier if you were home 24/7, that kind of thing is definitely controlling and I would be very careful if I were you

Double3xposure · 18/02/2020 19:03

MIA is missing in action.

WeirdAndScary · 18/02/2020 19:13

When my DH was very depressed, I would prep his evening meal for him if I was on a night shift and message him to check in with him. Not because I am controlling but because he was ill and needed me to help him.

Your DH could be trying to do something similar or he could be controlling. Have you spoken to him about how you find his messages overbearing?

Micsam89 · 19/02/2020 00:13

Could be either. My husband texts the same kinds of things when I'm going through major depressive episodes. I can't think logically for myself or make decisions, and these kinds of messages help me focus on what I can do to make me feel better or at least keep me alive until he is there to care for me. But some of your follow up posts indicate it may be part of a controlling thing.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2020 01:44

If my DH texted me with that I'd put it down to being concerned and wanting to show he cared. But that's because he's not controlling.

How would he react if you told him "Honey, I'm fine. Please don't 'hover'. I just need rest and quiet'? If he gets angry, he's controlling.

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