Ever regret settling for a sexless marriage

[regretsivehad]

And what was the outcome.
Nc'd for this as I don't want to be linked to previous threads.
I knew he was not into or any sexual intimacy really. He was honest from the get go. He didn't explain why and was not willing to explore reasons.he was comfortable with his lack of interest.
I did try to see if I could turn him on but when it did happen it was rare and fast and didn't satisfy me.sex just isn't for him and I don't know why. I didn't think it was me.

He was intimate in different ways with cuddles and personal touch and warm embrace and kissing. He didn't seem to enjoy my ' bits'. He didn't engage down there.
I accepted him and our lack of sex as I loved him and we had an incredible relationship otherwise.
It is frustrating and I am here to ask if any of you lovely min posters have gone through this and what was the outcome. Did your love for one another conquer that lack in your relationship?

Personally that would not be a complete relationship for me, sorry you're clearly unhappy.

Sometimes I feel like we are just friends. Any other experiences please?

Bump?

I know of couples who this has worked for but they were honest from the outset and the other partner wasn't under any illusion that they could change their partner. They're lasting stronger than their counterparts who have previously had good sex lives.

Do you know why he feels this way? Asexual? Bad experiences?

He hadn't said anything had occurred.
He has said that he just doesn't have the urges. He has tried to masturbate/ porn/ massage but he hasn't the urge. Never felt d as a teenager either.
He can perform and has performed but it is missionary, vanilla, fast, nighttime, no touch down there and he must be on top.
He is specific about this.

I walked away eventually. But I miss my ex and wonder if I should have settled?

I settled. Massively regret it. Am now mid 50s with DH almost 60. He is retired.

I should have left years ago. It was always an issue. But I was desperate for a child - had one through ivf.

We were expats for years and had a great lifestyle and lots of friends and lots going on socially so for years other than sex it was good. We got on well. He made me laugh. He is not a bad man in any sense. Very generous. Etc.

But there is no connection. No intimacy. Nothing to keep the bond. I used to be very huggy and would kiss him but can’t now. Feels ugh.

In my view you can keep going for a while but the resentment builds up.

When does resentment build up? What I feel is a frustration.I have tried massage, toys,lingerie but no one thing has aroused him.
He has never got aroused naturally in the mornings either.
Everything else is wonderful in our lives together. He is 32.
We are together a few years.

We've been together 8 years, not had sex (in any way, shape or form) in 6 years. To be honest, I don't care. I don't miss it. I can think of a hundred things I'd rather be doing at any given time, and I say that as someone who has had a LOT of sex.

DH is open about the fact that he doesn't have much of a sex drive and this issue has ended previous relationships. We are intimate in other ways and he definitely doesn't feel like "just a friend".

It can only work if both people are on board though. At first when the sex dwindled I felt rejected, then I realised that I actually didn't care that much and I was only pushing for it because I thought it meant there was something wrong with us if we aren't having sex.

The resentment was always there to an extent but I made a decision when DC was very young that I’d made my bed. I felt I owed it to both of them to stay. Ours was complicated by the fact that we were overseas so if I’d left it wouldn’t be as if I would be living nearby. So I stayed. DC is off to uni this year.

We’ve had a stressful few years with DS and DH and I were arguing a lot and he said something in an argument about a regret he had. Which was about moving to a country I didn’t want to go to. Bear in mind I’d moved to four different counties for his job. So his big regret is not taking that offer. That comment just crystallised all my regrets. It’s been a year since that comment and I’m still angry. So even though the resentment isn’t about the sex per se it’s all tied up in all of the compromises I made.

The lack of intimacy really gets to you.

But how is it different to being very close platonic friends then? I'm really not being goady, I need to understand.

It just is

We fancy each other, we still hold hands/kiss/tickle each other/wrestle/cuddle up in bed. We just feel married, I've no interest in being with anyone else.

I suppose I can't describe it. It either works for you at you get it, or it doesn't.

Thamks@Peridot1 . Is there any way that it can work? Can holding hands, a cuddle in bed , a kiss goodnight satisfy for fifty years? Would I be crazy to consider staying ?

Thanks@amusedbush. I do all of that with my nieces and nephews. I'm trying to make the best decision form life but I cherish him. It seems a huge compromise

No kisses or cuddles or sharing a bed here. Separate bedrooms for years now.

I don’t love him anymore. Whether that is purely down to the lack of intimacy or not I can’t really say. There is lots of other things that are an issue. Little things in some ways. But things I could maybe live with if everything else was good. We don’t do anything together. He doesn’t like to go to the cinema or theatre or out for lunch or dinner or walks or whatever. At least not with me.

It’s hard to say whether we would be in this position if we had had a more ‘normal’ relationship.

All I know is aside from DS I regret staying. I would never regret having him obviously.

I think if he is 32 and not feeling sexy at all ,this is strange for such a young man .Hate to say it but do you think he could be gay? Or wanting to be on top maybe had some sort of sexual abuse in his past? I would need to get to the bottom of it .I do not think you should stay in the marriage ,as it is not usual and would be very difficult to accept a cuddle or holding hands in place of a sexual relationship . What about children? I think you are accepting an incomplete relationship TBH .He may be a nice guy ,but although everything else is "wonderful" it is not satisfying for you which makes it less than wonderful ! I dont mean to sound harsh but I dont think you would be happy in your future together as this is a massive part of being together !

I think if he is 32 and not feeling sexy at all ,this is strange for such a young man

My DH is 29 (almost 30), this has been going on his whole life. We got together at 22 and his lack of interest in sex had already ended more than one relationship.

I know (for reasons that aren't relevant) that he's not gay. Some people just don't have high sex drives, or they are asexual.

Also, I should probably point out that some of my DH's issue stems from eating disorders, body dysmorphia, crippling anxiety and depression. All of these things cause performance anxiety, which leads to him being unable to sustain an erection. The pressure is just too much, so he'd rather avoid it altogether.

However, even when things are going well and he is able to "perform", he's just not that bothered so it was only ever once a week or so even in the early days, which became once a month, then a few times a year and so on.

And as I said, I genuinely don't miss it. We are comfortable and happy as we are.

@dottiedodah

l think if he is 32 and not feeling sexy at all ,this is strange for such a young man .Hate to say it but do you think he could be gay? Or wanting to be on top maybe had some sort of sexual abuse in his past?

The most likely explanation is that he naturally has a very low sex drive/is asexual and is happy that way. That has nothing to do with age, or orientation - humans are on a sliding scale of sex drive, and asexuals are naturally at one end of it. If the individual is happy like this, then there is no need to seek to change it, regardless of whether society thinks they "ought to be" more interested in sex.

There's nothing wrong with being asexual, and it doesn't indicate trauma or a defect, nor is it something that requires fixing.

I would need to get to the bottom of it

Oof. Forgive me, but that sounds very intrusive and overbearing. What's to "get to the bottom of"? He has been straight forward about his lack of desire from the start and hasn't misled the OP. She is in the process of deciding if she can accept her partner as he is, rather than wanting to poke and pry and assume there is something wrong with him.

We fancy each other...

What does that actually mean if there's nothing sexual going on between you as a couple? (Genuine question.)

I could not have done it when younger
I am now mid 50s and in a relationship with no sex - I’ve become accustomed to it but am not ecstatic about it either
There is still plenty of physical affection though, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, spooning in bed - without that I would be looking elsewhere

Quite a few of my family members have autism ,and this is a common theme ,

Could it be a medical problem? Personally I would find this very hard to live with and it sounds like you’re the one giving up what you want in this situation, could you say to him this isn’t going to work for you long term unless you could come to an agreement? He must go to the doctors and speak to someone and see is there is a background medical problem that could be sorted with viagra/talking therapy/something more causing this as an effect? Would you be willing to discuss having an open relationship where you can out source sex say twice a week with someone he has met and approved and could be friends with the two of you but that’s all you get from this other guy and you only have feelings for and love your partner? Sounds so extreme but for me it would be consider that or I’m leaving

Not saying everyone with autism ,obviously
I’m just saying I’ve noticed in my family members through discussion they aren’t fussed in this area

He could be asexual. He could have low testerone. If he was my partner I'd like him medically checked as low testerone can have medical implications on his health. Otherwise you accept things as they are.