Ever regret settling for a sexless marriage

[regretsivehad]

And what was the outcome.
Nc'd for this as I don't want to be linked to previous threads.
I knew he was not into or any sexual intimacy really. He was honest from the get go. He didn't explain why and was not willing to explore reasons.he was comfortable with his lack of interest.
I did try to see if I could turn him on but when it did happen it was rare and fast and didn't satisfy me.sex just isn't for him and I don't know why. I didn't think it was me.

He was intimate in different ways with cuddles and personal touch and warm embrace and kissing. He didn't seem to enjoy my ' bits'. He didn't engage down there.
I accepted him and our lack of sex as I loved him and we had an incredible relationship otherwise.
It is frustrating and I am here to ask if any of you lovely min posters have gone through this and what was the outcome. Did your love for one another conquer that lack in your relationship?

Christmaspug

That's interesting because I'm autistic. I've never linked the two things!

Would he if not fussed be okay with you getting it elsewhere. You have your partner/husband who you have your life with and then you have a fwb long term lover type person for sex.

Obviously all parties would need to be aware and okay with the situation.

@UnaCorda

Wow, blunt.

Okay, it means that I still look at him and think "phwoar". I think he's gorgeous, I love being close to him and there is still a spark of attraction between us. I am romantically attracted to him, I feel lucky to be married to him and I don't just want to be his friend.

The fact you have posted about it makes me think you want to leave but feel bad as he isn't a bad person.

If both parties are happy this way, fine, but you are plenty young enough to meet someone else and enjoy a fulfilling sex life if that's important to you in a relationship.

I would let him go

It's not sustainable long term with no affection, no intimacy, it wears you down and makes you feel unattractive

Eventually you want someone to want you and you look elsewhere

Wow, blunt.

Sorry - didn't know how else to put it!

Okay, it means that I still look at him and think "phwoar". I think he's gorgeous, I love being close to him and there is still a spark of attraction between us. I am romantically attracted to him, I feel lucky to be married to him and I don't just want to be his friend.

Thank you. Although I must admit I can't really understand how you can have these feelings without them (the feelings) creating a desire to be sexually intimate. I can think people are aesthetically appealing and not fancy them, but, to me, "fancy" implies sexual attraction and lust.

I wouldn't be able to do it. I'm not denying couples can still be close without sex (I only know 1 couple who are open about this and they still are very much loved up and you can see the love between them) but I think both partners have to be like that. When one settles it causes too much resentment, or trying to convince themselves sex isn't everything etc.

I knew my last relationship was over when I didnt want sex with him anymore. Without that we were just very close friends, which isn't what I wanted in a partner. Plus the obvious for me is sex feels nice. I just couldnt imagine looking at my DP thinking how sexy he looks, getting those tingles, then just having a cuddle.

You can't salvage what you never had.

This isn't a relationship which has gone stale...you are fundamentally incompatible.

You are still young...I presume you have no children as you haven't mentioned any. Run while you can before you are trapped with him.

I couldn't do it - I enjoy having sex. I like that it is something me and DH share together.

Having said that, it (obviously as there are examples from PP) works for some couples. I think you both have to be happy and content with that is how your relationship is. If either partner isn't then it won't work

FineWordsForaPorcupine I take your point and obviously realise that not all young men are raging bulls .However OP has said to us that she loves her DP and misses the sex ,that they otherwise have a wonderful relationship. Therefore I was just wondering if there was anything underlying that may be stopping him enjoying sex .As OP has said to us she is less than happy with the situation ,and doesnt know whether she can accept it in the long term.It seems a pity to possibly leave an otherwise good marriage ,if some therapy may be of use .Clearly if she too were happy with the situation there would be no problem but she obviously is not!

But @dottiedodah, the man in this instance is happy with his sex drive, says it has always been this way, and had no desire to be different . Why are you suggesting that, since the OP isn't happy, he should be the one to change?

I notice you aren't suggesting that she goes to the doctor and asks for something to reduce her sex drive. Or visit a therapist to see if there is "something underlying" her desire for sex.

No, you assume that her sex drive is normal, and that his lack of one is a problem he needs to fix. When in fact, they are both totally normal - what OP is trying to decide is if she wants to live in a sexless relationship, not of there's some way to "fix" him.

Maybe he has low testosterone levels I think this can be addressed

For some, like my husband and I it is possible, for some it's not. My view, ans thankfully my husbands is, if sex stopped for what ever reason and it didn't come back, there should be still plenty of strength to the relationship and love there to survive. Especially after a long marriage. We would both find it odd to leave so we could have sex but the depth of the other stuff wasn't there, if the sex stopped then what you be left with? Nowt.

At least we and may be others in the same boat still have an otherwise strong relationship we don't want to loose at any cost.

However this won't happen for everyone.

What i do find odd though is you knew this from the start, he is happy being sexless and no amount of trying will change it unfortunately. He seems happy and contented with you as it is, if you can't keep it up then yes you may become resentful and that wouldn't be fair on either of you.

I couldn't live with a relationship that was like this, I really couldn't I'm afraid. Anyone who comes from the "I'd rather have a cup of tea" school of thought, that's fine for you, but it wouldn't work for me.

Been in almost completely sexless marriage for over 30 years. I have 3 dc (miracle!) and stayed for their sake and now stay for the financial security. DH is a good decent man and certainly loves me but has zero interest in sex. At times in my life this has made me very sad not to be admired and wanted. I wish we had had that closeness and sharing which strengthens the marriage bond. As it is, if I ever had the chance even now to find this with someone else, it would be very hard to resist. It is easier to put your own needs aside to keep the status quo but resentment does build and openness to temptation very real.

I am in a sexless marriage. My DH got ill, and had major surgery aged 33 and sex is basically too painful for him.

He still tries but it hurts him, is not satisfying for either of us and I wish he wouldn't.

I am staying with him because ultimately I love him, he is my best friend, he works hard for us and our security. I could lose him still, if he gets ill again.

There are long periods of frustration for me. Some days I resent him/out life (he does not deserve that and I know it).

It is hard. I try and remain objective, remind myself that actually we have a great life. I still fancy him. I enjoy being with him. But there are those days when I just want a good hard shag. I considered paying for it once, or an affair but I couldn't do either.

So yes, I live that life. I don't pretend to myself that it will get better, or that I am 100% happy. I acknowledge my frustration and live with it. Not easy.

"As it is, if I ever had the chance even now to find this with someone else, it would be very hard to resist".

That chance is everywhere if you look for it. Credit to you for not looking for it so to speak in that you respect the sanctity of your marriage, but I'm just being real here, there are people who will think more akin to your way of being.

It's all about what you consider important.

I've got to say mind that I'm not interested in sex and don't need it to feel admired or wanted. I'm very detached from it.

For me I need more than sex and intimacy to feel wanted, loved and desired. For me i can't put my finger on what it is but the physical act is just that for mean that's why I can live without it.

It is hard to explain why those of us can live without it feel the difference between relationships and friendship when sex doesn't happen. But it can if your both on the same page.

FineWordsForAPorcupine I see what you are saying .but in a society there is an expectation of sex between married couples. Otherwise our human race would die out!Perhaps this is "normal" for him ,but the question OP raised was the fact she would like sex (and maybe children too we dont know).She was asking whether we should advise her to stay in a sexless marriage to a 32 year old man! This would be seen as unusual at best and a bit of a red flag at worst .If her DH is happy about this good for him! If not maybe he would benefit from some counselling .To repeat my earlier answer seems sad for her to leave someone she loves without a chance to see if things can be helped in some way .Most sexual counsellors would feel that her sex drive is fairly normal for a young woman ,and I think would need to discuss with them both the implications long term for this kind of relationship .

I’m wondering what his testosterone level is like, would he be willing to see his G.P. ?
I couldn’t be in a sexless relationship. My late husband lost his libido due to medication, the last six years of his life he had no sex drive at all, I hated it. I think the intimacy is so special, essential.

Sex basically disappeared from our marriage- maybe once every couple of months. I became very depressed, my DH has a lower sex drive than me (mine is v high). I stayed for our DS. Eventually it got to the point where I laid my cards on the table, I was not prepared to stay if sex wasn’t happening, I set out it was actually one of the most important things in a relationship for me. We worked together to try and sort out the issue. If it ever goes back to how it was before I will leave. I felt shit about myself, resentful about DH, detached from him emotionally. Life is for living. If the relationship isn’t fundamentally fulfilling your needs it’s not worth it.

I've been with someone like this for 15 years. Sex was fantastic at first but then it tailed off pretty rapidly. Tbh I think he found me a bit overpowering sexually
He decided in the end that he didn't want to do it anymore, despite my pleas. So for the last 13 years we haven't had sex at all
We have the occasional hug and kiss hello and goodbye, but tbh I feel nothing for him now and he's like a brother or something. He does make some very romantic gestures, buying me expensive presents at Christmas and I had a valentines card saying how much he loved me .
To be perfectly honest, if I met someone who could give me a proper romantic relationship I'd be off like a shot. I met a man recently who fits the bill and I'm biding my time

Have you discussed with your husband whether you can take a lover? He’s denying you something that you feel is important and there needs to be compromise if you want to stay together

Don’t settle for this OP! I’m older than you and 15 years into a pretty pointless marriage. I honestly don’t know why I’ve put up with being in a sexless marriage. If I could turn back time, I would. And I know that would mean not having my beautiful DC.

Our sex life was fabulous for about 5 years, then it dwindled and it became me initiating always and him mostly turning me down. That was really hurtful to be honest. We were then down to a couple of times a month for about 5 years. By some miracle I got pregnant 3 times (twice on first time trying and then one surprise when we had sex once in 18 months!!).

Our DC are wonderful. If it weren’t for them, I would have wandered away by now.

I used to feel very attractive. Now I feel invisible to my DH. He is like a brother. A very irritating brother. The idea of having sex with him now makes me feel a bit ick. It would be weird and inappropriate. We’ve crossed over a barrier of platonic relationship. Bizarrely he still likes a cuddle and peck on the lips every day, he buys me lovely thoughtful gifts and writes romantic messages in birthday/Valentines cards etc. I really couldn’t care less about these things.

Don’t be like me. Please listen to yourself (and all the advice on here) and move on.

I recently asked my DH if he watched porn (he avoided answering) and then I asked him if he is gay (he got offended by that). So in summary, I give up on finding out why he’s like this. It isn’t healthy and it isn’t fair.

We’re fortunate enough that we can buy a weekend home shortly. And my (secret) plan is to live mostly there alone when I retire in 15 years or so. DH can stay in our main house full-time and I’ll come back to stay for Easter and Christmas etc, basically when our DC visit us. Hopefully I’ll have a handsome younger gardener to peek my interest then lol. I live in hope that one day I’ll feel attractive and vibrant and desired again.