Chatting to H this morning about our separation (currently still living under the same roof,) about how he still loves me, doesn’t want to get a divorce, etc. I still love him too, but have reached a point of no return.
He says the issues in our marriage are things we could “get over” if I wanted to. I am turning to mn for perspective. Writing it down, is also an attempt to show myself that I am making the right choice, and should not doubt myself. Some of the things I have tried so hard to “get over” over our 26 year relationship, are as follows:
Being mean, unreasonable and aggressive to our eldest DD
Telling me he was leaving me whilst I was mid contractions, having our first child (24 years ago)
Grabbing me twice around the neck (approx 15 years ago)
Grabbing me aggressively by my arm (approx 15 years ago) and by both my wrists, refusing to let me go (a couple of weeks ago)
Backing me into a corner, shouting and swearing in my face, whilst heavily pregnant (approx 15 years ago)
Forging bank statements when I’ve asked for evidence of the balances of the joint account & one of his personal accounts, when he repeatedly told me they were massively overdrawn, and I suspected they weren’t
Repeatedly refusing to put my name on any mortgages, or deeds of properties that have been our family home - twice when we had DCs but weren’t married, and most recently (6 years ago) when we were married and had 4 DCs living in the family home
Making me sleep on the floor, next to our bed, rather than him sleeping on the sofa/in DS’s bed. DS was 4, in chronic pain and wanted me to hold his hand as he slept. I was about 8 months pregnant, and all 3 of us couldn’t have comfortably have fitted in the bed together (about 10 years ago)
Verbal abuse...ongoing throughout our relationship
Spraying bleach directly into my face when I was heavily pregnant, because I asked him to wait till I’d finished eating before cleaning the table (10 years ago)
There are many other things that have happened, not to mention me being accused of arguing every time I happen to have a different opinion than him; never sorting the children in the night when they woke through illness or nightmares; never actively letting me have a lie in at the weekend, even when the DCs were tiny and I’d been up all night; never prioritising weekends as family time and never wanting to do normal family stuff, like go for walks or go on days out - always too busy/too tired, on the odd occasion he agreed, it was tense and clearly not what he wanted to be doing; a general undertone of selfishness, uprightness and impatience/ intolerance at home, which I’m ashamed to acknowledge, has filtered down to us as a family.
I was a SAHM until youngest DC was at nursery, & then worked PT around the DCs. This has enabled to call all the shots financially, and I think gave him a sense of being superior, contributing more to the marriage than I ever have.
I’m probably BU to seek reassurance on this, but it’s helped massively to list even just a fraction of the “issues” that I’m being told I should be able to get over in order to save our marriage.
There’s so much more, especially recently, but it would 100% out me.