For expecting husband to get up with baby

[Pondlife87]

My husband is a teacher and on half term. When he's off we take it in turns getting up early when our baby wakes and thr other one lies in.
This morning is his lie in. I however was up half the night throwing up and on the toilet as i have a stomach bug.
Baby woke up this morning and it was very much expected i should get up with her. I've been sick and had diarrhoea again since getting up.
AIBU to think this is unfair and he should get up with her and help me out if I am ill. I have and would do that for him. There would be no question in my mind.

You need to put your baby first here. I’m assuming to want to avoid the baby becoming ill so unless your breast feeding then DH needs to be doing the feeds. To be a good Mum you need to be well so go and wake DH and say I’m ill you need to look after baby.

Honestly don’t think you can complain if you don’t bother to actually talk to him.

I didn't realise you hadn't said anything to him. If you've not articulated your needs and are now punishing him for not knowing them, than you are being unreasonable. Well, you are being romantic, in the formulation of Alain de Botton, idea 2 - the end to loneliness:

I was wondering why 3% of votes said YABU, until I read the rest of the posts. You’re being a martyr. Go back to bed and tell him to get up!

Since you haven't woken him now I would let him sle and then head back to bed for as long as you need.

Wake him now and say you're still ill so he'll have to take over.

Wake him up, hand him the baby and tell him you’re unwell and going back to bed.

As I say to my children, if you want or need something use your words. Don’t whine, hint or ignore/use silent treatment. Use. Your. Words.
Tell him ‘I have a stomach bug, I’ve been up shitting/vomiting all night, you’ll need to get up with baby today so I can rest.’ Communication is key, he is not psychic.

YABU if you want help ask for it. If you choose to martyr yourself don't then complain about it.

I asked him to get up and in a stupor he did.
I know maybe i was passive aggressive but i just feel bad as he was up to 2am working.
In addition i really don't understand why people think you have to teach men in such a way. They're perfectly capable of being kind and thoughtful if they choose to be. They shouldn't have to be told. My annoyance was that he knew i was ill and should have offered. I shouldn't have had to ask. If it was the other way around he wouldn't have to ask. People are telling me I'm an adult, but so is he and shouldn't he take responsibility without being told to do so by his Mummy/ wife. But that's just my opinion.

Just because you think he heard you throwing up in the night doesn’t mean he actually did, or that he was awake enough to process that or that he even remembers now it’s morning and doesn’t think it was a dream!

Just tell him!

Stop victim blaming and calling OP a martyr when it’s her OH who is being the twat. Can’t believe what I’m reading. It’s not like Op had been ok all night and got up and felt iffy and expected her DH to know how she was feeling. Her husband KNOWS she was up all night ill and the only thing he has said is “good morning” when she got up cos the baby woke up? What kind of selfish idiot hears a person up through the night and doesn’t even ask how she’s feeling?

When mine were little, DH would have jumped up, told me to stay in bed, brought me whatever I needed and asked me how I was feeling etc.

You’ve all got a pretty low bar if you jump on OP and call her a martyr because she didn’t state the obvious. Jesus.

OP, this is not a nice man. I don’t buy the “men just don’t realise these things sometimes and need them spelling out” like that is sometimes trotted out. An unsympathetic person who thinks they can get away with stuff is not nice, man OR woman.

Sounds like you could do with some counselling or something. It really isn’t a healthy dynamic to prioritise your DH’s comfort over your own, unless he also does the same. It’s old fashioned at best and pretty damned fucked up at worst. He will walk all over you if you carry on and you will have a miserable life.

Why is he staying up till 2am working when it’s half term?

Just say to him "look John you need to help me out here"! Also what happens when he gets it ,or babe does and its his turn ? What will he do then ? Its his child too FFS!

Most people's marital issues could be solved by simple communication.

"DH I've been up most of the night with an upset stomach, I need to go back to sleep. Can you get up with DC please?"

I think you are doing that thing of DH is at work till 2 am so he needs his rest, Maybe so but so do you .Put yourself first now and again !

He definitely did know i was ill as he was downstairs working and i asked him to bring me a sick bowl. He then heard me get up later and asked if i was ok and i said 'no I've been sick again'. Then proceeded to dry heave in bed next to him whilst he rubbed my back. So if he's forgotten all that I'm referring him to the memory clinic for early onset dementia.
I didn't necessarily expect people to agree with me, but a lot of you are just attacking and saying things is a really rude way.
Thank you @CurlyhairedAssassin. I also don't buy that men don't realise these things. If it was the other way around he would ask it of me. I feel I'm maybe painting him to be worse than he is though. Our relationship is much more fair in other areas, it's just sleep he is selfish with. Always has been. At our wedding his brother said during his speech that he is good at everything 'except getting out of bed'.

@CurlyhairedAssassin he's a teacher but self employed. He has to maintain or replicate his kit that he uses to take to schools when they hire him. So he is often working until late in the holidays.

OP, your first child?
He sounds selfish.
Start calling it out and telling him to buck up or sort out your contraception.

A man who is selfish on the first child can become an even more selfish twat on the second.

Good men are considerate.
It really is that simple.
They try and do the right thing, pull their weight.
Selfish men always try and avoid stepping up.

Stop facilitating him being selfish.
The only loser will be you.

Your choice.
Be passive and you will pay.

Oh op you poor thing. I totally get the not saying anything for a while- it’s incredulity that they can’t come to the right conclusions themselves. I too have a partner who can sometimes struggle with these basics. Speak up. Be direct but not angry. When you are well again have a really direct conversation about how much this hurts your feelings. Demand change. It won’t be overnight but that ‘chat’ paves the way for a simple look resulting in adtion!

Yes it would be better if he’d realised for himself. But life is compromise and from your messages I sense this is his ‘thing’ so just address that. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

"victim blaming" is not appropriate here. OP isn't a victim. She has a stomach bug and got up this morning. She expected her husband to realise she wasn't able to get up. She is not a victim.

OP, you say men shouldn't have to be taught this stuff, and you're probably right. But I think women do need to be tsught that they don't have to people please all the time. You have said you always put his comfort ahead of your own. Why? And does he know that you are uncomfortable in favour of him, or do you pretend you're fine with everything? Because if you're happily doing everything, how is he to know you're not actually happy. Or are you generally happy but just today you're not?

You need to communicate better with your husband. It would be lovely if our loved ones instinctively knew how we were feeling. Often times they don't. Talk to your husband. And stop putting him ahead of yourself. It's fine occasionally. Consistently, however, leads to this.

YANBU at all. Harsh and selfish of him to still expect his lie-in when you’re very sick.

On my first baby my husband and I shared the load pretty much 50/50. Until I started doing a bit more because I didn't mind. I would do an extea nappy change (I was "better" at it anyway ). I would comfort the baby if he was cranky (because I was "better" at that too). I'd put him in the car seat, into the car (because, yes you guessed it, I did that "better" too).

I basically cut my husband out because 1 - I didn't mind doing it. And 2 - I did it all better than him.

I didn't mind going it, until I did mind. And I realised I was doing 90% of it all. The default was me doing something unless I asked him to do it, because I made it that way.

By the time we had our 3rd baby and I was doing 90% of work with all 3 I resented my husband.... But it was my own doing. I stepped in where he was perfectly capable. I took over. I did things because I didn't mind. And my husband let me because heknew I actually enjoyed it. But then it wasn't fun anymore. But he didn't know that until I told him. (in a rage of snot and tears!). Once I admitted it was too much he immediately stepped up again. And is now going more than I do!

I completely blamed him for being useless. The reality was I took over and almost didn't allow him to do most things. The position I found myself in was 100% my own doing. Now I speak up. I don't people please as much.

You need to speak up, OP. He's not to know. And if waking and getting out of bed has always been an issue, then it is likely to always beam issue.

He got up when you asked.

I was quite poorly (cellulitis) when our daughter was just a few months old. My husband (who also works long hours) got up during the night to bring her to me to breastfeed (bottle refuser!) then got up and looked after us both in the morning and took a couple of days emergency annual leave to do so. When he was in an RTA a few years later I made all the arrangements for our daughter, took emergency annual leave and looked after both of them.
In your case he should look after your daughter if it's only for infection control purposes rather than concern and care for you!

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre
👍
I was lucky 20 years ago to have been warned not to take over and allow my husband to learn to take care of our first child, make his mistakes and do his share.

Very, very wise words which I'm delighted I followed.

I don't think people mean to be attacking you. They mean to help you. You can't win your marriage, you see. If you try to win it you will only lose it.

It's something worth knowing.