DH/DSS & 'big birthday' holiday

[Shelovedtobehome]

Been step mum very long time to a young teen. Relationship is pretty good, standard step relationship I would say. But his mum can be obstructive, controls access pattern and has never allowed DSS on holiday with us abroad/long haul. Local yes but never more than a week.
I have to fly long haul for a wedding in winter, we had planned on the three of us going. (Never discussed with DSS) But price is ridiculous. $10k just on flights for a break that won't be a holiday.
So DH and I have decided I'll just go.
I would like to go away for my 'big birthday' in spring - just me and DH. (Thailand/Bali) Unfortunately we have been unable to have DC. But still holding out hope. But due to this I'd like it to be a trip for me and DH, still suffered the fall out from failed IVF etc
DH wants to bring DSS, because he is missing out on 'the big trip'
My suggestion is DH takes DSS for a cheap/cheerful boys holiday while I'm away. Then him and I go in spring?
AIBU?

Yanbu, it would be great if DS could go somewhere either when you’re away or another time.

You seem to be sending mixed messages here to be honest... You say you've never been able to take dss away abroad because his mother won't allow it, but then you say you'd wanted to take him to the wedding but can't afford it, again implying you would like to take him abroad, and then say you don't want to take him on your big trip...

Although I understand you saying you would like a holiday for you to recover from IVF, your dss is your husband's child and I can see why he would want him to be there (I assume his mother would allow this one?!).

Would you consider leaving your own child behind if the situation was reversed?

Personally I would, but we've done a lot of trips with our kids (and some from before we had kids) and the ones with kids are out best memories. Doesn't mean it would be the same for everyone, but as an older child (rather than a toddler which can be stressful) you can still have an amazing time as a family.

To be honest I think DSS would enjoy a boys trip better 1/1 time with dad. Rather than a holiday of beaches and dinners out.
Feel like we are setting ourselves up for a not overly restful time .....

I agree it’s mixed messages. Do you really want to take him on any holiday? You only seem to want to take him on holidays he can’t go on.

You're contradicting yourself. You moan about his mum not allowing him abroad with you then you say you don't want him to go abroad with you

Ok I'll rephrase that, we can afford it. But don't think it's the best use of $10k
Lots of traipsing about seeing family. No fun for anyone let alone a teen.

Feel like we are setting ourselves up for a not overly restful time That's life with stepchildren. Holidays are different.

To be honest I think DSS would enjoy a boys trip better 1/1 time with dad. Rather than a holiday of beaches and dinners out. Ask him?

It seems like the mother is a convenient person to blame when you simply don't want to take him.

There has been plenty of holidays we wanted him on only to be stopped at the last minute, he's been on several hols just not to longer hall destinations.
But this one, just one I feel is different.
It's a big milestone, plus it's some downtime to relax after a period of great loss.
We rarely exclude DSS. But I'd like this to be an 'adults only break'

If you can afford it the 1:1 with his dad is fine, but let them pick something together they would both enjoy.

I think it's your comment about it having being cheap next to your two big expensive trips which is getting you some negative comments. If his dad hasn't been able to take him away before I'd be making it a decent trip he won't forget.

Meaning 'cheap' as in not $6k's worth .....

I think it would be lovely for him to go on a holiday with just his dad, although it does sound a bit like you just don't want to spend the money on DSS. I agree that it would be a waste of money taking him to a wedding he probably won't care about but it's the "cheap/cheerful" comment that doesn't sound great, compared to your multiple long haul holidays. I'd definitely pick up on that as a teenager (though I've been a cynical bitch since birth).

My husband took our eldest to Italy. Flying into Venice, travelling to Rome and Pompeii , moving onto and flying back from Pisa. It cost in the hundreds (not thousands) for everything including spending money. They went in Feb a couple of years ago so would be a little dearer later in the year in better weather. Something like that sounds more fun for a teenager than either a wedding or relaxing with adults on a beach.

Should add to take DSS away for my birthday would mean time out of school.
If he did a boys trip it would be durning winter holidays!

Of course it's ok for just you and DH to have a holiday together. What you have planned would be absolute boredom for a teen.

They could go skiing, off to Queenstown for an adventure holiday. Up north to spot crocs. Rainforest/reef holiday.
All of those things are far more exciting than a beach holiday in Asia!

YANBU to want an adults only trip, but DH is also not being unreasonable to want to bring DSS. It's not a question of one of you being 'right' and one of you being 'wrong' - just a different opinion. I guess you feel you should have the final decision because it's your birthday trip? It's a holiday for both of you though....

Have another chat with DH.

I’d not want to take a big holiday without my child (unless they were adult age) so can see why your DH doesn’t want to exclude him.

He’s been included in so few of your holidays so why would you want to exclude him from this one? Why does he only get the cheap and cheerful trip? Think about the message that sends to him and as a teen he will know that.

I’d be rethinking my relationship if a partner thought my child only deserved cheap and cheerful. If this was the other way round, I’d imagine it would be very different.

Will he be old enough to go without his mother's consent anyway? I can't see how, having withdrawn permission so many times before, that she'd suddenly say 'oh yes, he can go with you to celebrate your Big Birthday'.

Will his mother even let him go if she doesn’t normally? Why does your DH think this time would be any different?

I think it’s perfectly fine for the two of you to go together, and a nice idea for them to have a boys trip together first. You still need time together as a couple, and it sounds like you’ve been through a lot recently and need some time to focus on your relationship.

I'm not sure his mother will allow it. But what she will allow is for us to plan a holiday with DSS (13) for him/them to pull out at the last minute leaving DH looking like the bad guy going away without DSS. Roll on weeks of drama.
So I'm thinking just fly under the radar for 7-10 days without him knowing.

10K on flights!!! Is this wedding on the moon?

Yeah I agree with you, seems cruel to get his hopes up anyway only for it to be taken away at the last minute, does your husband not see this pattern?!

Sounds like OP is in NZ or Australia

How is his ex able to stop the child going? And why, after so long, has your DH not done something to prevent it from happening?

Is it possible to take her back to court with evidence of cancelled holidays and get a court order to take him on holiday with you?