Is this gaslighting?

[beeblabs]

Hi there,

I've recently gotten married, but we're already arguing about money, etc. I'm pretty much a SAHM during the week but I work 16 hours on weekends and I'm in college once a week doing training. I get around £730 a month and my husband is on around £1300. We split all the bills in half - rent, council tax, etc. I do most the food shopping and he'll get bits and pieces.

We live in a rural area and I've recently passed my driving test. I also quit my contract at work to become relief staff - so I can pick up shifts during the week, rather than work EVERY weekend (consequently not seeing most my friends who work mon-fri!). When I told my hubby that I wanted to stop working weekends and had moved onto a zero-hour contract, and that I wanted to find a car so I have more freedom during the week, he basically told me that I've put him in financial trouble (by "quitting" work) and that I don't have the money to run a car. I've done a budget and I do have just about enough (but I would find more care work if I had my own transport). He basically told me, "get a car then, but I don't want it affecting me financially", and (a few weeks prior) "you need protecting from yourself, look at the state you've gotten yourself into" (this was after I'd had an argument with my mum and we were about to go to a local car dealers - which I'd begged him to take me to). He also gave me crap for taking out a £1200 loan - said I was too "impulsive" and this is why I shouldn't buy a car on my own.

Prior to having our son, I took home more money than him. I worked days AND nights and saved a few thousand. I've lent him money for courses, I paid for most of our wedding, I bought most our furniture, and still managed to save enough to pay for my college course on top of everything. He had a lot of financial ties and outgoings, which is why I didn't mind paying for a lot of stuff. Now my savings have run out and I'm on less, he's made it clear that he won't contribute more towards rent or council tax, etc. He doesn't want to put me on his insurance (although I've offered to pay the extra). He told me that if I buy a car, he doesn't want it to affect me buying food or gas, etc (of which I pay the majority anyway!).

Taking out this loan was really unlike me. I pay off my credit card each month and I rarely go into my overdraft (unlike DH, who lives in his!). In other words, I'm not that "impulsive". I also don't think I'm being unreasonable for wanting my own car, and not wanting to work every weekend... but he's told me that he feels like "I want it all" whereas he has to go to work 5 days a week. (I should mention, he's also spent hundreds on 'business ideas' which never materialised!)

I cook, I clean, I look after our son. I can't remember the last time he did the dishes or put a load in the washing machine. I come home from work on weekends and have to do everything. I receive universal credit and he basically joked that I get money for "sitting on my arse" yet he's also criticised me for having too 'high standards' re the housework.

I've been stewing on everything a lot and now I'm f^ing furious. I tried talking to him about it tonight and he basically made me feel as though I'm being unreasonable, but I held my ground. I told him I needed space and later this evening, he came down and said he's here for me no matter what and he'll give me the space to find my wings. Confused is an understatement. I have no idea what to think anymore. When he said that to me, I felt like such a pr*! I'm sat here in tears doubting my own sanity! I really don't know what to do now!

Some advice would be appreciated!

@snowyracoon I can put him in nursery and will get reimbursed up to 80% of childcare fees from UC. I already discussed it with them :)

You dont seem to have ever sat down and had a discussion about money, drawn up a budget or plan?

He is not gas lighting you. Is he managing all the day to day finances? Do you know cost of all the Bill's and outgoings.

Theres no way I would quit a job or take a loan without discussing it with partner.

It all sounds a bit immature and childish

@commonwasher I thought the same :(

Can you back a bit, before this quitting of your job, and explain why you had agreed to pay half of the bills, from 2/3 of his salary, when he’s got £70 a month spare for a fucking iPhone?!!!

It’s not gaslighting at all, google or a description of that. I don’t know why you think it is.

I’d be really pissed off that you’d quit and taken out a loan without telling me.

But all that pales compared to this 50/50 bill split!

@Waveysnail I know my finances and I know I pay half for rent, council tax and water. I also know how much food I buy (ntm gas & electricity). I don't know the details of his outgoings.

If I was working full time and my partner decided to quit his job, take out a loan, buy a car and become bank staff, I would be v pissed off.

I've explained how fed up I am of asking him for lifts everywhere. I wanted to take our son to A&E a few weeks ago because he was screaming non stop and refused to eat/drink anything (ended up being tonsillitis). DH argued it was teething so I had no way of taking him (he did cave eventually). I also want to visit my friend who lives a 2 hour drive away, but I have to rely on DH to take me. I did try to explain that a car would give me a bit more freedom, but he dismissed it and implied I was impulsive and shouldn't make that decision on my own. I got upset (as this is the first loan I've EVER taken out) and he implied I need 'protecting' because I was a mess. Maybe so, but it's only because I feel used and like I have no control anymore. Maybe 'gaslighting' is a bit dramatic, but I feel like he's tried to make me out to be the bad guy when in reality, I've lent him a lot of money!

@beeblabs I wouldn't go so far as to say he's gaslighting you but he certainly seems to be playing head games so he's not far off being in the gaslighting camp from the sounds of things he's a massive twat! You're doing all the housework, you've made the most financial contributions, you're working, looking after DC and doing a college course. Is he contributing to anything to the relationship and household other than his half of the bills? He's refusing to let you on his insurance, then trying to stop you getting your own car and devalues all you do with the UC comment "you get money for sitting on your arse". He was happy enough to take from you financially when you were earning more than him and he was happy enough for you to pay for most of the wedding but now he's earning more he's not willing to return the favour. I'd seriously be rethinking staying married to this selfish twat if he's like this now what's he going to be like further down the line in about 5 or 10 years?

Gaslighting is like mind games. So you see them kiss someone else and they deny it ('you're crazy/seeing things/overreacting to have a problem with it ' ect...). Its a very specific form of abuse.

But telling you he has to "save you from yourself" and some if the other things you mention....sorry but it doesn't sound good.

You should read about the "sunken cost fallacy".

I dont think he's the sort of person you should tether yourself to for life. Cut your losses and go. If you suspect someone is abusing you only a year into marriage, it is only going to get worse with time.

Just caught your last paragraph. Making you feel unreasonable for asking him to do his fair share, is sorta gaslighting yes. Because it isn't a crazy thing to ask for. So if he stares at you blankly like he just doesn't get it or he flat out tells you you are not being fair...then yeah, that's technuvally gaslighting. Assuming you are asking for something perfectly fair.

He's absolutely worthless, "find your wings" and fucking fly away tbh.

You need to get yourself a proper full contract so that you pay into a pension.
Your partner is not gaslighting you... he’s trying to exert some control .
I would be very wary here... and just buy your own car.
Your partner should not be dictating to you.

I am not sure he us even trying to assert some control. Or at least not in an abusive way.

His wife has ditched her contracted hours, after taking a loan out, gone onto a zero hour contract and wants to increase expenses.

UC can be a nightmare for people on zero hour contracts. Plus the fact that paid childcare for zero hours people is a nighmare too. Adhoc paid childcare is near impossible to find. He obviously doesnt earn loads, himself, since they still qualify for UC.

Op I think you both feel out of control. You because ofbthe days your worked, not having a car and not feeling independent. Him because theres not loads if money and you have made financial decisions with consulting him. You said yourself you told him what you wanted to do, when you had already taken the zero contract.

You need to talk. Possibly counselling. Neither of you are happy.

Unless your income is the same as his, you shouldnt be paying half. Unless this is something you wanted to do.

My dp pays half the Bill's and a small portion of the mortgage, labelled as rent when he transfers it. We arent married and it's my property. We have no intention of having kids, getting married or joining finances or assets. It's set up this way (and we have legal papers signed) so he cant ever claim interest in the property. Dp does earn less than me and I wanted to split the bills proportionately to our incomes. He didnt and wanted to make, what he feels is, a good contribution. I pay slightly more as I pay, most of the (small mortgage), so it suits us both.

But you and he are married. Have kids, and you reduced your pension contributions and financial independence to care for the child.

If both if you want this marriage to work, you need to work in team work. Both of you. It's not acceptable for him not to have done any housework in the days he has the child

I do agree working during the week is better. It would enable you both to have downtime at the weekends and have time as a family. At the moment both of you are either at work or in sole care of the child. No time together, no family time. Not time to have a few hours to do something either of you want to do, outside family life.

Oh Op, I'm sorry but you've got a bad one there. He won't change, you need legal advice and an exit strategy. You'll never have a happy life with him.

This is not an equal partnership!!!!

I fully understand why you’ve changed jobs, my husband always has up to 70 hours a week bank which was better than his initial 20 a week contracted.
However, the point is that you do not have an equal partnership. He does not value you and what you do for his child. Don’t stay out of pride. Look up sunken cost fallacy.

I think you probably shouldn't have quit your contracted hours until after the loan was paid but otherwise I totally get where you are coming from. I've worked in care so know there is generally plenty of work available. I think he sounds like hard work and quite patronising. I always find it can be quite unfair when one partner works mon-fri, if you don't want to put your child to a childminder or nursery it means the other parent is left picking up work in between to suit the household.

I'm so surprised by some of these responses.

He's financially abusive and controlling.

He has spent your savings. Despite him earning 100% more than you, you split bills 50/50 and you buy all the food and you do all the housework.

From what you've said you got the loan so you could buy some independence for yourself rather than having to beg him for lifts and to enable you to work more hours and increase your wage.

I think that sounds sensible. Now the power balance is getting a little more even I would insist on sitting down with him to discuss a fairer split of the family income. Work out the cost paying someone for all the household chores and childcare you do if he complains you're only bringing in a part-time wage as that's the money you're saving him by doing that with your week when you're not working.

I would suggest you combine income, take out the family bills including food and childcare, and split what is left 50/50. As you say you should be able to pick up more shifts then I'd base it on your previous salary of £730 then review only in a couple of months to see if it needs tweaking based on your new take home wage (and his if he's due a wage). Also work out a payment plan for the repayment of savings that he's spent.

No wonder he's unhappy, his cash cow has said no more and is asking for the money. If you want to stay with him it's time to get on equal terms OP. You've got this.

hi OP,
I understand why you don't want to work weekends but I think you should have kept on the weekend contract until your work in the week was established (can you get it back?)

I think you are going to need a couple of hundred pounds more each month to run and maintain/insure a car as well as the 20% of childcare that you are expected to get back. Let's say you now need £1050 - is it realistic to earn that (care/bank staff/zero hours contract) after tax Mon-Fri when you have college one day?

I think you were a bit impulsive as the using nursery/universal credit set up is untried. If you could keep your weekends even for a month or two you will know by then that you can manage.

The way your finances work does sound unfair. You should work out a budget where you both have a similar amount of disposable income. However your total household income is quite tight so you could focus on upping your earnings to match his income (as your household coukd do with the extra money) and making him pay his share of food and childcare to even things up.

I wouldn't surprise me if by the time your child is in school full time you out earn him anyway. Just make sure he pays his share of all expenses - if you have already paid ask him to transfer half.

Something that stands out to me is that he sees himself as working 5 days a week and that you only work two.

What does he think you are doing as a sahm then? Is that not work in his eyes?

The ONLY way to run a relationship with children is to have a joint account, put all the money in, take out equal pocket money for your own clothes, entertainment etc. and everything else comes from the joint. Non routine expenses discussed.
It is not a partnership if you have to go cap in hand to a man because you are raising his children.

Just to add why not work nights? I do. Husband is home with kids overnight (my youngest is now 2 but I returned after maternity when he was about 8 months). When husband is not at work following my night he has the kids if he is at work following my night my FIL has youngest/helps with school run. You could use nursery to allow you to sleep. Your partner could get baby ready in the morning and drop them at nursery if it fits with his hours so you can just fall into bed. He can pick up from nursery if it fits his hours or if not you can. It can be hard going but as little one gets older they can stay off school if they are ill as you are home and you can sometimes make school plays/sportsdays etc more than being mon-fri. School might have a breakfast or after school club which can help. Our breakfast club is £4 from 7:30 am and after school £6 until 6pm.

If you are lucky on night you get a night time pay enhancements and longer hours. My take home salary from 3 night in care matches my husband's in three days of teaching (around £1300).

Don't think it's gaslighting, just utter bellend behaviour

Doesn’t sound like a partnership? He should be supporting you.

He doesn’t sound nice AT ALL. A partner should be kind, caring, understanding (not a push-over either).
Does he want to see you struggle!? Keep you trapped? Does he care about your happiness?

He sounds like a total arsehole!!!!