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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Teenage son driving me mad

76 replies

HowManyTimesDoI · 17/02/2020 21:11

So as my username says how many times do I have to repeat the same stuff before it sinks in and he gets it?

I don't think I'm asking much, I just want him when he takes his trousers off to have the legs both the same way so when I've washed them to hang up to dry I'm not having to always change one of the legs

I've asked and I've threatened but alas nothing changes. AIBU to ask this of a 14 yo and if not what threat should I use and carry out?

I've previously threatened to empty the contents of the kitchen bin on his bed.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/02/2020 11:01

I'm at a loss as to why someone would have a child in order to have someone to skivvy round after them.

Hahahaha

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 18/02/2020 11:38

Fidgety41, because in lots of households it makes sense to do 1 big family wash a day/few times a week rather than multiple individual smaller washes

formerbabe · 18/02/2020 12:48

I’m amazed you are doing washing for a 14 year old!

How can you be amazed by this? It's perfectly ordinary.

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2020 15:26

@Fidgety31

Because it's wasteful and uneconomic to do loads of little washloads

cheninblanc · 18/02/2020 15:31

My 13 does their own washing. If it is in the ironing bag I'll iron it but in whichever way it's there, inside out whatever. She can then put it the right way!

MissRainbowBrite · 18/02/2020 15:37

I've started doing as a lot of other posters do, if it goes in the wash basket inside out then that's how it gets washed, dried, ironed and returned. School trousers and shirts included.
No shouting or getting cross, I've asked many times and it's still the same so I figured this might work.

EntropyRising · 18/02/2020 19:03

I’m amazed you are doing washing for a 14 year old!

How can you be amazed by this? It's perfectly ordinary.

Indeed. I don't think I know any parents who have their 14 year olds doing laundry. Seems a bit much, to be honest.

And how would they cobble together a full load, much less a light or dark one? Totally wasteful.

Notso · 18/02/2020 19:29

Asked him to do stuff and nothing gets done.
What is the actual process though, you say "DS can you put the washing away"
He says "no"
How do you react?
Or is it more like "DS put a wash on I'm off to work" and then when you get home it's not done and he's out so it's not really dealt with.

I've never asked him to do much, as a kid I was expected to clean the whole house each weekend
What would have happened if you didn't?

My children don't really have regular chores above putting their stuff in the dishwasher, and their washing in the basket.
However if I ask them to do something then I expect them to do it and if they don't then there's usually consequences.
I'll often leave my teens instructions to do certain jobs and go out. Sometimes they forget but then I ask them to do it when I get back and they will. Doing it late might mean their clothes aren't dry in time or in DD's case she forgot despite two texts reminding her to put dinner in the slow cooker so she had to buy us a take away.

slipperywhensparticus · 18/02/2020 19:31

I hear you! I also hear a child going to the toilet and I have to call out FLUSH! LIGHT! SEAT! every dam time they are 11 and 7

belay · 18/02/2020 20:00

Our 13 year old had playstation removed in July. He plays Minecraft on his phone with friends and it's loud. His voice is breaking, he can't help it but omg it's loud and incredibly irritating, especially when shouting randomly. He used to sleep from 9pm to morning but has suddenly developed a superpower of never being tired

DoreenSamuel · 18/02/2020 20:02

I’d let it go - seriously I’d worry about things that actually matter

HomeEdRocks18 · 18/02/2020 23:19

Just do it yourself if its quicker and saves an argument

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2020 23:39

I’d be doing sod all for him. I see this is a straw breaking the camel’s back. Pp saying just do it yourself when he does nothing round house is frankly galling. Do you cook/wash/tidy for him? Stop, you’re not his slave and you don’t want him going on to be an entitled man child with future partners.

CorianderLord · 18/02/2020 23:59

Make him do his own laundry... it's only by realising that it causes annoyance when laundering that the significance sinks in.

Tbf I still don't do this at 24 and DP does my laundry Grin

Fidgety31 · 19/02/2020 00:02

Ok - I said I’m amazed because I have all my 3 boys do their own laundry since ages 10 ish !
But that’s because I’m a single parent who works full time so don’t have the time to be waiting on then hand and foot !
They are more than capable of working a washing machine at the age and the quick wash takes 20 minutes so is not uneconomical!

recycledbottle · 19/02/2020 00:15

Reading this thread it's no wonder so many people have useless DHs. Sure just do it yourself, what's the big deal, if this is your only problem you are lucky etc. It's this philosophy that creates men that refuse to do any work seeing it as women's work.

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/02/2020 00:23

So it isn't just a trouser leg! Sounds very frustrating OP. I think it's difficult to try and instigate chores and pulling your weight at this age. If you start young then it can often (not always!) just be an organic thing, but if you get to the teen years without managing to get that going I think you have to take a step back and think about what's going to be effective. You are talking, after all, about making major changes to your family dynamic.

If you want to get DC doing chores you need to start with them doing them with you. Getting them to do stuff off their own bat is much harder. And you have to remember it's going to be harder at first, with them "helping", than to do it on your own. Also, turning off the wiFi, or even all power, seems to be necessary in some households.

So next time you hang the washing, maybe get him to help with it. And his father too if he's in the picture. Then do something fun afterwards - something he likes, quality family time or, if that's never as successful as it ought to be, offer to make his favourite dinner/biscuits/whatever or just share a small chocolate bar. But something that he can look forward to while he's doing the chore with you.

Make it a fairly frequent occurrence. Make sure everyone in the household is involved, at least on a rotating basis. How hard would it be to get him to cook with you or DP in the evenings? Or clear the table and do the washing up/stack the dishwasher with one of you after you've eaten? Just add things in and get him competent, develop some routine and help him realise it's not the end of the world.

Or don't bother and remember it's just 4 more years. Which also works but isn't really setting him up for success so much.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/02/2020 00:32

I think you should change the locks. Better still, move away while he’s at school and change your name.

Nanny0gg · 19/02/2020 10:14

They are more than capable of working a washing machine at the age and the quick wash takes 20 minutes so is not uneconomical!

But how much is actually in the machine? Can't be anything like a full load

And to me, washing is the least onerous chore. Hanging, drying folding and ironing and putting away are the jobs I'd have them do.

Lordfrontpaw · 19/02/2020 10:18

Hang up your school uniform when you get in (don’t throw it on the floor)
Put your laundry in the basket
Check trouser pockets for hankies and sweet wrappers
Empty your bin
Don’t leave an open packet of bread on the counter top
Put the milk away
Don’t leave the power cables lying on the floor after you have used them

For the love of god please tidy your room and find the source of that smell!

It’s what (some) teenagers do.

Vulpine · 19/02/2020 10:19

Time for him to start doing his own laundry and for you to stop getting so irritated by such small stuff

katewhinesalot · 19/02/2020 10:21

Link doing things to pocket money and lifts.

SoupInTheLaundryBag · 19/02/2020 10:35

DS used to do the inside out thing with his shirts. He'd also leave them half buttoned.
I resolved this by returning them as I'd found them, washed and ironed but inside out and buttoned.
After a few mornings of him faffing about trying to undo the shirts he started to see it my way Grin

Pembsgirl · 19/02/2020 11:18

I often tell my daughter that it's her job as a parent to teach her kids how to be independent, thoughtful of others, and capable of looking after themselves when the time comes, but frequently hear 'it's just so much easier to do it myself'!! How are kids ever going to learn if we do everything for them?

I think the problem lays with the fact that right from when they're toddlers, kids are given everything on a plate these days. Little darlings only have to say 'I want', and they get! No need to work for it, or earn it, it's just given. I say this with hindsight, because I know I spoiled my own little darling, and didn't make her do enough when she was growing up, possibly one of the first generation to have more money than just enough to pay for essentials? So my advice to new parents would be, to go back to the ways of my parents generation, get kids to start doing the little chores from when they are 4, giving them a little pocket money each week, and then as they get older, more chores = more money. Then, make them contribute out of their own money towards the extras that they WANT rather than NEED, like their phones and wifi, that they enjoy so much. If they don't do the jobs, they don't get the money, if they don't have the money, they can't pay for their wifi! Maybe that would teach them that to get what you want in this life, you have to work for it.

My advice to OP, for what it's worth - make a list of the jobs he's expected to do, work out what you think they're worth, and pay him accordingly, (make sure that you give him enough to make a contribution to the wifi, phone, etc). Then, tell him that out of it, he has to pay for his extras, ie, if he has a hobby that he enjoys instead of you buying what he needs, he has to pay for it himself, and include in the list a contribution to his phone, and the wifi. If he can't pay, he doesn't get!

Ariela · 19/02/2020 14:43

Pick your battles.
Why isn't he doing his own washing at 14?
Problem solved.

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