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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH re lads holidays, illness and moodiness

65 replies

BringOnTheBotox · 16/02/2020 22:50

I'm so pissed off with DH.

He went on a stag do abroad for a week, came home for a few days then went off on a week long lads activity holiday. I didn't want him to go on both and thought that was taking the piss...

He then came home a week ago from the second holiday ill, which I know can't be helped. I managed to make him go to the doctor on Wednesday and he has tonsillitis. Again, not his fault but he's been absolutely vile mood wise since he got home. He hasn't done a thing in the house or with the DC. He refuses to take any paracetamol or ibuprofen; he takes his antibiotics but won't take anything else to make him feel better. He's been so grumpy, huffing and puffing, wanting to go to bed at 8pm and expecting silence and darkness in the whole house.

This morning he announced he felt 'worse than ever', so I suggested he went to our local walk in out of hours clinic. He wouldn't go, wouldn't take any painkillers, and has just been moody and rude all day.

Again, I know he can't help being ill but after his two holidays I was hoping for a day or two where he'd perhaps take care of the DC and do a few household chores to give me a break. Also if I am ill he won't even acknowledge it and I'm expected to carry on.

AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
LouHotel · 17/02/2020 07:29

He can help being ill by taking appropriate medication so he’s choosing to be like this.

You need to have an argument about all this and if you don’t think you can then you need to evaluate your relationship.

Theraincloud8 · 17/02/2020 07:35

‘Why do women put up with this”

Fuck knows.

Vulpine · 17/02/2020 07:41

Who goes on week long stag dos if they've got kids?!

RightYesButNo · 17/02/2020 07:45

So when are your two-week long holidays?

And if your answer is ANYTHING except, “oh, I’ve already had them,” or, “they’re coming up in summer when (D)H can watch the kids,” then it’s time to really sit back and think. Marriage doesn’t have to be like this. He’s been a selfish dick now for 3+ weeks! And we’re not our great-great-grandmums when this kind of stuff often had to be accepted or they got a slap if they spoke up.

You have the right to say, “You are being a massive fucking bellend.”

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/02/2020 07:55

God, I just don’t understand these kind of relationships. I know some on here will say that you shouldn’t stop having time away with friends but bar the odd night or two I think it’s mad. When you settle down and have dc’s your responsibilities lie with your family - not having boozy week-long holidays with your mates. Why would you even want to do all that shit any more? It’s great when you’re 20 but god, he needs to grow up!

Once the kids are older you can holiday to your hearts content again but honestly, if that was my dh I’d be seriously questioning his love & loyalty to our family. Sounds like he prefers being with his mates to spending time with his wife and kids.

Agree you better make sure you book yourself a holiday op - eve if it’s a few days away by yourself! I bet it’ll make him think twice next time.

JudyCoolibar · 17/02/2020 07:58

What's he got against taking painkillers?

CalleighDoodle · 17/02/2020 07:59

Can i just say, while i agree he sounds a dick, i get regular bacterial tonsillitis and it is absolutely awful and totally floors me. However, Im no where near as bad with viral.

Janleverton · 17/02/2020 08:07

I have had tonsillitis a lot. So much so that had tonsils removed about 5 years ago.

Worst pain ever and totally knocks you out.

That said - it is absolutely ridiculous to refuse to take medication that may actually help to reduce the pain/discomfort. I have very little sympathy for folk who don’t do paracetamol/codeine/ibuprofen when they are supposedly that ill. It’s stupid.

SureTry · 17/02/2020 08:08

@Vulpine Selfish fuckers do!

userabcname · 17/02/2020 08:24

I have no sympathy for people who are in pain but refuse to take painkillers. An ex once finally conceded to take 'half a paracetamol' while allegedly suffering a 'migraine'. I told him he may as well have a tic tac for all the good half a paracetamol would do. He sounds like a knob. Is it half term there? Can you take the kids and go and stay with family/ friends for a few days?

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 17/02/2020 08:27

He’s an utter knob. Why are you putting up with this?

BlingLoving · 17/02/2020 08:32

I have zero sympathy for people who are I'll and wont help themselves. Dh doesn't like painkillers either but when he is genuinely sick I make it clear that it's his responsibility to get back to functioning asap and medication is sometimes important.

But you have a bigger problem in that he is clearly a twat who thinks his needs and wants are more important than anyone elses. You should really think about what this means for your long term relationship. As Anyfucker will probably be on here to say later "what are you getting out of this relationship right now"

PumpkinPie2016 · 17/02/2020 08:34

I had tonsillitis once and it is absolutely awful. However, I helped myself by taking appropriate painkillers, drinking plenty of fluids and eating foods I could manage. I couldn't really do much around the house but I still did what was needed for my son.

He may well be ill but being rude to others and refusing to help yourself is not on. I'd be tempted to take the children out and leave him to it.

Damntheman · 17/02/2020 08:39

I don't like taking painkillers, but I'll sure as hell take them if I've got something like tonsilitis because I'm not an arse!

Tell him he takes the painkillers or he's not allowed to complain about feeling ill anymore.

timeisnotaline · 17/02/2020 08:41

I don’t see why it’s the ops problem he’s sick in any way. You reap what you sow, he’s a shit husband and father and she should just kick him out. He doesn’t give a shit when she’s sick so it’s what he deserves really.

GabriellaMontez · 17/02/2020 08:42

So hed made 2 separate trips burning the candle at both ends with the lads and now he's ill. In my book that's self inflicted.

So ill, hes doing fuck all but not having any pain relief and well enough to be rude.

All seems a bit selective to me.

He sounds like a lazy, unpleasant cocklodger. Is there loads of wonderful stuff about him you haven't mentioned yet...? Is this just a blip in an otherwise kind, fair, hardworking husband and father?

helberg · 17/02/2020 08:46

Tonsilitis is horrible so he probably does feel really rotten.
That said, I have null sympathy for people who roll around moaning and groaning and won't take painkillers or any other simple remedy that can alleviate the symptoms a little. I'm then skeptical that it's really as bad as they claim - surely if you felt really awful you'd take something??
I've had a couple of exes who refused to take painkillers or lemsip or cough medicine for colds or whatever. Nothing more irritating in the world than someone whinging on and there are cold remedies in the cupboard that help a lot.

I'd ignore him whinging and moaning to be honest and just keep repeating that the painkillers are there and he should also go to the doctor again. Don't engage in any further conversation - just keep repeating the same thing.

I bet another reason he's feeling ill is coming down after far too much alcohol on his lads' holidays. One of my exes used to go on drinking binges for a week at a time (he was at home but out every night) and when he eventually stopped he'd be vile for at least a week - in a foul mood, aggressive etcetc.

Once the tonsilitis is over you can have a serious conversation with him about his behaviour. He's a father now and while the odd weekend away or even a short holiday with friends is ok (so long as you also have the same opportunity if you so wish), it isn't acceptable to have almost back to back holidays like that and then come back in a vile mood refusing to do anything around the home.

Cam77 · 17/02/2020 08:50

“Why do women put up with this?”
Most of them don’t put up with anything, but the “qualities” that may have seemed attractive or important to them when dating a man at age 20-25 can become shit after X years of marriage and kids
(he’s confident > he doesn’t consider others. attractive > he attracts other women. he’s driven in his career > no time for family. hes so funny > doesn’t know how to take things seriously. Etc)

Finding the right partner to start a family with is about compromise and being realistic about who someone is from the start, rather than trying to mold a new personality from scratch the day after the wedding.

MintImperials · 17/02/2020 08:51

He can help being ill if he’s ill because he got run down with all the late nights, booze, and whatever worse. I’d not have much sympathy either.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 17/02/2020 08:53

Poor man

So poorly, and now also about to be dumped by his partner (I hope!!!)

SerendipitySunshine · 17/02/2020 08:59

Why are you with him?

NomDeDieu · 17/02/2020 09:01

The problem isn’t the tonsillitis. It’s his general attitude. The one that says that if he is ill, then he can be grumpy, everyone has to tiptoe around him etc... The ine that says that he doesn’t have to lift his finger if he is ill either. BUT he can still play the ‘I am STRONG and I dint need painkiller because I have such a huge pain threshold because I am A MAN’.
DH does that. I’ve stopped looking after him and say ‘oh poor you! What can I do for you?’. Too many instances where he came back home grumpy but hadn’t done a thing to help himself (it was so sold in the office. I’ve been freeeezing. Did you put your jumper on? No .... OR I feel crap. I’ve had a headache all day. Grumpy, grumpy grumpy. Have you taken some paracetamol? No. Do you want one? No....). In that case, don’t come and complain.
This is probably made worse by the fact I do have a chronic illness that is affecting my own wellbeing everyday so I have little patience for the people who purposefully put themselves in such situation.

Tbh, I would send him away to his mummy. Or I would go away myself and leave him drown in his own self pity. You are not his mummy.

Mummyshark2018 · 17/02/2020 09:03

Like pp's he has had 2 weeks of overindulging and biting the candle at both ends and now he's run down. How does he have enough AL to take 2 weeks leave away from the family? Do you have school aged dc?

NomDeDieu · 17/02/2020 09:05

Btw, I actually don’t think you need an conversation once it’s over’. I dint think there is any conversation to be had. But just plain action on your side, by stopping to mollycoddle him and refusing to play his tune.
And this can start NOW rather than when he is better.

If he is asking what’s going in, just tell him you are not his mum. He is an adult and a father and therefire you are expecting him to 1- start looking after himself 2- pull himself together and do what he can with the house/dcs and 3- be respectful of the other people living in the house.

NomDeDieu · 17/02/2020 09:06

@Mummyshark2018, I wouod also ask how is it ok for him to take two weeks of hols for himself which means there is even less time to spend as a family.
@BringOnTheBotox are you even going away in hols as a family? Do you go away in your own whilst he is looking after the dcs on his own?

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