Am I being petty or should I be annoyed?

[ineedsomesleepplease]

I'm feeling a little rubbish & not especially appreciated. Not sure if I should raise it with DH or if I'm being petty.

Didn't do anything for my birthday, didn't get a gift or card. Told him it was ok because I didn't need anything but was upset because I thought he might have helped our toddler make me a card.

For Christmas, he told me a few weeks before Christmas that he hadn't got me anything and told me to send him the link to something he could buy for me. I told him I'd like a new journal and showed him which one- he said he didn't think I'd use it (I have previously not got on with a reflective one & stopped using it so can maybe understand this comment...but I did tell him this one was different and I'd had it before & liked it.)S A few days before Christmas, he said he hadn't bought me anything & he felt bad. I told him it was ok & went ahead to order myself the journal and a few other things. I know it's silly, but I just wanted a few nice things to look at on Christmas Day. I bought him & my family presents (family not financially able to buy me anything but this isn't an issue with DH). I organised all the children's presents. I got toddler to make him a card and paint a picture to go along with the gift 'she' bought.

Valentine's Day (don't really ever do anything but usually exchange cards). I got toddler to make him a picture & wrote a card from our 2 children. I didn't get a card but I didn't mind so much. I didn't really expect anything given my birthday and Christmas.

Just been told that he's organised to have his friends over for a weekend in March (Mother's Day weekend- my first with our new baby) & he probably hasn't considered it, but I'd have liked to maybe go for lunch or something (he went away last year over Mother's Day & didn't help toddler make me a card & i told him it upset me a little) so thought he might consider it this year. I'm really not a materialistic person. I don't want or need anything. Just to have some thought and even a painting from the toddler.

He used to be thoughtful and make me cards himself for each celebration/holiday until a few years ago.

I've just realised that maybe it isn't ok that I've stopped having any expectations. I don't know whether to mention Mother's Day or just leave it but it's annoying me inside. AIBU to be upset or am I being petty? I know it isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

I'd be livid on all accounts that you've mentioned and would stop doing any present buying and card giving to him, see how he likes it.

He's a twat. What an inconsiderate arse. Does he do anything nice at other times?

You should stop buying him presents & sorting things from the kids See how he likes all his special days being ignored by you & the kids
I bet it wont take him long to moan, to which you reply "Im only taking a leaf out of your book"
Can you sort something for Fathers Day so youll either be out or have friends or family around for the day on top of no card or present, just likes doing to you on Mothers Day??

Mine is not deliberately horrible but rubbish at this stuff. I have changed approach - I don't do stuff for him anymore. But I do make the children do a card on both mine and his birthdays. I buy myself a beautiful gift for Christmas and my birthday. (He gets nothing but a few silly things in Xmas stocking) I make myself a cake or buy one if I can't be bothered. We're in year 2 of this and it's going rather well. No simmering resentment from me.
Unless this is part of a wider picture where he isn't engaged in family life in which case there are bigger issues that this is just highlighting and they should be dealt with rather than gifts and effort on special occasions.

You need to stop telling him it’s OK, when it clearly isn’t. You’re lying down and asking him to wipe his feet on you.

Gosh, I feel sad that your expectations are so low and you seem quite apologetic about expecting him to show appreciation. He sounds awful. You really aren't asking for much.

You sound so sad and down. It’s painful to read how little you’ve come to expect.

I think you need to communicate with him. Rather than saying ‘oh that’s ok’ every time, you need to say ‘actually I’m disappointed, I know I said I didn’t need anything as such but I would’ve liked a card.’ Or ‘I asked for that journal and even sent you the link’. It’s not up to him to judge what you would or wouldn’t use if that’s what you’ve asked for!

He keeps doing this because you keep telling him you’re fine with it. You should be able to talk to your spouse about these things.

Stop telling him it’s ok when it isn’t. He isn’t a mind reader, you need to let him know you’re hurt and upset and that he needs to male the effort like he used to otherwise you will begin to feel taken for granted.

I know you want him to know these things without it being pointed out to him, but that’s not going to happen.

Hi OP
When I read this I got the impression that you don't value yourself enough and perhaps your dp knows he will get away with treating you with indifference because you are passive?
I apologise if I am wrong.
But becoming more assertive and tell him what you want or expect.Don't secretly hope he will bother.
You deserve more respect and attention and he needs to buck his ideas up.

He sounds like a massive twat. I think you’re going to have to tell him what you would like because he’s clearly too self absorbed to work it out for himself.

@Sparklesocks I kind of made a comment on valentines but didn't/haven't raised it all properly and wasn't sure if i should. He said he felt bad that he hadn't got me anything and I said I didn't expect anything given how Christmas etc happened so I hadn't been let down & he told me I was trying to make him feel worse. but if he felt that bad surely he'd change it!

He's great with the children & does things with the house (organising mortgage/DIY etc) but I end up sorting out everything for the children. This week, I've had to find a nursery place for the younger one, organise vaccines, dentist, hospital appointment, get provisional information on schools. We both work. I got frustrated with him because I've just realised that our preferred school is oversubscribed so I've been looking at other options. I asked him why he hasn't looked at it and what his plan is if the toddler doesn't get in anywhere we'd be happy to send her. He said he'd just want to "defer her" until the next year and try for the preferred school again she's very bright & is starting to show interest in reading etc so it obviously isn't the answer to just hold her back at nursery...to avoid thinking about alternative options! He will eventually look at things/sort things but I have to nag and he gets frustrated at me nagging. Im getting annoyed tonight having realised I have a double sided A4 to do list for this month which I'm working through while he watches TV which is generally how evenings go (we do split looking after the children 50/50, I can't fault him on that at all).

I think I'm going to try to raise it now having read the responses. I just thought I was placing value on silly things expecting cards but now thinking I'm not!

It would be a big deal to me. If my DH had done that to me starting a few years ago the I wouldn't have a toddler and a newborn as there would be no fulfilling conjugal rights.

Seriously, what is he like the rest of the time? I would have to tell him how upsetting it is that he doesn't bother to buy even a card. I'd ask him to cancel the weekend that coincides with Mothers' day. In fact, tbh, if my DH behaved like this I'd consider my marriage to be over.

He doesn’t consider you-but it sounds like you don’t consider you either. You need to set expectations. It would have been a no from me snot the Mother’s Day weekend-is have told him it’s Mother’s Day And that he has to step up. Conversely just stop doing anything for him and buy stuff for yourself instead-see how he likes them apples! And stop doing lovely cards with the kids for him too!

About not snot!

You are definitely not being petty. I would be really hurt by the lack of effort.

I wouldn't be happy with his total lack of effort and I'd be making it clear. I'd also stop making any effort for him

I think you need to practice some assertive talking.

'I was disappointed when you told me you'd arranged for your friends to be here on x date. That's Mothers Day and I would prefer to have a lie in and lunch out at x.'

Then say nothing. No apology. It's a statement of fact.

Stop telling him it's OK!

Tell him what you want, some people need a very specific point in the right direction. Tell him when you're bothered by the lack of card etc, and tell him why.

I would also ask him to cancel the weekend.

You're not being a twat OP. He sounds very inconsiderate and thoughtless of your feelings. Perhaps talk to him about your expectations and your feelings? You don't come across angry in your post - you sound sad, and fed up. Sending you a huge cuddle

Stop telling him its ok when its not ok.

Men are often shit an empathy. Tell him that, when he doesn’t take the trouble to think of / do something nice for special occasions, it makes you feel unloved. Tell him you are tired if saying “its ok” to save his feelings and actually it is not ok and a crap gift would be better than no gift at all.

All of this men are shit at empathy is crap he's choosing to condition you to accept so much less of him

I don't know him but I wonder did all this start after you had children or as he always viewed you like this

He's conditioned you to accept crumbs and you're due the whole damn loaf. Red flag right there.

He tells you before hand he feels bad but not bad enough to get off his arse go to the shop and buy you a nice pen n a card to go with your journal.

Please start building a friendship group outside of your relationship for support

My guess is any time you start repairing your self esteem he'll sabotage it or if you pull him up on it he'll twist it and call you a nag

Agree you sound very passive Op - you’re too nice I’m afraid and as he sounds like a very lazy/unthoughtful sort. you are probably a bad match in some way as you will push down your feelings and he will get worse telling himself that you’re not bothered!

Get vocal. If that was my dh organising the weekend with friends I’d be saying “you do know that is Mother’s Day weekend and we didn’t do anything last year? I told you last year that I was a bit upset and now you’re really going to do it again?”.
It sounds like he is “training” you to not mention things to him. If you go along with this it will get worse and worse until you really, really resent him. Trust me on this. It is perfectly valid to feel how you feel. He will go along with his selfish ways as long as you don’t make a fuss - so make it very clear to him how this makes you feel.
If he still continues to act this way - well, you know exactly what kind of person he is don’t you as there will be no confusion? (ie a selfish twat who really doesn’t care that he’s upsetting you).
He needs it spelling out to him and you need to stop quashing your feelings in order to not upset him - you’re his wife and mother of his children and he should show some appreciation as it sounds like you do to him.

Just tell him the weekend isn’t happening as you expect to be spoiled for Mother’s Day - especially as bday, Xmas and v day weren’t a goer!

Re Mother's Day. If you ask him to cancel his mates and he says he wants to ahve his them over, just keep repeating, 'That's not what I want to do on Motherss Day'. And then STOP. Let him wrangle with the problem.

If he moans about not wanting to cancel his friends, just remind him that he arranged it without agreeing it with you first and its not convenient.