Am I being petty or should I be annoyed?

[ineedsomesleepplease]

I'm feeling a little rubbish & not especially appreciated. Not sure if I should raise it with DH or if I'm being petty.

Didn't do anything for my birthday, didn't get a gift or card. Told him it was ok because I didn't need anything but was upset because I thought he might have helped our toddler make me a card.

For Christmas, he told me a few weeks before Christmas that he hadn't got me anything and told me to send him the link to something he could buy for me. I told him I'd like a new journal and showed him which one- he said he didn't think I'd use it (I have previously not got on with a reflective one & stopped using it so can maybe understand this comment...but I did tell him this one was different and I'd had it before & liked it.)S A few days before Christmas, he said he hadn't bought me anything & he felt bad. I told him it was ok & went ahead to order myself the journal and a few other things. I know it's silly, but I just wanted a few nice things to look at on Christmas Day. I bought him & my family presents (family not financially able to buy me anything but this isn't an issue with DH). I organised all the children's presents. I got toddler to make him a card and paint a picture to go along with the gift 'she' bought.

Valentine's Day (don't really ever do anything but usually exchange cards). I got toddler to make him a picture & wrote a card from our 2 children. I didn't get a card but I didn't mind so much. I didn't really expect anything given my birthday and Christmas.

Just been told that he's organised to have his friends over for a weekend in March (Mother's Day weekend- my first with our new baby) & he probably hasn't considered it, but I'd have liked to maybe go for lunch or something (he went away last year over Mother's Day & didn't help toddler make me a card & i told him it upset me a little) so thought he might consider it this year. I'm really not a materialistic person. I don't want or need anything. Just to have some thought and even a painting from the toddler.

He used to be thoughtful and make me cards himself for each celebration/holiday until a few years ago.

I've just realised that maybe it isn't ok that I've stopped having any expectations. I don't know whether to mention Mother's Day or just leave it but it's annoying me inside. AIBU to be upset or am I being petty? I know it isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

let him know just the once that he has invited people over on mothers day..... then book yourself a ticket to a spa hotel or somewhere for the entire weekend.... and on the Friday when hes all getting shit ready for his friends to arrive, walk out the door and jump in a uber and head away for your well deserved mothers day ( leaving the kids and all the "wife work" to him to deal with)

I hope you have raised this with him now. It seems that you're probably being too passive, too nice, so he thinks you 'don't mind, or you're not bothered', so don't be surprised if this comes as a shock. There is nothing wrong with wanting a little love, scare and attention now and again, it's what will help keep the relationship alive and healthy.

If you haven't already you need to sit him down and outline all you've said in your opening post, but please leave the 'but it was ok' bits out, because it's not ok.

As for the decision and admin work for the kids. He also needs to step up. You both work full time after all, so
Everything should be 50/50

You need to stop telling him it’s OK, when it clearly isn’t.

This with bells on ^^

Definitely tell him to cancel his friends visiting on mother's day weekend! There are 51 other weekends to choose from - the point of mother's day is to celebrate YOU! We put the mother first on this day because she makes so many sacrifices the rest of the year! His friends can visit their own mums that day.

I would also mention the cards. I don't need big gifts either, but I'm quite sentimental and it is nice to keep cards from my DC to look back on in future. And it takes less than 2 minutes to get a toddler to scribble on a bit of card or glue some shapes on a page. No excuses.

That said... stop telling him it's ok! If he asks if you're upset, say "yes. I always make an effort for your special days and it hurts that you can't spend 2 minutes making me a card with toddler or even consider that I might want to do something for mother's day especially when this will be the second one you've ignored."

He's a shit. When you mention you're a little bit upset (I'd be farting sparks by this point) he then accuses YOU of trying to make HIM feel bad?!? He's doing a real number on you and he knows it. If he were ill and couldn't arrange anything and said he felt bad of course I'd feel a bit sorry for him but he's literally telling you he's got you nothing, as though he's unable to do anything about it! Each time he's telling you he's not going to bother and each time you tell him it's ok. He is a lazy turd and he needs a rocket up his arse or he'll be out on it.
There's a chance he may not have realised the weekend he's invited his friends over is Mother's Day (haven't any of his friends got children though?) so you could either point it out to him and say that the last year's worth of celebrations have been ruined by him so the least he can do is treat you on mother's day or you could tell him that as he's so useless you're planning your own special weekend, just you and your children and he's not a welcome part of it.
I felt so sad reading your post. You deserve better. He knows it, too.

OP, great advice above.

You most certainly are not petty.

He sounds selfish and he is taking you for granted.

The fact that he was able to organise himself to arrange friends to come over tells me everything.

He's well able when it suits him.

Tell him that as advised above its Mother's day and not happening.

Also the fact that he accuses you of nagging when he doesn't help would piss me off no end.

Take that A4 page and give him half on it.

The thing is OP, you will go from passive, to feeling a little put out to very put out.

Your annoyance and disappointment will grow.

Your low standards of treatment will spoil your marriage until you neither like nor love him.

Sit him down and spell it out. All of it.
Calmly.
The gifts.
The division of labour.
The sitting on his ass.

Calmly but firmly tell him how disappointed you are.

Things wont improve until you spell it out.

Don't apologise to him for being put out.

He is able to be organised when it suits HIM.

Wishing you well.

He wants to have his friends over on the one day that is supposed to be for you? Whilst also being a lazy, rude, manipulative sod, who has done nothing for you on any other celebration day?

To keep it short, OP, who does he think he is? And why have you allowed this appalling behaviour?

Yep it’s not ok none of it at all

My husband is like this. I don’t mind, tbh we are really busy and could do without the hassle of organising presents etc for each other, not to mention we both hate birthdays (we still do it for kids and other family obviously but to us it doesn’t really matter). But he was always like that and I’ve made it pretty clear that I don’t mind (don’t get me wrong I enjoy affection through gift giving/festivities and would have liked to have that as a part of our relationship but it’s not important to me and he shows affection in other ways and it much better at small spontaneous gifts, so am I really). But clearly this isn’t the case for you. If you aren’t ok with it you should be able to talk to him about it and he should listen. Just because he is ok with it and other people are ok with it doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to be upset.

Stop telling him it's ok to be thoughtless. He's getting away with it and you're allowing it. He absolutely doesn't feel bad, even if he says he does, otherwise he wouldn't be doing it again and again.

Tell him it's not OK to invite friends round without discussing it with you, you will not be hosting anyone on Mother's Day weekend and were expecting to have that weekend 'off' from childcare duties. If he insists on having the friends that weekend then book yourself a couple of days away somewhere, without kids if possible, and leave his selfish arse to it.

He is being thoughtless but you are being daft by not telling him what you expect.

He can't read your mind and it's unfair of you to tell him it's ok when you are secretly being pissed off with him

Don't buy his family presents unless you want to. Again, it's unfair to do it if you resent doing it.

I'd be pissed off about Mother's Day but looking at the silver lining, you can tell him that it's great he's picked Mothers' Day to invite guests as you will be putting your feet up with the box of chocolates your DC are bound to give you while he gets on with it.

Gift wrap him a shiny new divorce

Re mother's day weekend, would he be expecting you to do the prep work for his friends coming? Eg sort the food shopping, cleaning, tidying, making up the guest beds, doing the cooking etc to boot? If so this is even more selfish than just not doing anything for it at all!

I think you have 2 choices:

• tell him how you feel
• don’t do a single THING for him from now on

FWIW he sounds like a thoughtless tosser and i’d Be absolutely gutted in your position

Mother's Day is an event that different people see very differently. It's always been a complete non event to me so I have always had zero expectations of others to do anything. Your husband won't know it's a big deal to you unless you tell him. Also the concept of wanting a card from your baby is something that might not occur to your husband. It's seems an odd thing to do to me but having been on MNHQ I now know it's perfectly normal. 😅