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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will I bu?

41 replies

Kj0108891 · 16/02/2020 15:24

I've namechanged as this could be outing.

I've got a 9 yo son. He's got a son (20) and an 18 yearold. His youngest went to a youth prison for a bad assault. He was released recently and he's been staying with us for about 2 weeks. At first I didn't really agree with husband but he told me he isn't a bad person and to give him a chance. So I did and I thought he was a nice person and he was nice towards my son.

Anyway yesterday he was shouting at my son and husband told him off. Yesterday he went out with his friend and he was in a fight I think but he told husband nothing happened.

Husband has taken my son and his eldest to the football and his son was complaining because I wouldn't do something and he kept going on and he went to hit me.

He's now gone out. WIBU to not want him here anymore? Can I have some advice please?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 16/02/2020 15:26

You’re endangering yourself and your child having this man anywhere near you, and no you should not be sharing space with him at all.

Protect your child. And yourself.

user1473878824 · 16/02/2020 15:26

Call the police OP. And I’m not saying that lightly. He tried to assault you.

MyNewBearTotoro · 16/02/2020 15:27

YANBU at all. He needs to leave now before he hurts you or even worse your son.

SummerHouse · 16/02/2020 15:30

I think it would be a rare Saint who would want him there.

Is there another option to making him leave? E.g. he recognises he has a problem, seeks help, recognises any boundaries you put in place.

It's desperate. Hope you find a way.

Original poster
Kj0108891 · 16/02/2020 15:36

Husband will probably think I'm BU because I want his son to go.

I don't think there's anything else I could do though unless me and son go instead.

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 16/02/2020 15:39

If your husband doesn't think his son going to hit you is a problem, he needs a wake up call. I would report to the police as he is a risk to you and your younger son.

PrinnyPree · 16/02/2020 15:51

You have to get out of this situation either the son leaves or you do, if your husband isn't taking domestic violence seriously I wouldn't want to be in that house. Xxx sending all the strength OP. Hope you get the support you need. X

Original poster
Kj0108891 · 16/02/2020 15:56

I think me and son will go. I don't know if i should report him to the police as he was released on probation so he'll go back to prison.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 16/02/2020 16:07

Yes OP, he might. That’s the point of probation. And even on probation he is prepared to hit his father’s partner. Call the police.

Straycatstrut · 16/02/2020 16:20

I'd get you and your boy out of there ASAP and would text your OH and tell them you're somewhere safe, and won't be living with him again until youngest is elsewhere.

It's a horrible situation. I want to say make a fresh start away from all of them to completely eliminate the chance of the youngest son coming near you & DS again - but if you love your OH it is really difficult. if he loves YOU however he'll support your decision.

Straycatstrut · 16/02/2020 16:23

And even on probation he is prepared to hit his father’s partner. Call the police.

I actually agree with the police.

If his instinctive response is to hit a woman after a disagreement, I dread to think what he'll do to young women his own age who won't do what he says. He needs to be locked up away from people until he knows how to be respectful.

Original poster
Kj0108891 · 16/02/2020 16:51

Me and son can't go yet as he's still out with my husband.

What would I say to the police?

OP posts:
Maduixa · 16/02/2020 17:01

YANBU. You DID give him a chance, and he proved he isn't safe to be around.

I can't tell from this if your H knows he tried to hit you, or not yet? If he doesn't know yet, I'd hope he'd tell the son to leave once he finds out, even if that means helping him find another place to stay. Obviously, you and your son should not have to leave - but do whatever keeps you safe in the short term.

It's a bit weird that the son is acting so badly if he's on probation. He should be on his best behaviour now, both to keep his living situation and to avoid going back to prison. Sounds like he either has absolutely no common sense, or he lacks impulse control to a dangerous degree.

user18463585026 · 16/02/2020 17:06

He went to hit you?

Swung and stopped in front of your face? Swung and hit the wall next to you? Swung and you ducked?

Whatever it was that he precisely did is what you tell the police. It's common assault to cause someone to think they're at immediate risk of violence.

Slith · 16/02/2020 17:16

How does your 9yo have children of 20 and 18? I don't get it...

Original poster
Kj0108891 · 16/02/2020 17:16

No husband doesn't know yet I'm going to tell him when he gets home.

He raised his hand to me but stopped him self.

OP posts:
WarmSausageTea · 16/02/2020 17:45

How does your 9yo have children of 20 and 18? I don't get it...

‘He’ must mean the OP’s partner.

Original poster
Kj0108891 · 16/02/2020 17:47

I meant to have wrote husband not he's.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 16/02/2020 17:52

Were you involved in the release plans? Does probation know that he's living with a 9 year old?

Going to the Police will end your marriage. I'm not saying don't, but understand the repercussions.

Prison obviously hasn't rehabilitated him, so he needs more help.

Get you and your Son to safety and discuss things with your DH, if he's in denial that he needs therapy etc, then walk away for good.

Emmelina · 16/02/2020 17:55

His son sounds volatile and violent. It’s not safe to continue to have him at your house around you and your young child. He needs to move on - by force if necessary.

user1473878824 · 16/02/2020 17:56

@Slith don’t be a dick.

Original poster
Kj0108891 · 16/02/2020 18:25

When he was released he wasn't living with us at first as he didn't want to see my husband. But probation know he's staying with us and I've got a son.

OP posts:
Travis1 · 16/02/2020 18:38

Speak to your husband. Give him the chance to do the right thing but if he won’t then he’s, you and your son should leave. This is when this boy should be on best behaviour which he clearly isn’t being

Original poster
Kj0108891 · 16/02/2020 18:48

I'm going to tell husband in a minute he's just gone to take my son to a sleepover. His sons back but he didn't speak he just went upstairs.

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 16/02/2020 19:54

@Kj0108891 How did it go?