AIBU to remove all privileges from my 12yo?

[itswonkylampshade]

I realise this is partly age and stage but she’s becoming increasingly sullen, moody and hostile, including towards her 4yo sister (who is a sharp cookie and admittedly responds in kind).

She’s a lucky girl, has more than many children and actually has a lot of freedom. She gets pocket money, has her own laptop, mobile (with screen time limits which is an affront to her), takes part in two reasonably pricey sporting hobbies and still all we get from her is rudeness and blank refusal to do the most basic things around the house... her room is like a squat, she puts clean, folded clothes back into the wash rather than go to the effort of putting them into her drawers (if I insist, it’s a confrontation and then she won’t close the drawers!), she won’t put any real effort into homework, won’t read, won’t practise her music...I actually had to force her to change her clothes and take a shower last night as her socks were filthy and had obviously been worn for days. I am totally sick of the sound of myself telling her (patiently) every single mealtime to eat with her mouth closed.

I’m at my wits end and also worried about her. I’ve closed down her screen time completely today, stopped my direct debit for her pocket money and told her she can earn these privileges by behaving better and helping out round the house.

I thought she sounded depressed -then I read about you mum dying (sorry 🌷). I think you should look at getting her done bereavement counselling.

Do you talk about your mum much?

I think there’s naturally some hormonal crap going on, but mostly sounds like (understandable) depression

Her changing hobbies frequently is likely her just searching for something that makes her happy. They honestly don’t need to ‘achieve’ in hobbies, trying lots of different things also has its benefits. Try to limit the impact on your finances by buying second hand equipment & then new or more things for birthday/Christmas rather than kitting her out with new stuff immediately.

Obviously try to spend time together, doing whatever is ‘stress free’ & that she’ll enjoy - hopefully you too! It doesn’t have to be expensive.. playing board games/cards, baking, learning a new hobby/craft (crochet us quite popular amongst the young teens here. Easy & cheap).

Another thing that will help is to have a huge de clutter - get her on board to ‘de clutter the house’ (don’t make it about HER stuff) make it easy to put stuff away. My friend is always moaning about how messy her kids are and how they don’t put anything away & just throw their clothes on the floor. But there isn’t anywhere to put anything! Every single cupboard shelf draw chair surface is FULL. If they could just open their pants drawer and put a pile of pants in they might actually do it, but when it’s already over flowing they just dump them in the floor 🤷🏻‍♀️
(I’m not saying your house is like that - but just do what you can to make it easier for her to comply).

I’d go with counselling & love bombing rather than punishment in your situation. 30 odd years on I still miss my Nana more than I can say. I wish I’d had counselling at the time (really wasn’t a thing then).

Best of luck

I'm actually glad to read this thread. My 12 year old is the same. I'm sick of the laziness and complete ingratitude coupled with not changing underwear and lying about washing.

Do it! Absolutely!

My 12 yo is the opposite when it comes to showering - will spend 30 minutes in the shower and floods the bathroom in the process. Has been told 3,465 times that she needs to make sure the shower screen is in a particular position. I couldn’t find a towel for me this morning because they were all in her room, under her bed, along with her clothes.

As for doing anything for herself, that’s where we struggle. We had a minor breakthrough the other week when she actually made her own toast because I was busy (eating my own breakfast...) and she was hungry.

She is learning that if dirty clothes don’t make it to the wash they remain dirty. It’s a battle at times though!

I honestly do wonder if by just stopping all privileges you're just going to end up locking horns. She probably can't help a lot of her ways.

I think this age is so hard because they're becoming their own person, and not always one that we as parents like very much. They can be extremely rude, moody, selfish, messy and all the rest. We can't understand them and they can't understand us. I find it's like having a toddler again only a giant one without the cuteness and cuddles.

It's hard for them it's hard for us. I'm very much trying to parent my eldest like a would a toddler, ignoring the tantrums, forcing the issues that are very important whilst remaining calm but firm through gritted teeth, and making the most of the times he's in a good mood.

My 12 yo is the opposite when it comes to showering - will spend 30 minutes in the shower and floods the bathroom in the process. Has been told 3,465 times that she needs to make sure the shower screen is in a particular position. I couldn’t find a towel for me this morning because they were all in her room, under her bed, along with her clothes.

Ha, same here, he spend 30 minutes in the shower, floods the bathroom, uses 3577321556 towels and still comes out looking like a greasy slob pmsl.

Reading these threads I wonder have parents always expected tidiness, chores to be done or just now they are deemed old enough?
I’m on my 4th teenager and they’ve always been involved so it’s natural to be tidy/clean. Too many parents do too much for their DC, OP if your DD is being rude and ignorant then tbh you’re too soft.
Personally I’d clear her room of everything but her furniture and give her one outfit per day, no hobbies, laptop etc, these can be earned back when she learns to respect you and your room.
She sounds like a spoiled entitled girl, no way should you be forking out for horses, phones etc when she treats you badly.

*home not room

I don't remember my kids being unhygenic as teenagers (very very messy though), but the rest of it sounds pretty normal to me. You are absolutely right to withdraw privileges until she learns to stop being so rude and lazy though.

I recently did that with my 12 year old (DS). I think it was effective. He's not perfect now, but he's trying really hard to earn things back. For him, the slow drip of punishments and losing privileges did nothing. They're all different, but for us, it's working, OP.

@JKScot4
My dd has always done chores, when small willingly, as she got older less willingly but shes done then.
Never having been the parent of an almost teen before this is all new to me but I obviously hadn't anticipated the bad attitude and laziness I now get. On a good day she can explain to me why she behaves as she does. On a bad day she just grunts.
Best incentive we have is earning back the phone. She knows if the phone and tv remote are not on the table when she comes home from school there is something she needs to put right first.
I think a lot of us are learning as we go.

Thanks, everyone: lots of food for thought as well as reassuring to know we are not alone in dealing with it all! It’s hard some days.

I should point our that she’s not been given a horse, to whichever pp inferred that from what I said...she actually volunteers at a stable which is a social enterprise and gets to ride about once a fortnight. She is very fortunate but things aren’t just given to her willy nilly, hope I haven’t made it sound like they are. It’s important to me that she understands rewards come from effort and ingratitude and laziness are two things I just cannot stand.

After really hitting a wall of frustration this morning and cancelling her pocket money and removing her screen time we went for a walk which seems to have totally reset her mood and general attitude. She wasn’t happy initially and came along pretty resentfully but it didn’t take her long to turn back into her happier self. She also left her phone at home (her own choice) which I think is pretty significant. I’ve asked her to have a think about the new way we will manage pocket money and what she can do to earn it. I didn’t get any back chat and I do think and hope she’s thinking about how her attitude is going to impact on how things are in general for her and all of us. Good outcome for today, I think.

My 11 year old son is exactly the same, I always take his privileges away from him, i understand he's going through changes but that doesn't excuse his attitude and how he is with his younger sibling, when I question him about he always says " I DON'T KNOW " hopefully he snaps out of it

@AmelieTaylor thank you, it’s been a pretty devastating time. I have contacted school about counselling for her and there’s a group starting up for bereaved children which she’s going to go along to. My Mum was such a positive person and it’s hard to see dd in a bit of a negative spiral. She’s not a spoiled brat, but she’s certainly acting a bit like one... I’m encouraged this evening as she does seem to have had a bit of a think to herself.

please see my recent post on AIBU about my own daughter's moodiness and the reason why. Don't be too harsh. I relaxed my punishments after getting overly angry with her. Take time to investigate what's going on with her friendships, school, phone etc.

Thanks - I took a look at your thread. Aren’t phones such a nightmare where kids this age are concerned!? I am signed into her apps on my own phone so do regularly check in on things to make sure there’s nothing like that and I’m pretty satisfied there isn’t. There’s a lot of pressure on kids to behave a certain way at such a young age these days! They are blasted with things that wouldn’t have been on my radar at all at twelve. Thank goodness your daughter opened up to you. There’s a lot to be said for maintaining open communication which can be difficult when you’re also the one trying to enforce boundaries.

Thank you for this thread, op. My 12 yr old dd is my youngest child. I remember the teen years being tough with my older children but nothing like this girl. She can be very ungrateful and unkind. I must harp at her to shower especially during her period. She can also be very sweet and loving but By God those times seem few and far between.

It’s funny isn’t it - I can’t ever recall having to be hassled to bath or change clothes. She does have loads of lotions and potions and enjoys a good long soak on occasion but it’s more of an isolated event than a regular wash, if that makes sense.

Trying to tell myself these new boundaries where her phone’s concerned are going to help. I think what I’ll do is just set her screen time for the early evenings, after school and homework is done for the day. Having taken a good look this evening she uses it a lot (too much) during the school day which could also be affecting her general engagement with and concentration at school. I’m sure she will be annoyed with me for doing this but she still has the ability to call and text - it’s just apps that will be restricted. And she genuinely does not need those at school. She’s there in person with her friends. I’m starting to think I’ve just given her too much freedom at an age where she is genuinely struggling to self regulate and it’s just too much of a distraction from real life for her. And I actually see how much nicer she is when she’s away from her phone, too.

She gets to a certain (fairly low level tbh) stage of accomplishment where every interest is concerned and then just wants to give up and move onto the next thing. It’s a noticeable pattern

I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing. I do it as an adult,as do a few of my friends. I just want to have a go at all of the things. Windsurfing, ice skating, go karting, play the trombone... why the hell not?

Why dedicate all your spare time to working on one thing, when you can experience all of them.

Tbh it has stood me in good stead as an adult, i volunteer with an outward bound type youth group and I have done or can do so many of the usual activities. I can go ride a horse well enjoy to go trekking , i don’t need ski lessons if we head to the mountains (Im crap, but I don’t need any more tuition!) I can (badly) play a couple of instruments. Can sail a dingy... Im an expert at nothing, but I’ve had huge fun learning, made loads of friends too. I only borrow or buy kit secondhand though. (!)

The point I totally failed to make there was, it’s ok to dabble at hobbies, many of us do.

Learning a skill and moving on to the next one isn’t a sign of failure or character weakness.

Can’t help with the rest though, sorry. Mine is just on the cusp of teenage rebellion and already it isn’t pretty.

She is a normal, sullen, manky 12 year old but one day she will be nice again

Definitely not too harsh it might help your DD understand how hard you work for things! If she has to do hard work herself to understand how hard u work, so be it x

Read the entitlement trap. It's a bit American but it's very interesting.

DD2 is a gymnast but her continuing is dependent on her not letting anything else slip. Including the way she is at home. She knows, as fo all 4 kids, that friends over, trips out, freedom etc are privileges not rights.

We have previously resorted to a group punishment when everyone lost there screens for 4 months. They were so much nicer without them. Don't be afraid to pick a plan of action and stick to it.