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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Valentine's weekend away

28 replies

Findingithardrn · 16/02/2020 08:08

Broke up with dp last weekend, no contact through the week other than a couple of messages later in the week to arrange a meet up to discuss things and see whether we could actually try again to make it work.
Situation was we both lied to each other and couldn't admit it until we were caught out. Both broke each others trust and i had a habit of checking his phone messages behind his back which he found out. All this happened in the last 2 months of the relationship as we had hit a rocky patch and up untill then the rest of the 2years we had been together were perfect and happy.

He had booked us and paid for a belated valentine's weekend away with activities and spa. When we spoke i said i was willing to forgive him for his lies and betrayal of trust because I love him and want to try again. I wanted to go away together and start afresh. If we couldn't get on during the weekend away then we would call it quits and know for sure if it would work or not. If we did get on and have a nice time together then it would be a good start to new beginnings and starting afresh.

He said he needed more time to think about what he wants in this relationship and if he wants to get back together. My lies and message checking was wrong and i have apologised but was only as a result of his initial lies and lack of trust. I feel now both being honest with cards on the table we can start over and rebuild trust together.

AIBU to resent him for still going on the weekend away/spa break on his own? He has paid for it and says its a waste as we cant get a refund. I just feel its unfair that he still gets a treat when we have both done wrong. I have offered to pay him back for it and he says he doesn't want any money. I am currently working with a therapist for my depression, anxiety, paranoia and loneliness. I am so upset by us breaking up that i have no motivation and staying at home will make me spiral worse mentally and him still going is rubbing salt into the wound.
I have no friends to talk to and feel so crappy about it all. I think therevis hope that we will get back together as ge has said so himself but i cant shake him going on his own.

OP posts:
Bubblemonkey · 16/02/2020 08:12

His money, he can do what he likes with it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 16/02/2020 08:15

I think if the trust is gone, then it’s gone.

It doesn’t sound like he really wants to work at it. I’m sorry.

I’m more worried about you saying you have no friends to turn to. I think that’s why you are hanging onto this relationship.

Do you have children with him?
How long have you been together?
How old were you?
What were the lies on his side?

Selfsettling3 · 16/02/2020 08:16

Book yourself a weekend away.

Bagofoldbones · 16/02/2020 08:17

He didn’t go on his own.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 16/02/2020 08:19

It you were going to pay him for the weekend, why not just use the money to book your own spa trip? You don't say what his lies were but if dp was checking my phone, I wouldn't stay as it is a totally invasion of the very limited privacy you have when you live with someone.

If he cheated on you I would also be gone like a shot.

Canadianpancake · 16/02/2020 08:23

I think there is a possibility he didn't go to the spa alone. But either way, he booked and paid for it so he can do what he wants with it. If you want a weekend at a spa then you book one.

MordredsOrrery · 16/02/2020 08:29

I think YABU about the spa. But you sound as though you could also benefit from upping the therapy and having some spa time for yourself. The relationship sounds like it's been doing you more harm than good - time to step away and pick yourself up

Original poster
Findingithardrn · 16/02/2020 08:32

No children, only small lies and no cheating going on. We're in our late 20's. Never lived together, together 2 years.

I know its his money so can do what he likes. He said if we get back together we can always rebook and go together in the future some time. But for me if that happens the trip will alwats be tarnished by this. The room is so nice...but youve already seen it once. Ooh the food here is lovely..but you already know that because you came on your own once. Remember when you came on yiur own because we fell out.

I dont want a spa day, i dont feel like doing anything right now too sad. But i think we should both go or neither go. Its probably an irrational thought but thats how i feel about it. Both in the wrong and will not set us on the right foot if we do try again as there will be some slight resentment that he went without me.

OP posts:
Dontdisturbmenow · 16/02/2020 08:44

You seem to want full control of on how and when you should rebuild your relationship or not. It doesn't work like this. You've set yourself some parameters that suits you, ie. you go, if it does well you continue, if you feel it didn't you end for good.

He is entitled to have his own parameters too, and his involve taking more time. He is not ready to put himself in a position to decide if it is worth trying again.

Possibly that is the crux of the issue in your relationship, that you want to direct his feelings in accordance to his rather than respecting that you have your own emotions and that they might not always be the same at the same time.

In the end, if he isn't ready to consider rekindling the relationship, that weekend was never going to work out, so ultimately, not going together and rescheduling another week-end later was the right decision. You don't have to go to the same place.

mnthrowaway202020 · 16/02/2020 08:47

Sorry but you going with him was the WORST idea. You broke up. He wants space to decide what to do, you absolutely shouldn’t have been there. You have no friends and rely on him for all your social interaction but that’s not healthy.

CallMeOnMyCell · 16/02/2020 08:48

You both sound very immature.

NameChangeNugget · 16/02/2020 08:51

You’re coming across as quite controlling.

Everything seems to be on your terms. As for the spa break, flip this. If you’d paid, would you have gone?

MordredsOrrery · 16/02/2020 08:52

But for me if that happens the trip will alwats be tarnished by this. The room is so nice...but youve already seen it once. Ooh the food here is lovely..but you already know that because you came on your own once. Remember when you came on yiur own because we fell out.

OP I think this is something you need to work on with your therapist - get to a point where you can relinquish control a little and accept that his going separately ruins nothing.

If you do get back together and he wants to go there again, it'll be no different to millions of other couples where one takes the other back to somewhere they've enjoyed and want to share.

AlwaysCheddar · 16/02/2020 08:53

This relationship is over, deal with it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2020 08:55

You didn’t “fall out” though did you. You broke up. You’d been together two years, not living together, you both lie, your happily breach his privacy, you expect to dictate how he spends his tome even though you’ve broken up - none of this is normal, healthy or desirable. You need to be single, work on your issues which sound pretty serious, and leave him to his. You’re fixating on this spa break and you should be thinking about what you can learn so you don’t act like this in your next relationship. It’s not his fault you don’t have other people to spend time with. You both behaved badly and now you’re no longer together, how you each spend your weekends in your own business.

Polly111 · 16/02/2020 09:05

Sorry you’re going through this. Be kind to yourself and get lots of treats in and binge watch your favourite shows.

I can see why you’d be disappointed about the weekend, but it sounds like your bf isn’t sure if he wants to get back with you and forcing things won’t help. I’d just leave things with him for now if you’ve told him you want to get back together and try keep myself busy with something else that weekend.

If you do get back together you could go somewhere else that neither of you have been to, which should help with avoiding the resentment.

lilyheather1 · 16/02/2020 09:12

Are you sure the relationship is salvageable?

Popc0rn · 16/02/2020 09:16

What I'm going to say may sound harsh, but I mean it in a gentle way, and it's what I'd say to a friend in real life...

He's told you he needs space and time to think, so respect that and give him space and time to think. In your posts it comes across as though you (maybe without realising it) feel the need to control situations, like with checking his phone etc. If you chase him now you'll just push him away further. You can't resent him for going away on a trip that he has paid for, going away somewhere new during a hard time is very therapeutic and often gives you a new perspective on things, so I can totally understand why he'd want to go. You should think about booking your own solo trip maybe.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 16/02/2020 09:20

I really doubt he’s gone on his own sorry op. I think you need to move on Flowers

Weffiepops · 16/02/2020 09:23

Sounds like he doesn't want to try. In those circumstances I would have gone on my own too if you can't get a refund. You just sound jealous because you really wanted to go away.

itsapinkheart · 16/02/2020 10:08

You are just mad that he went ahead without you. You literally only waned to get back together so he would take you on the trip. As you said, it's tarnished now. Time to move on and have a fresh start.

BlueJava · 16/02/2020 10:14

Maybe he felt it was too soon and he wanted some head space. Maybe he's taken someone else. Either way I think you need to move on. It's not about a weekend away it's about the rest of your life (or at least the next few years). Give yourself a treat, dust yourself off and continue without him.

novacaneforthepain · 16/02/2020 10:20

I'd be pissed off he was going

But it does seem like this relationship isn't going to work

Shoxfordian · 16/02/2020 10:30

He doesn't want to get back together
Cut your losses and move on

ConkerGame · 16/02/2020 14:13

OP you’re trying to rush and force things. It would be silly for you both to go now, when he’s not ready to try again. Given that you can’t both go, it would be pointless for him to miss out on it after he’s paid for it, so I really don’t see a problem with him going. If you do get back together you can go on a different trip, you don’t have to go back to this exact same spa.

I think you’re obsessing over this one thing and it’s not healthy. If I were you I’d take a few months to learn to be on your own, to start to build your social circle and to fully think through whether this is the right relationship for you or whether you’ve just become dependent on this guy.