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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To confront friend or leave it?

29 replies

FeatheredThing · 15/02/2020 22:57

I was very close friends with someone. Best friends even. We were in daily contact, whether it was text, phone or in person. About six months ago I stopped hearing from him. Every week or so I’d text him to ask if he was alright and also asked if I’d done something to upset him. He claimed I hadn’t. Months have gone by and I haven’t seen him. Any text I send is responded to with a brief answer with no real room for a conversation. I left it about a month and again asked if I’d upset him, to which he said no. Today I asked him if he’d like to come shopping with me (we used to do this a lot) and he replied that he was busy, but didn’t elaborate other than to say it was ‘fun when we used to do it.’ Erm..

A few years ago he made a comment that suggested he liked me more than a friend, which I brushed off as a joke and our friendship continued as usual. Maybe he was more serious than I thought? I’ve also had some health issues which maybe he was fed up of. I’m grasping at straws.

I’m a bit hurt by the whole thing. WIBU to tell him this and try to get to the bottom of it or should I just accept he doesn’t want to speak to me for whatever reason and give up quietly?

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 15/02/2020 22:59

I think I'd stop messaging him altogether. You're setting yourself up for more hurt if you continue to push for a relationship that he doesn't seem to want anymore.

Doyoumind · 15/02/2020 23:01

I think he probably realises you are upset but he's made his decision that he doesn't want you as a friend anymore. I think you need to accept it. If he was going to change his mind, he probably would have by now.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/02/2020 23:01

Is it possible he's got a girlfriend he doesn't want you to know about for whatever reason?

Leeds2 · 15/02/2020 23:02

Stop contacting him. If he wants to get in touch, he will do.

oldfashionedtastingtea · 15/02/2020 23:11

He finally found himself a girlfriend and gave up on you.

WarmSausageTea · 16/02/2020 00:01

I don’t think you’re going to get any kind of satisfactory resolution from him. I’d stop contracting, delete his contact details, and move on.

Bridgetspants · 16/02/2020 06:46

Sadly, you have tried and not got to where you hoped you’d be. As hard as this may be, I think you need to accept that for whatever reason (which is is choosing not to share with you) he doesn’t want this friendship any more.

CSIblonde · 16/02/2020 06:53

He's probably with someone now, so doesn't want a female friend any more, either because she's filling all his time or, she'd not be happy with him having a close female friend. I'd leave it.

ShopoholicIn · 16/02/2020 06:59

I would try and talk to your friend OP but by the looks of it, be prepared to be disappointed as he doesn't seem to reciprocate your efforts at all. Once that's done, you would either have your answers or it would be a closed chapter..

cushioncovers · 16/02/2020 07:03

I'm guessing his either got a girlfriend or has decided he doesn't want to spend time with you anymore but can't bring himself to have that conversation with you.

KatherineJaneway · 16/02/2020 07:10

I'd give it up quietly.

Sounds like he was hoping for more than friendship with you and when it finally entered his head this wasn't going to happen, either something happened or he met someone else, then he walked away from the relationship.

I don't think you'd get a straight answer if you asked him to tell the truth. Best to leave it and reconcile with yourself that the friendship is over.

newnametime2020 · 16/02/2020 07:11

I’m dealing with my own dilemma of whether to confront someone or not, OP.

Ordinarily I’d always say it’s best to confront someone, get it all out there and try to get to the bottom of things so everyone can move on. This is how adults interact... in theory. However, I’m some cases doing so is pointless as you just end up getting a wishywashy answer, misplaced defensiveness or no response at all.

I suspect it will be pointless to confront your friend, but at least if you do you will know for sure that you have tried everything so you can now give up and move on.

newnametime2020 · 16/02/2020 07:12

*in some cases

Friendsofmine · 16/02/2020 07:14

Leave it be. He has realised it was hurting him pining after you and he has moved on.

redcarbluecar · 16/02/2020 07:24

Think if you’ve made a few attempt to reach out, you have to leave it. How hurtful though.

pictish · 16/02/2020 07:52

Never chase. You have clearly indicated your concern and interest in the friendship as a good friend would. There is no more you can or should do after that. He hasn’t reciprocated so you have no choice but to leave it. Anything else is chasing and puts you on the back foot.

I think it’s possible he has a new love interest or even a girlfriend so you no longer feature. Or it could be he’s just not that fussed any more.

Whatever it is, he’s not responding. I’d take the hint and stop contacting him. If you have to convince someone to be your friend, they aren’t.

Original poster

FeatheredThing · 16/02/2020 08:25

I don’t think he has a girlfriend. I think it all coincided with me getting a boyfriend on reflection. I remembered that he once had a random outburst at me because apparently I was talking about my new bf too much, even though he was the one to raise the subject. He was very apologetic but it was never the same after that. He also used to joke that he didn’t get why I didn’t consider him as a love interest. Maybe it wasn’t a joke. He’s nearly 30 years my senior so of course had never seen him that way.

Thanks for your responses. I’ll leave it and I think I’ll delete his number so I’m not tempted to contact him. He can still always contact me. It makes me sad but friends come and go I guess.

OP posts:

SerenDippitty · 16/02/2020 09:24

He has been romantically interested in you from the start and now feels he has made a complete fool of himself. You sound rather insensitive and lacking in self awareness, I would leave him be for both your sakes.

Original poster

FeatheredThing · 16/02/2020 09:45

Cheers for that simplistic analysis based on a tiny snapshot of a long friendship. In future I’ll make sure to take extra care to be sensitive to the intentions of male friends 30 years my senior who may or may not have a romantic interest in me because they made a couple of comments in a jokey manner. Sick of women having to take responsibility for men’s behaviour.

OP posts:

BlackCatSleeping · 16/02/2020 09:53

I don’t think he has a girlfriend. I think it all coincided with me getting a boyfriend on reflection.

I actually thought the same as the PP. I also thought you are coming across as insensitive and completely lacking in self-awareness. The exact same words.

But, I don't understand why you are posting if you don't want people to give opinions.

HugoSpritz · 16/02/2020 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrinnyPree · 16/02/2020 09:58

He wanted you romantically and basically thought he'd nice guy his way into your affections, you got a boyfriend and he took that as a bloody nose and obviously had no intentions of just being friends with you since he has now ceased contact. He also potentially sounds a bit creepy sniffing round someone 30 years younger than him depending on how old you are OP. Xxx

Original poster

FeatheredThing · 16/02/2020 10:22

I don’t think insensitive is fair. I tried very hard to find out what the problem was so I could try to resolve it. I care about him a lot. Naive is probably more apt as I never believed he could seriously be interested in me. If that was indeed the case (and I’m still not entirely convinced) then he could have discussed it with me properly. He talked about women, I talked about men. It was a normal friendship. For me to have raised the (possibly non)issue with him could have caused all sorts of embarrassment. It really was for him to raise it with me, if it was an issue.

Anyway, I’m quietly ending the friendship as I mentioned in an earlier post. Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

Pol16 · 16/02/2020 10:35

Sounds like he’s just trying to protect himself. Communicating with you and being with you obviously hurts him because he now knows there’s no future in it for him. I’ve known men who don’t see a thirty year age gap as being a problem. It’s not that he doesn’t like you any more, but that in order to survive, he has had to cut you off completely.

BlackCatSleeping · 16/02/2020 10:40

I more meant that he has been making it very clear for sometime that for whatever reason he wants to end the friendship, but you haven't accepted that. I get it's hurtful, but things change. It seems like he was less interested in friendship and more interested in something else.

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