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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I send this letter?

53 replies

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 15/02/2020 22:30

I haven't seen my dad since I was a baby. I only know what my mum has told me about him. I've wrestled with the idea of contacting him for 20 years. He isn't ex directory and his address is traceable. He's twenty years older than my mum and it's getting to now or never territory.
Mum is a narcissist who lies about many things. She changed my surname shortly after I was born and I now wonder if it was to hide me from my father. She has always told me he didn't want me and yet he paid generous maintenance for me until I was 21.

He's from Egypt and I know nothing about my heritage, despite being dark haired and eyed and olive skinned.

I'm terrified of rejection and also terrified of him dying without me ever having answers.

I've drafted this letter. AIBU to send it?

Should I send this letter?
OP posts:
Cameron2012 · 15/02/2020 22:33

Send the letter, and good luck xx

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 15/02/2020 22:37

Thank you. I know logically it makes sense. I don't want to be rejected.

OP posts:
Iliketonamechangealot9876542 · 15/02/2020 22:38

Send it as you will always think, what if!

Whatever the outcome may be at least you will then be able to move forward.

Herpesfreesince03 · 15/02/2020 22:40

Send it

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 15/02/2020 22:41

Have I expressed myself well? It's a hard thing to express.

OP posts:
QOD · 15/02/2020 22:42

Send it

forkfun · 15/02/2020 22:42

Send it. But don't be so apologetic in it. You don't need to apologise to contact your own father.

Daftodil · 15/02/2020 22:42

Yes, send. Good luck 🍀

aibutohavethisusername · 15/02/2020 22:43

Definitely send it.

FluffyLamkins · 15/02/2020 22:43

Send it. Although I’d not put the last sentence in about contact on his terms. I’d not hand him such power - you deserve a respectful two way contact if it’s ongoing.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 15/02/2020 22:44

I'm just so British. Apologies are in my natureGrin

OP posts:
WarmSausageTea · 15/02/2020 22:44

The letter reads as rather apologetic to me. I’d drop the bit at the end about being sorry to intrude (you said sorry earlier), and say that you are happy to correspond ‘however you prefer’ rather than ‘on your terms’. If you’re going to have contact, it should be as equals.

But the most important thing is for the letter to reflect your thoughts in your words, so be guided by that and send what’s right for you.

Good luck.

hellywelly3 · 15/02/2020 22:45

Send it

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 15/02/2020 22:45

I think my mum and grandmother were pretty vile to him and I suspect that is why he walked away. That's why I'm apologetic and I also am ok with having answers but no relationship.

OP posts:
SEE123 · 15/02/2020 22:45

I think you have written a beautiful letter. It's really composed and very much leaves the door open for him in a non threatening way. I would definitely send it. I hope you get the answers you are looking for, and if not, some peace knowing that you tried. Thanks

FluffyLamkins · 15/02/2020 22:46

I would also remove information about your children and partner if I was you. Keep it short perhaps. And agree with pp. don’t apologise so much. Good luck Flowers

Sparklesocks · 15/02/2020 22:46

I think send it, but just try and fully prepare yourself that you might not get the response you want - or a response at all. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 15/02/2020 22:46

I feel bad sending a letter to his address too. But Facebook isn't the right way to do this and I'm not sure he uses it.

OP posts:
SEE123 · 15/02/2020 22:47

I like what @WarmSausageTea said about the however you prefer part

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 15/02/2020 22:47

I want him to know he has grandchildren.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 15/02/2020 22:48

Yes I agree, however you prefer sounds betterSmile

OP posts:
tabletray · 15/02/2020 22:48

Yes I would send it. I would remove the offer to give pics of your children. Mention them by all means but you wouldn't give pictures of your children to a stranger, if he wants to get to know you then there will be time for that in the future.

OntheWaves40 · 15/02/2020 22:50

I would not put so much information in at this stage. I would ascertain if he was interested first. Paying maintenance isn’t enough, your mum being a narcissist isn’t an excuse for his terrible behaviour, I wouldn’t give this guy time of day and I wouldn’t worry about unanswered questions, we all have those no matter what our backgrounds, things are only important if you make them so.

Itwasntme1 · 15/02/2020 22:53

It’s a lovely letter. I can’t imagine any circumstances which would justify him not being part of your life, and In your position I would feel bitter.

I think your letter is full of warmth and acceptance. However, be prepared to feel differently if you do meet him.

I hope you get the answers you deserve.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 15/02/2020 22:53

He wasn't on my birth certificate, it was the 80s but I think he may have gone to court. I suspect she made it fairly difficult and it isn't necessarily a case if him just bring an arse. I have spent most of my life thinking he's an arse, but I've come to realise he may not have had much choice.

OP posts: