Should I send this letter?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I haven't seen my dad since I was a baby. I only know what my mum has told me about him. I've wrestled with the idea of contacting him for 20 years. He isn't ex directory and his address is traceable. He's twenty years older than my mum and it's getting to now or never territory.
Mum is a narcissist who lies about many things. She changed my surname shortly after I was born and I now wonder if it was to hide me from my father. She has always told me he didn't want me and yet he paid generous maintenance for me until I was 21.

He's from Egypt and I know nothing about my heritage, despite being dark haired and eyed and olive skinned.

I'm terrified of rejection and also terrified of him dying without me ever having answers.

I've drafted this letter. AIBU to send it?

You are right to keep an open mind - there are two sides to every story.

However in the eighties surely he would have got some visitation? Just be careful you don’t go from believing everything your mother told you to believing everything your father might tell you.

I think my mum and grandmother were pretty vile to him and I suspect that is why he walked away. That's why I'm apologetic and I also am ok with having answers but no relationship.

Go in with an open slate as you don't actually know what happened, and even if they were horrible to him, that's nothing to do with you. I think you should definitely send it, rather than live a life wishing you had. I really hope you get answers. Good luck.

my mum and grandmother were pretty vile to him and I suspect that is why he walked away. That's why I'm apologetic

But it isn’t you that needs to apologise, so don’t. Definately send a letter, don’t put where you live, save that for further contact. I hope you get the answers you deserve.

Your letter is excellent though as others have said the bit about ‘on your terms’ needs to be revisited. Perhaps ‘in a way that you are comfortable with’?
Also, since he is likely to be Muslim, I’d leave the dogs out of it for now.

From what I know of him he is not a practising Muslim - drinks alcohol, eats pork etc, but he is culturally Muslim at least so I take your point on the dogs.

Sent a similar type of letter to my dad, who I'd never had any contact with. He responded positively and although we don't especially keep in touch now it's given me a real sense of closure.

I'm glad I sent it, I think not doing so would have left me with a big sense of regret.

Best of luck with it!

Good luck 💐

I would take out where you live.

Good luck lovely!
As an aside, don't leave out the bits about your dogs. Don't hide bits about yourself that you worry he may not like! You are you and you really deserve answers. I hope you get what you want out of this and wish you all the best.

I would remove a lot of the personal information and you apologise too much, as if you're sorry you're here honestly, I would cut it by about two thirds and just briefly mention your children then focus it on whether he wants to get in touch. I'd also try and keep a little control by suggesting the best way tbh... A letter, an initial call or meeting, and see where it goes. That way you're less exposed and more in control of it turns out being in touch isn't a good idea after all, once you know more of his side of the story. At the moment it's very "heart exposed" and you've offered this unconditionally...

I’ve sent many letters and photos ,and been rejected every time ,
Don’t regret it as at least I know
A ,I tried
B ,he’s a twat

Send the letter, but I agree with others it’s too apologetic and you’re giving away too much information about yourself at the start.

You seem to have convinced yourself that your mum and grandmother pushed him away, but you really don’t know what happened and I think you need to be prepared in case he’d just decided to walk away.

Does your mum know you’ve tracked him down?

Please send it. You have a lovely family to fall back on if you never hear from him. But will regret it forever if you never try to make contact and find things out

Send the letter
I hope he replies
I like the personal touches x x
Good luck

I also thought it was too apologetic. You can acknowledge that things might have been difficult for him, but that really wasn’t your fault.

It's a well written letter.

Other than to remove pictures of your children ( these can be shared if/when you meet and you will be able to see his face when he sees them .. again , if) then you must send that letter.
You need answers and/or closure.
Best wishes OP.

I think it’s much too apologetic. And I don’t like the first sentence either. I would be more matter of fact. Also you are blaming your mother in the letter. This offers him an angle to accept straight away. I would leave it more ambiguous and allow him to answer. Don’t write the story for him. It may be that your mother stopped his contact. It may not. I hope you get some answers.

I would change the first sentence and I wouldn't send any photos just yet;
''This is a difficult letter to write, but I have many unanswered questions. I believe I may be your daughter.''
Best of luck!

I would definitely take out the criticism of your mother in the 1st paragraph.

Rightly or wrongly it makes you sound bitter and your request more complex than that you simply wanted to reach out to him; it sounds like you are doing it to get back at her.

I think it's perfect, you've written it so well and our portrays you in a very kind way.
I wouldn't send pictures though, good luck 🤞

*it

Thank you, there's a lot to think about. I'm not at all bitter and the line about my mother is not intended as a criticism, simply an observation.

Send it op but be prepared for the fact that he might not reply. You need your dp to support you. But send it. At least then you know youve done all you can. Good luck x

I am still uncertain if I can bring myself to send it, despite a unanimous response on here that I should.