Feel uneasy about friends wife

[onelast]

Met him about 3 years ago via hobby. Met her for the first time before Xmas (probably November time). Friendly with him but not unusually so. Hang out within a group once every couple of months. See each other as part of hobby twice a week usually. Nothing untoward.

Now the strange part. I keep seeing her everywhere! I saw her walking the dog opposite my home (live overlooking a big park area - she would have to drive around 20 mins to get here) then again at a restaurant in a hotel that hobby group meet at quite often and most recently in the car park where I work. This is all within the last couple of weeks.

Friend has made comments in passing on nights out about her being quite possessive and insecure and mentioned recently that she thinks he's having an affair (to explain why he hasn't been as active with the hobby since xmas). Now I am worried she thinks I am OW and is scoping me out.

AIBU to feel unsettled by this?

I think the park and around town could be coincidences - she might always be around there but you wouldn’t have seen her before as you didn’t know her (if that makes sense, like you don’t notice how many yellow cars are on the road until you buy one sort of thing)

The work thing is odd but again dependant entirely on where you work - small building with less than 50 employees is weird, large building with hundreds of employees then again she’s probably been before you just didn’t see her cos you didn’t know her.

I’d mention it breezily to her dp next time you meet in a “isn’t it a small world, x must know someone I work with” kind of way.

You should be able to gauge from his reaction if it’s genuinely coincidence or if she’s following you.

You only have his word for it that the wife is paranoid and/or insecure. In any case, there might be a very good reason for her thinking like that. Or she may actually be paranoid. Either way, she's clearly suspicious, so backing right off (at least temporarily) and putting some clean air between yourself and her DH seems like a fairly sensible option at the moment.

If you weren't close enough to speak on two occasions are you sure it was actually her and not just someone very similar?

Have you posted about this before?

There was a similar thread about a woman in a ‘hobby group’ causing problems. What are these hobby groups?

I would definitely tell my husband about this, if only in a this is a weird thing to keep happening. We might find it interesting/funny, he would not get worried and vice versa. I would want a bit of support in case it did turn odder.

It's a sad day where we have to be careful of being seen to be talking with the opps sex and it being taken the wrong way. However, some people have far too much time on their hands and in their head, all sorts of scenarios and stories start to emerge as to what other people might be doing.

Frankly, I would be wary of her and I would be mentioning something verbally to her OH (not via text or messenger) about her popping up at these places. It's quite likely you may not have noticed her before, but its equally quite likely she is stalking you.

I would clear the air with him. he will either know why she was when she was, or have no idea whatsoever, which in my opinion, gives substance to the stalking theory.

I would certainly discuss this with your OH too. Forewarned is forearmed.

I’d be wary of her putting some sort of tracking device on my car or something (honestly! How does she know where you work and how did she manage to turn up at that restaurant when you were there).
So odd!

Has he got an iPhone ? We have all our i phones connected on the cloud so I have a good idea of my DH whereabouts.

^ ditto @Jellybeansincognito was just about to say what if she put a tracker on your car!!

Christ! Conspiracy theories alive and well. Chances are you were in one of HER favourite restaurants. Had you not met her, you'd have no choice idea she was your friend's jealous, possessive wife. She could be walking her dogs in that park for months/years. 20 minute drive to a nice place to walk dogs wouldn't be unheard of.

Real life tends to be more simple and the things we imagine are happening are rarely what's actually happening at all. Mention it to your husband, but I think he'll think you're slightly mad and massively over thinking it. Mention it to your friend if you must, but it might just "prove" to him how jealous and possessive she is.

If we're throwing out conspiracy theories, maybe your friend enjoys making his wife feel insecure. Maybe he's feeding her stories to keep he guessing. Maybe he enjoys the feeling that she's jealous, and maybe he's using you to fuel that feeling.

Either way, if I thought for a second my presence was causing an issue in someone's marriage, I don't think I'd cut my friendship altogether, but I certainly would not be putting myself in a position to be labeled as the reason a marriage is in trouble.

It's either a coincidence or he is having an affair and you have been put forward by him, to throw her off the scent.

That's what a lot of cheating men do. They make it look like they are having an affair with someone who they see completely innocently, so their spouse puts all their energy into checking that out. It frees up the man to carry on with the OW.

I think your lives have always overlapped - or overlap due to your friend - friend will obviously have told his wife about the restaurant where he goes with his hobby group, presumably if you go there regularly it's a nice place to go, so totally normal that she would also go there separately with her friends. Similarly she could always have walked her dog at the park, or perhaps when your friend was doing you off one time he saw it and thought that looks like a nice place to walk the dog and told his wife about it.

I don't think what's changed its that you're suddenly crossing paths, I think you've always crossed paths, what's changed its note you recognise her you notice it.

That's definitely weird. Next time give her a little wave so she knows you have seen here.

Don't watch You on Netflix 🥴

I think these are coincidences.
What I find it most weird is her DH telling you such personal stuff about his own wife, that she is possessive and the rest of it. I don’t think it’s nice to talk about a spouse like that, even if it were true, it shows a lack of loyalty. He might be the one stirring the pot with you!
I wouldn’t bother mentioning anything to anyone about your sightings. You did nothing so there’s nothing to talk about. I would, however, not interact to this friend at all outside of the hobby time so no SM, no texts,, no lifts, no emails, nothing. He’s not you best mate so you don’t need to invest in a friendship when you might be thrown in the middle of a family drama.

Agree with 2 or 3 others. The bloke is not coming out of this very well at all. Back away from him.

Really you should feel uneasy about him , not her. He's the one calling his wife possessive, letting you know she thinks he's having an affair, etc. He's fishing to see if you're up for an affair.
If your response is to tell him you think his DW is stalking you then you're playing right into his hands.
Don't say anything to him and keep your distance.

Maybe you notice her more now that you've met her?

"He's the one calling his wife possessive, letting you know she thinks he's having an affair, etc. He's fishing to see if you're up for an affair."

Or he's setting the scene so no one believes her and her behaviour is totally unreasonable.

It does happen. I had a similar experience with a work colleague. There was a small group of us from the department who were good friends & drinking buddies. His wife was sure he was having an affair and honed in on me as the guilty party as the only woman in the group - so bit awkward! Unfortunately she was right that he was having an affair, just not with me. A woman from another department...

Friend has made comments in passing on nights out about her being quite possessive and insecure and mentioned recently that she thinks he's having an affair

What a prince. Sounds like someone laying the foundations for "my wife doesn't understand me".

This. I'd stop the lifts home with him. He sounds like a bit of a creep to me.

The car park one would be a massive coincidence. Unlikely she happens to have a friend work there who she was going to visit (especially in work hours?)

I agree with your idea to speak to your friend, and your DH if you don't think it'd make him worry that you were upto something.

Well you're seeing each other twice a week and at social events, giving each other lifts and having personal conversations about his relationship with his wife. Maybe something has set her spidey senses tingling.

May well be a coincidence but yes it would creep me out. I would just ignore it though. Maybe share what you saw and how you feel with your hubby, but beyond that I wouldn't do anything. You don't have to own other people's problems.

OP I would definitely talk to your husband about this and let him know what's been going on.
This woman seems unhinged and you've every right to be feeling concerned. I wouldn't particularly say you're in danger but it'll certainly make you feel uneasy.
As suggested by others, it may be a huge coincidence but to be honest this would set off alarm bells ringing for me. I'd be having a quiet chat with your friend and mention you've seen his wife around in odd places.
Good luck OP!! X