Is he lying?

[UserR]

Hi all

I'm going to show this to my DH to gain others opinions because apparently I am the ONLY woman on the planet that thinks the way I do.

Long story cut short, he has said that he stopped taking cocaine ten years ago, due to him lying and doing it behind my back for many years.

Anyway fast forward ten years, we have 2 children and every time I get anxiety about it he reassured me he's stopped.

He has a friend who used to do it with him, and who he's been still seeing these past ten years, fair enough, I was told I had to trust that even if the friend does it he doesn't.

I had asked him when he's seen him if his friend still does it, he always claimed he doesn't know etc etc. And even if he does I should trust him etc etc. But they never even speak about it blah blah.

Today I used his phone for something and I saw a message from this friend basically saying that he's been off the gear 2 weeks cause the kids have been in, but from next Friday he's got a house full of coke again. The message initiated that my husband should come over.

I started shaking and confronted him about why he's saying that and that he's lied to me all this time.
Huge argument later, (I was speaking calmly but he started shouting getting defensive) he's got nothing to prove to me after ten years, that he's been telling the truth and he doesn't care what I think anymore because after all this time I should trust him.

Funny how 2 people who have been friends for all this time should then know he doesn't do it anymore, so why would he message him that?????

Apparently I'm twisted in my thinking and I'm the only woman on the planet that would accuse him. And that everyone else wouldn't have batted an eyelid because they should "know their husband!"

So, AIBU?

You are not being unreasonable. That looks like a clear invitation from his shit-for-brains mate. I am almost certain he’s lying to you.

Offer him the chance to complete an at-home coke drug test if he’s so innocent. Then he can prove it to you. You can buy them online. I guarantee he’ll refuse and say he shouldn’t have to...

Sounds like you really do know him. Lying twat.

Yes, he's lying. Claiming to 'not know' if his mate is still at it, when he clearly is and the message makes clear he's comfortably talking openly about it with DH, is already a clear lie, so it's highly likely there's more.

I think (hope) I'd know if my DH was a habitual coke user.

He was lying and doing it behind your back for years - so he has form. Is his behaviour now similar?

Is he out all the time? Staying out late/all night? Spending loads of money?

His mate clearly thinks he'd be up for it. Why is that?

The home detection kits will only show up if he's taken coke in the last 24 hours.

Thank you for the responses.
I just feel so upset and he has no intention of comforting me at all because every time I try to speak about it he gets angry, as HES the one that's been targeting and I'm just accusing him of lying the past ten years, he has such a difficult wife and life.

In response to the PP, the only time I think his behaviour is different is after seeing this friend, but every time I confront him I get told I should trust him and he would never do it again.

He just does not understand how I feel after seeing that message, and is so ANGRY for me even asking about the txt.

Apparently any normal woman wouldn't even question their husbands and just trust them.

He's a liar and a cokehead. Surely you deserve more than this nonsense peddled by a bullshitter?

Send the police over to his friends house.

I couldn't believe him after that message. Sorry.

You’re married to a druguser. He’s a cokehead. He never quit. He might not use as much as he once did, but he’s still using.

As your dh is undoubtedly lying through his teeth telling the truth, I'm sure he won't object to putting your mind at rest by undergoing a hair strand test for drugs this month and every month for the next year.

He said his friend never messages him like that. That he was probably drunk and wanted to be funny, something like that.

He’s angry because you’ve found out he’s still using drugs. He’s a liar, you know it, he knows it.......

Instead of being angry at you, he should be the one offering to show his innocence by undergoing hair strand tests or whatever it is you do. But he can’t do that, can he - so he is blaming you for not being a normal wife.
Still, I would not have said anything about the text, but would have showed it to the police and they could have had extra guests next Friday and onwards..

Your husband is a dickhead and a pathetic idiot.

Yes he's a liar.
And is never going to admit it
And will make out it's your problem
And that it's you screwing everything up
The question is have you got the strength to do something now, or will you hang in there hoping it will get better

His anger is your answer.

Had this with an ex and cannabis, he 'stopped' for 6 months then a mate wandered up to him in the pub when I was there and commented on what they'd smoked the previous weekend. People who want to take drugs will, and they'll do anything to carry on. Especially if they don't understand why drug taking is an issue- if there's no motivation to stop on their part, they're very likely to just lie instead.

Furthermore, he is gaslighting you making out that you're in the wrong for not trusting him. If he's lied to you previously about this then IMO it doesn't matter how long it's been, he needs to be accountable for what's made you (rightly) concerned in the here and now.

From my previous experience of using and dating a coke head I’d say lying.

Sounds like he’s on it all the time tbh. How often does he see his friend

Not saying your husband is necessarily an addict, but it is textbook addict behaviour to make the person who's worried / asking questions feel guilty and also to fly into a rage. It signals guilt on his part and is being used as a diversion tactic. I'd do a hair test on him and when it comes back positive, demand he never see that friend again or you will divorce him. You may also want to consider doing a test once a month for the next three, to see how regular the use is (or maybe you're confident it's only when he sees his friend, in which case is this a frequency you can handle? I think the occasional usage - every few months - is maybe not a huge deal but I understand everyone has different opinions).

I don't know what the solution will be if / when you find out he's lying, as he'll say you've broken his trust by doing it, but he broke your trust by lying to you about drug use and then lying again. And again, if he was acting decently he would apologise and try to make amends. If he doesn't, it may show more of a problem than you realise as he's prioritising drug use over you.

I'm sorry. This is an awful situation. Don't let him gaslight you. Your instincts are correct.

His angry defensive attitude says it all! Massive list

I don’t believe for a second that he has no idea if his mate does coke when they go out when they ‘used’ to do it together. That simply isn’t true. You’d know.

I’d be 99% sure he was lying. In that situation I am comfortable with saying that I believe you are lying. If you can prove to me that you are not lying I will gladly apologise.

He won’t because he can’t. He will get more angry and defensive.

Of course he’s lying. YANBU. Why else would his mate tell him to come over to a house full of gear?

He’s 100000% lying. You’re right and he’s making you out to be ridiculous because that’s easier for him than admitting the truth. Classic behaviour of someone who is lying!!!