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Original poster

Divorcing him

46 replies

WhoAmIToTellYou · 15/02/2020 14:27

Posting this here for more traffic..
Hi all.
Having an absolutely shitty day here. Been with husband 11 years, 2 kids. Been to relate 3 times. He was absolute shit when first was born, disappearing after work to strip clubs, not helping at all at home. Stayed together because of kids.
Latest stint is he’s been out of work for the past 7 months, took out 30k loan for building up his own business. We’ve been surviving on his savings and i cut out all but essential spending completely. We are now 2 months away from not being able to pay for all outgoings- childcare, home, etc. Business still not providing anywhere near enough. He won’t have any of my questions regarding this. I cannot sleep at night thinking how we are going to go on. Every time i ask about plan B he gets angry and shouting match happens. He claims im not helping him. This is with me having full time full on job, doing all the cleaning etc. Apparently i dont help enough.
Every weekend is just horrid. Same today. We were yelling at each other just earlier. I once again suggested divorce- i honestly dont see a way out, he hates my questions because he doesnt want to get a job, wants to keep trying with business. My salary is just not enough to cover all and im worried sick that he’ll be taking out more loans behind my back. He had a good job before bringing in good money and i feel he is being unreasonable putting us into this position.
My son then kicked off and i had an argument with him - not proud of that. I’m at a loss here and so stressed out. Our relationship was never great with dh and latest financial worries are just too much and are exposing all the cracks (massive cracks).
I seriously consider to just filing the papers for divorce as im worried about loans etc fucking up my situation as well.
I should probably talk so someone but not sure who- solicitor? I need to find out potential financial impact of all of this on me. It’s horrible but he seems to care more about calling himself a managing director and keeping the face than any of what i say.

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 15/02/2020 17:24

He sounds pathetic, selfish, immature, ignorant and a fucking nightmare to be married to. Strip clubs when he had a newborn?! What kind of a failure of a father can justify that behaviour in his own mind?! Ugh. That sort of thing gives me rage.

You’re carrying the family and he is blaming you for all the things.

I hope you find a way to get away from him and to build a life that is all your own and your children’s. Good luck x

TaniaArse · 15/02/2020 17:27

Not much practical advice, but that sounds shit, and he's a 22ct wankbadger.

Hope you're ok @WhoAmIToTellYou Flowers

Queenoftheashes · 15/02/2020 17:32

What @Winterwoollies said.

Pumpkinpie1 · 15/02/2020 17:41

Do you love him enough to keep trying?
Are you together because you care about him or because you are too stuck to change ?
Whatever you choose won’t be easy but I think you know things can’t go on like this for all your sakes x

fromnowhere · 15/02/2020 17:47

Sorry, I have no advice, but wanted to add some support. It sounds like it will be hard, but the right thing to do to forge a path away from this man. You have tried counselling, so I would just get legal advice and start planning to get away.

AJPTaylor · 15/02/2020 17:58

What do you have? Equity in the house?

billy1966 · 15/02/2020 18:13

OP, you have a plan, cut your losses and get away from this waster who thinks his ego is more important than his family.

God help youFlowers

Original poster
WhoAmIToTellYou · 15/02/2020 18:13

I dont love him, we never recovered from the stripclub episodes and also him trying to see a prostitute at least once (that i know of). He reckons i never forgave him- i didnt because things never got any better, there’s no affection, talk, we haven’t had sex for last 6 years since 2nd was conceived. I stayed because of kids and finances but with financial security removed there’s nothing left. He is always angry, walking around muttering to himself in anger and refuses to understand it affects me. So much more. Im just done and dead towards him. Im only 39 too.
We have equity and i believe i could buy him out but that would mean extending the mortgage term to 20 odd years. I need to see a solicitor, right?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 15/02/2020 18:17

You need to see a solicitor. Get a recommendation.

You can do this.
It's over.
You are still a young woman.
39 is no age.
Protect yourself and move on.Flowers

Original poster
WhoAmIToTellYou · 15/02/2020 18:18

We’ve been here before, planning a split, he avoids talking about it so i forced him and tried to see the positives, that we are perhaps not too bad and should try again. Today he threw that into my face that supposedly he was going to go but it was me who stopped him and asked him not to go. It’s always my fault.
I think im depressed- can depression manifest as anger? I don’t get hopelessness and helplessness but get permanently angry. I think i need to see a gp too as it’s spilling out into my relationship with son who is 10.

OP posts:
Bringonspring · 15/02/2020 18:19

Starting your business is beyond stressful and many Underestimate the undertaking. I imagine your husband is probably as stressed as you are and not wanting to admit it’s failing. I guess my advice depends on your intentions. Have you tried to work through the business with him? Eg helping him understand cash flows/marketing/sales etc?

I know you’re frustrated but it will be better for your husband to conclude his business has failed, you telling him his a failure and needs to get a job (whilst this might be true) it probably isn’t helping.

Even if you do want a divorcee it’s also in your interest to get him with an income

MissConductUS · 15/02/2020 18:20

Yes, see a solicitor soonest. It gets really complicated when there are kids.

Nat6999 · 15/02/2020 18:20

See a solicitor without telling him, get all your information sorted, bank statements, passports, birth & marriage certificates etc. Check your credit file online to make sure that you haven't been landed with any of the loans & also check that he hasn't used your home as security. Work out if you can afford to buy him out or if you need to sell up. Do everything before you tell him you are filing for divorce & want him to leave.

Happygirl79 · 15/02/2020 18:21

Why are you still with him when the marriage is obviously dead?

Bringonspring · 15/02/2020 18:21

It could be depression, it could be your stressed it could be anxiety or could be all 3. Financial worries will put a huge amount of pressure on your family. My suggestion would be to sort finances, can you remortgage, ask for a payment break? Banks are more accomondating to helping before you run out of cash

Original poster
WhoAmIToTellYou · 15/02/2020 18:23

Meant to say i also have a quite decent job with 46k but we’re in south east and it doest feel like much.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 15/02/2020 18:36

Depression frequently manifests as anger.

BaolFan · 15/02/2020 18:49

Solicitor first thing on Monday.

Over this weekend ask around (discreetly) for recommendation. Even friends who aren't divorced will probably have a friend or family member who is. Also you need to get your hands on important documents - birth and marriage certs, bank and pension statements etc. Keep them somewhere safe along with the children's passports.

You need a solicitor who will take no shit, but get you through this in the quickest and most efficient way possible.

The sooner you file, the sooner you can list a date of separation which will draw a financial line in the sand between you.

Good luck.

CrazyToast · 15/02/2020 18:50

Sounds awful, you would be much happier and better off without this guy. File for divorce.

Pumpkinpie1 · 15/02/2020 22:03

6 years you’ve been living like this? It sounds horrific.
I don’t think you would be lonelier being single than what you are now x
It’s not a healthy environment for the kids to grow up in, a Mum and dad who dislike each other & are miserable .
I think you’ve been floundering for years & need to jump ship x

billy1966 · 15/02/2020 22:10

Oh OP, anger is absolutely a marker of depression.

Please read @Nat6999 again.
You need to do this now.

Weenurse · 15/02/2020 22:17

See solicitor and GP.
Get documents ready, open separate account if you don’t already have one.
Make lists about what to do next.
Once all ducks sorted, confront him and make plans.
Good luck 💐

Original poster
WhoAmIToTellYou · 15/02/2020 22:17

Yes, i totally agree that it’s time. I had numerous threads on here before (different name) but wasn’t emotionally quite ready. There was hurt, pain, hope, confusion, some emotion. That’s all gone, im just dead inside now, sure sign anything is better than this.
It is toxic and way more toxic than putting kids through divorce i think.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoAmIToTellYou · 15/02/2020 22:23

It’s been 10 years with him, never had a normal relationship. We were limping along, thats all

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoAmIToTellYou · 15/02/2020 22:24

Nat66 outlines my plan basically. It will be hard but this life with no hope is worse

OP posts: