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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Divorcing him

46 replies

WhoAmIToTellYou · 15/02/2020 14:27

Posting this here for more traffic..
Hi all.
Having an absolutely shitty day here. Been with husband 11 years, 2 kids. Been to relate 3 times. He was absolute shit when first was born, disappearing after work to strip clubs, not helping at all at home. Stayed together because of kids.
Latest stint is he’s been out of work for the past 7 months, took out 30k loan for building up his own business. We’ve been surviving on his savings and i cut out all but essential spending completely. We are now 2 months away from not being able to pay for all outgoings- childcare, home, etc. Business still not providing anywhere near enough. He won’t have any of my questions regarding this. I cannot sleep at night thinking how we are going to go on. Every time i ask about plan B he gets angry and shouting match happens. He claims im not helping him. This is with me having full time full on job, doing all the cleaning etc. Apparently i dont help enough.
Every weekend is just horrid. Same today. We were yelling at each other just earlier. I once again suggested divorce- i honestly dont see a way out, he hates my questions because he doesnt want to get a job, wants to keep trying with business. My salary is just not enough to cover all and im worried sick that he’ll be taking out more loans behind my back. He had a good job before bringing in good money and i feel he is being unreasonable putting us into this position.
My son then kicked off and i had an argument with him - not proud of that. I’m at a loss here and so stressed out. Our relationship was never great with dh and latest financial worries are just too much and are exposing all the cracks (massive cracks).
I seriously consider to just filing the papers for divorce as im worried about loans etc fucking up my situation as well.
I should probably talk so someone but not sure who- solicitor? I need to find out potential financial impact of all of this on me. It’s horrible but he seems to care more about calling himself a managing director and keeping the face than any of what i say.

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 15/02/2020 22:25

Anything you think he may be possessive or destructive over, belongings, jewellery, furniture, cars etc try & get as much as you can away before he finds out you are divorcing him, "sell" things to a trusted friend or relation, it only needs to be pennies & "buy" them back when things are sorted. Make sure you have plenty of cash & if you can take your share of any joint accounts before he gets chance to empty them, open a new current account for yourself & ask the bank to put a marker on all your accounts in case he tries to get credit in joint names.

WhoAmIToTellYou · 15/02/2020 22:26

Need to get kids photos, currently they sit on a drive in his office

OP posts:
WhoAmIToTellYou · 15/02/2020 22:27

I’ve been thinking off getting a locker in one of those self store places and start stocking things there. He’s not violent but who knows

OP posts:
billy1966 · 15/02/2020 22:31

Again great advice from@Nat6999CakeStar👍

Nat6999 · 15/02/2020 23:04

I've been through a divorce & got screwed, I learned a lot.

Weenurse · 15/02/2020 23:14

💐

MissConductUS · 15/02/2020 23:34

"sell" things to a trusted friend or relation, it only needs to be pennies & "buy" them back when things are sorted.

Talk to a family law solicitor before doing any of these things. It could be construed as concealing assets in the run up to the divorce which looks very bad indeed in court.

Nat6999 · 16/02/2020 00:13

Anything that happens before separation is ignored, it is only once you start with the separation that the courts are interested, she would be doing nothing wrong with getting rid of belongings before she tells him she wants a divorce. For all she knows he could have remortgaged the house without her consent.

WhoAmIToTellYou · 16/02/2020 00:16

Nat6999, im interested in your story if you dont mind sharing

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 16/02/2020 12:18

Anything that happens before separation is ignored, it is only once you start with the separation that the courts are interested

Divorce Assets: Don’t Try To Hide Them

Nat6999 · 16/02/2020 14:10

I left my husband in 2010, two weeks after he raped me. He threatened to burn the house down with me & ds who was only 6 at the time in it, he lit all the burners on the hob & threatened to start throwing tea towels on it. Ds dialled 999 I got to the phone & told the operator it was a mistake but they sent the police to check we were ok, in the time from the phone call to the police arriving I had snatched a few clothes & things, stuffed them in a bag, the police helped me & ds who was clutching his pet hamster in his cage to the car & we spent the night in a travelodge, exh found out where we were & spent the night outside constantly texting me, the staff refused him entry. Eventually he disappeared, the morning after we went to my mum's, I went up to the house to try & get more clothes & belongings, exh had messed with the door lock so I couldn't get in at the front door but a neighbour climbed over the back fence & unlocked the back gate so I could get in, I packed as many bags as I could & left before exh came back. The first solicitor I saw advised me to take the police to force exh to leave, the police came with me but refused to force exh to leave, when we got there all his family were there & he refused to leave even though the house was mine & in my sole name, he had never contributed to the mortgage or bought anything in the house. I saw another solicitor who got me to court within a week, the judge refused to give me an occupation order straight away & listed the case for hearing 3 months later, he gave exh supervised access twice a week with ds, my parents agreed to supervise the access. I reported the rape to the police a month after he raped me, it took me all that time to tell anyone what he had done, I went to the rape suite, did the video interview, I got counselling sessions by a rape counsellor who realised I had PTSD, I was having nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, was suicidal & attempted 3 times to end my life with alcohol & pills, I was drinking to block out the pain I was suffering. I wasnt strong enough to cope with the hearing to get my house back & gave in so exh could remain in the house until he got a council place, I registered as homeless & eventually got a council house, at court I had to make a list of everything I wanted from the house, I got less than half of what I asked for despite the fact either myself or my parents had paid for everything including work done on the house like rewiring which my dad had done, tiling, decorating etc. In the meantime I had collapsed in pain & was admitted to hospital & a month later underwent a laparoscopy where the surgeon found I had extensive pelvic inflammatory disease which he suspected was partly caused by injuries I received during the rape as it was the only time we had sex for over 3 years, I had another laparoscopy to remove an ovarian cyst & to try to sort the damage but it was too extensive & the surgeon had to remove one ovary & both my tubes leaving me infertile. The day after my first surgery I heard that the police weren't going to charge exh with rape due to lack of evidence & not long after found out that my house wasn't fit to live in because exh had left it with no heating & pipes had burst bringing down all the ceilings & flooding it. My parents ended up paying for repairs that cost £5k to make it fit to be sold, as exh didn't have the money to pay for the damage he had caused, he finally signed to say he had no claim on the property, my divorce was finalised 7 months after I had left him, he divorced me for adultery as I had a new partner, I could have fought it but was advised it was easier to let him divorce me & fighting it would have meant months more in court & higher legal bills. Had I known what I know now I would have done what I have advised this lady to do, get as much as you can before leaving, secure as much property as you can & plan ahead for security.

billy1966 · 16/02/2020 16:10

@Nat6999...you poor woman. I am so sorry for what you have had to go through.

Nat6999 · 16/02/2020 16:47

He cost me my home,my job & my sanity, it will be a cold day in hell before I will forgive him, even 10 years on

BaolFan · 16/02/2020 17:10

Nat6999 you are incredibly strong and brave to have come through that and now be able to give advice to others. You sound amazing and I hope that you and your son are now flourishing Flowers

Nat6999 · 16/02/2020 18:00

I didn't feel strong or brave at the time, he nearly finished me, he has never admitted what he did & still thinks he did nothing wrong. Ds is 16 now & knows what his dad did, he no longer has anything to do with his dad. Although he was never charged with anything, he got his punishment, he suffers from MS & since we divorced has got much worse & is now in a wheelchair, a prisoner in his own home after spending a year in hospital unable to leave. That was as long as he would probably have got in prison had he been charged but he is now serving his life sentence.

Candace19 · 16/02/2020 18:05

Will you be liable for half the debt ?

Nat6999 · 16/02/2020 18:17

That is why I recommended checking credit files, to make sure her name has not been linked to any of the loans he has taken out & that he hasn't used the house as security.

Winter2020 · 16/02/2020 19:10

If you jointly own the property but think it is possible that your husband would extend the mortgage without your agreement consider the information here:
www.gov.uk/protect-land-property-from-fraud

Winter2020 · 16/02/2020 19:16

I'm sorry about your situation. It sounds like divorce might be the best thing in your circumstances as you have been unhappy for a long time. Your husband's mental health does sound poor so if you can encourage him to seek help and see his GP even if this is alongside separating. Can anyone help support you in real life? Do you have family or friends and is it time to tell them so they can help?

WhoAmIToTellYou · 16/02/2020 20:21

Nat6999, the stuff you’ve been through...horrible. Glad you had your parents on your side to support you through all of that and made it to the other side. Stuff like this changes you forever i’d imagine. What is wrong with some men.
Dh has a bit of temper but never overtly towards me but then again, that means nothing. I think it’s wise to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Thank you for support and advice- i will start getting things in order so that i’m ready when the s**t hits the fan. Will be scheduling appts with bank to find out if i can buy him out (i dont suppose bank will disclose my visit to him) and a solicitor.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 17/02/2020 14:11

I hope you manage to get things sorted good luck

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