Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for telling the girlfriend the truth?

88 replies

SquidwardTennisballs · 15/02/2020 11:58

Hi everyone I need some real perspective here and I think this is the most realistic place to get it.
So bit of backstory I have been seeing a man for roughly 7-8 months now. Spent a lot of time together, had very intimate relations, he declared his love for me, wanted me to move in with him and wanted me to go on holiday with him. We hit a rocky patch just after Christmas and pretty much stopped speaking. We then got back to talking about mid January but haven’t seen each other since December.
We’ve been talking normal like we do, he went away for a week on holiday with a few of his “mates” around the end of January and we had arranged to see each other.

However I have just found out that he has a girlfriend that he’s had for quite a while. I had absolutely no inkling of this girlfriend, there was absolutely nothing on any of his social media about her. I only found out through some accidental stalking. I confronted him and all I got back was a sorry. Turned out the holiday that he was on with his mates was with her baring in mind that whole holiday he was sending me dick pics and other explicit stuff.

I decided to tell the girlfriend as I didn’t think it was fair for him to do that especially after all the conversations and things me and him have done together. He is now however going ballistic at me saying that I have ruined his weekend with his kids, he now had to take them out and I’ve ruined everything. She has not yet contacted me about this whole situation but I imagine she will at some point.
I just want a realistic opinion that I did do the right thing and yes maybe I’ve ruined a relationship which I feel horrendous about and it’s really knocked me but this girl has spent so much time with him and had plans with him I just thought she deserved to know. So AIBU or did I do the right thing?
Thanks everyone (if you want to berate me about the situation then go ahead as I couldn’t possibly feel worse about myself than I already do)

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/02/2020 14:20

Yanbu, send one last message telling him not to contact you again and then go to the police if he harasses you.

Mammatino · 15/02/2020 14:20

You did the right thing. Not your fault. Not her fault. HIS FAULT. FILTHY ANIMAL. I hope you're OK you poor thing.

HannaYeah · 15/02/2020 14:21

I wonder why you feel badly? Is it really for telling her? Or because the entire situation is horrible?

He’s obviously using her, too for childcare. Only a narcissist would complain that you ruined their weekend and now they have to watch their own kids in response to getting caught doing something dastardly.

Also, men don’t send pictures like that to women they care about and respect.

LorenzoStDubois · 15/02/2020 14:23

He's a stupid fucking bastard.
You are well rid.
YANBU.

Willow2017 · 15/02/2020 14:23

I understand why you did it...basically you wanted to get your revenge on him, however in the process you have caused the other woman great hurt. Personally, I would not want that on my conscience.

FFS! HE has caused the hurt by screwing around with other women, sending them dick pics etc.
By the sounds of it he has been dumping his kids on the gf to look after seeing as he is more pissed off that he has to parent his own kids than anything his gf may be feeling. THink he thought he was on to a good thing there, what a shame he got found out eh? Bless his poor little cotton socks. Hmm

What an utter shitbag.
Well rid Op.

Ilovechinese · 15/02/2020 14:26

You did not ruin a relationship he did that! He led you both on and lied to you. You did absolutely the right thing to tell her!

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 15/02/2020 14:29

Frankly, if I was married to such wanker, I would like to know.

KurriKurri · 15/02/2020 14:29

I've been the wife who was cheated on - I wish I had known earlier, because it would have given me some control over my situation, and allowed me to make decisions. You might not be thanked by her (shoot the messenger and all that) but you have given her choice. It's up to her now whether she diches him or whether she wants to stay with a man who cheats, but at least she knows the score.
You haven't ruined anything - he has.

6079SmithW · 15/02/2020 14:30

It doesn't really matter what MN thinks, it's done now so try to stop worrying about how it's affected everyone else now and forgive yourself. You're an injured party in this too.
You have given this man's girlfriend the facts. It's up to her what she does about that.
As far as he's concerned, he was the person cheating so he has bought it all on himself. Time for him to face the consequences of his choices/behaviour.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 15/02/2020 14:32

I understand why you did it...basically you wanted to get your revenge on him, however in the process you have caused the other woman great hurt. Personally, I would not want that on my conscience.

So what do you do? You “protect” the woman with your silence to enabling him go on cheating until he finds “the one” or brings her a nice STD???

Some strange “consciences” people get...

AlpacaGoodnight · 15/02/2020 14:34

He's the one that ruined everything, you did the right thing!

conduitoffortune · 15/02/2020 14:35

The absolute cheek of him telling you that you've ruined his weekend. That's how little he thinks of women.

PooWillyBumBum · 15/02/2020 14:37

You have nothing to feel bad about. I hope you find an honest man deserving of your affections.

KatherineJaneway · 15/02/2020 14:42

I understand why you did it...basically you wanted to get your revenge on him, however in the process you have caused the other woman great hurt. Personally, I would not want that on my conscience.

OP didn't cause any 'hurt'. She simply alerted her of her bf's infidelity. That's on him, not on OP or the gf.

Hepsibar · 15/02/2020 14:44

Well done for being brave and taking control, rather than being the cast off who should take part in the conspiracy by keeping silent.

What she does is now up to her. I bet it isnt the first time nor the last time he will do this. I am pleased that you have escaped the bullet on this piece of dogs poo.

Pondlife87 · 15/02/2020 14:51

I was in this exact situation about 10 years ago. When he found out I had told his TWO other girlfriends he accused me of making him the villain of England. To which I replied he was the villain and I was a victim and to stop trying to deflect.
YOU are the victim here and he is a prize dickhead. He is just pissed off he can't play his games anymore and because he's such a narcissist he can't blame himself, so will blame you!You def did the right thing. The girlfriend may be upset, but it's not your fault and at least she knows the truth now rather than living a lie.

UserUser321 · 15/02/2020 14:54

You absolutely did the right thing.

crosstalk · 15/02/2020 14:54

OP Keep shots of the messages he sent just in case before you delete. You did the right thing if I've read it right - he has kids with woman 1, had woman 2 and you as woman 3? Even if the GF is the one with the kids his behaviour is hugely inappropriate, irresponsible and hateful. If he was sending you dicpix while on holiday with her ... both appalling, treacherous and abusive.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 15/02/2020 15:00

I have ruined his weekend with his kids, he now had to take them out and I’ve ruined everything.

That speaks volumes about the kind of man he is. He’s annoyed because he’s lost his babysitting service.

PrinnyPree · 15/02/2020 15:10

Good for you OP you have done absolutley nothing wrong and did the best thing by letting the girlfriend know. She's better knowing what the man is capable of even if she stays with him, it is not for you to protect his facade and let him continue his deception (although he may gaslight the GF and convince her you're a crazy stalker but there's not much you can do about that). You may not get any contact from her as it may be difficult for her to speak to you but please be assured you did 100% the right thing IMO and please don't feel awful for HIS deceit. It is his and his alone. Xxx

Original poster
SquidwardTennisballs · 15/02/2020 15:13

So just an update! She has contacted me back asking for evidence which I have provided for her. She is leaving him however it’s more complex than I thought as it turns out they live together! @crosstalk yes he has kids with woman number 1 (no idea who she is although is not with her) has long term girlfriend number 2 and then me as the flabby, stupid, side piece.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 15/02/2020 15:18

Good for her OP you have done her a massive favour.
Hope he has fun trying to juggle childcare and being a tosser Wink
Feel sorry for his kids though, he obviously has no time for them apart from having them out of obligation.

Lighteninginabottle27 · 15/02/2020 15:18

You are not stupid at all. We all make mistakes and try to see the best in people. If I was in your shoes I'd just ignore his messages. I wouldn't block because curiosity get the better of me but I certainly wouldn't credit him with a reply. You've given her what she needs, her decisions are here alone. Take care, do something nice for yourself this weekend maybe?

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2020 15:34

I'm so glad that gf2 is going to get rid. Without you taking the right step of providing her with information the truth she would have continued to life a 'false life. Eventually I'm sure the shit would have hit the fan, but by then she could have been so deeply enmeshed in his mess or (God forbid!) had a child with him herself.

I know of a situation where the two women (in this case it was wife and unwitting OW) who actually 'bonded' over their treatment by the skanky man and became BFFs. I became friends with an ex-gf who warned me that my (then) bf was an emotional cocklodger as he'd done the same to her. I ignored her advice, she said she'd be there when he broke my heart. He did, she was, and we're great friends to this day.

Justaboy · 15/02/2020 15:38

He is now however going ballistic at me saying that I have ruined his weekend with his kids, he now had to take them out and I’ve ruined everything

That .. strikes me as abuser in the making!..

Whats the facinsation with bolkes sending dick pics?

Swipe left for the next trending thread