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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for telling the girlfriend the truth?

88 replies

SquidwardTennisballs · 15/02/2020 11:58

Hi everyone I need some real perspective here and I think this is the most realistic place to get it.
So bit of backstory I have been seeing a man for roughly 7-8 months now. Spent a lot of time together, had very intimate relations, he declared his love for me, wanted me to move in with him and wanted me to go on holiday with him. We hit a rocky patch just after Christmas and pretty much stopped speaking. We then got back to talking about mid January but haven’t seen each other since December.
We’ve been talking normal like we do, he went away for a week on holiday with a few of his “mates” around the end of January and we had arranged to see each other.

However I have just found out that he has a girlfriend that he’s had for quite a while. I had absolutely no inkling of this girlfriend, there was absolutely nothing on any of his social media about her. I only found out through some accidental stalking. I confronted him and all I got back was a sorry. Turned out the holiday that he was on with his mates was with her baring in mind that whole holiday he was sending me dick pics and other explicit stuff.

I decided to tell the girlfriend as I didn’t think it was fair for him to do that especially after all the conversations and things me and him have done together. He is now however going ballistic at me saying that I have ruined his weekend with his kids, he now had to take them out and I’ve ruined everything. She has not yet contacted me about this whole situation but I imagine she will at some point.
I just want a realistic opinion that I did do the right thing and yes maybe I’ve ruined a relationship which I feel horrendous about and it’s really knocked me but this girl has spent so much time with him and had plans with him I just thought she deserved to know. So AIBU or did I do the right thing?
Thanks everyone (if you want to berate me about the situation then go ahead as I couldn’t possibly feel worse about myself than I already do)

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 15/02/2020 12:52

You did the right thing xxxxx

Original poster
SquidwardTennisballs · 15/02/2020 12:58

For anyone asking yes I’ve finished it. To be fair it was probably finished when we hit a rough patch back at Christmas but it’s just seemed to keep going, or more likely I wanted it to just keep going. I still haven’t heard anything off the girlfriend so who knows what her plan of action is but she is aware. I feel bloody horrendous.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/02/2020 13:02

Block him.

You did right but now you need to move on from him completely

dippyeggsandham · 15/02/2020 13:04

You were completely right to do what you did

AcrossthePond55 · 15/02/2020 13:12

saying that I have ruined his weekend with his kids, he now had to take them out and I’ve ruined everything

as far as I am no she is not which I guess makes it slightly better.

So from this I'm inferring that he's angry because he normally would take his kids to the GF's house to be entertained watched by her there. Instead he now has to actually parent his own DC and, gasp!, possibly spend money on them!!! Horrors!!

You've done the poor woman a massive favour. If I were she once I'd got over the shock, I'd send you flowers.

ZenNudist · 15/02/2020 13:16

Id have stayed out of it.

WaggleWiggle · 15/02/2020 13:17

Having been in this situation, I only wish the other woman had done what you did and told me. He’s a shit bag who deserves no protection and you’ve done her a favour.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2020 13:27

Wow, you've ruined his weekend.

And he thinks one weekend of his life is more important than a woman's heart.

Sickandscared · 15/02/2020 13:32

You absolutely did the right thing. Sorry he turned out to be such a rat but this will help you get over him super fast.

DrManhattan · 15/02/2020 13:33

Hes a skank. Get yourself checked out.

AWaspOnAWindowReturns · 15/02/2020 13:36

Totally the right thing to do.

Do you think the "rocky patch" was for his convenience, so he could spend Christmas/NY with the girlfriend without having to answer any questions?

Butterflyflower1234 · 15/02/2020 13:42

I agree you did the right thing. I also did the same when I realised a guy I hooked up with at a wedding had a girlfriend. She thanked me for telling the truth.

Just block him from everything and move forward.

Ginfordinner · 15/02/2020 13:44

You lost me at dick pics. I think any male who thinks sending dick pics is appropriate deserves everything he gets, let alone the fact that he is a lying cheating arsehole.

I second getting checked out.

crimsonlake · 15/02/2020 13:47

I understand why you did it...basically you wanted to get your revenge on him, however in the process you have caused the other woman great hurt. Personally, I would not want that on my conscience.

Slatkater · 15/02/2020 13:56

You’ve done her a big favour. She could have wasted years with that muppet and maybe had kids with him. At least now she knows what he is really like.

Daisy12Maisie · 15/02/2020 14:02

I would always, always want to know. I think you have done the right thing telling her.

KatherineJaneway · 15/02/2020 14:02

You’ve done her a big favour. She could have wasted years with that muppet and maybe had kids with him. At least now she knows what he is really like.

You can't guarantee she'll walk away though.

YakkityYakYakYak · 15/02/2020 14:03

@crimsonlake Hmm that’s such a twisted way of looking at this scenario.

She hasn’t caused anyone hurt, HE has. OP simply brought light to the situation so the girlfriend knows what she’s dealing with. Don’t blame a women for a mans wrongdoing.

MaintainTheMolehill · 15/02/2020 14:10

You haven't done anything wrong OP. However I echo what others have said about people who send pictures of their genitals. I haven't dated since I met my oh
When I was 17 - 22 years ago but surely this is not on? I might be old fashioned but I remember a time when my oh would tut if one of his friends were crude in front of me, what happened to being respected and in some ways being placed on a pedastool by your oh? Oh and the not cheating is always a bonus.
I hope you can find someone who treats you better. Know you're worth.

MaintainTheMolehill · 15/02/2020 14:11

*your

Piper1879 · 15/02/2020 14:12

You've done nothing wrong..... idiots like that always forget to cover their tracks and get found out ! YOU have NOTHING to feel bad about OP. If someone tells you they are single and gives that impression, all you can do is trust them.
You saved her and yourself a lot of heart ache

Hope you're ok

Original poster
SquidwardTennisballs · 15/02/2020 14:14

Thank you for your lovely messages! Honestly I did not do this as a “revenge” thing I just wanted to give the girlfriend enough information about what’s going on for her to then decide to what to do. Yes I will be getting myself checked out. I will be blocking him as I’ve just had some pretty nasty messages off him which hurt like hell.

OP posts:
Sweetandawfulsour · 15/02/2020 14:17

You did the right thing on a difficult day as they say. All you can do now is try and preserve any dignity and self respect that you and her have left.
My sister found out in a similar way, except the other woman was taunting her. The cheating ex, as bad as it was wasn’t half as bad as the OW twisting the knife.

dottiedodah · 15/02/2020 14:18

I think she has a right to know that her "boyfriend " is a cheat of the highest order ! I would be very surprised that you have not been the first and wont be the last either ! He is just hacked off about being found out! If he is sending pics of his privates to you, he sounds crude and immature IMO .You (and she) are well rid of him!

strawberry2017 · 15/02/2020 14:19

I think you did the right thing, you both deserve to know the truth.

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