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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Opinions please - texting on a night out!

46 replies

SconNotScone · 15/02/2020 08:17

I wanted to ask for your opinions on something my husband and I disagree on - just to be clear, I’m not losing any sleep over this, and not planning to LTB! Just quite curious - perhaps it is a male/female thing, or maybe I’m the one who is BU?!

So if your husband was on a night out (in a different city, staying over with friends, so you’re aware and happy he won’t be back that night) and you texted him quite early on in the evening saying “have a good night. Any idea what sort of time you’ll be home tomorrow?” - would he reply to you at some point during the night?

For context, I texted late afternoon to say “hope you managed to get away from work on time”. He was driving straight there, so got a reply a couple of hours later - 19:30ish - just arrived. I replied back immediately with the “have a good night, timings for tomorrow” text, but heard absolutely nothing.

It’s not the end of the world, we don’t have plans til the afternoon today, but it’s not the first time he’s done that! His opinion is that if you’re out with friends, it’s rude to have your phone out and be texting. I completely get that, and I agree in terms of sending multiple or lengthy texts to other people while you’re with company. But in my opinion, friends would understand you sending one quick text to confirm plans for the next day. These are all men in their mid-thirties, with wives and children, who I imagine would understand!

So MN, let me know what you think!

YABU = your husband is right, it’s rude to send even a quick text while you’re out with friends.

YANBU = you’re right, of course Wink what’s the harm in one quick text?!

OP posts:
Berrymuch · 15/02/2020 08:18

I would expect a rough time, but wouldn't hold him to it, as I would send a similar probably be back around midday but will see you tomorrow- but if it was earlier or later it obviously wouldn't matter. I wouldn't expect loads of texts though.

Socalm · 15/02/2020 08:22

When I'm out (rare) I usually forget to check my phone, and it ever so slightly annoys me when other ppl do, but I know it's normal. So I'm on your husband's side. I don't think you're unreasonable though.

DDiva · 15/02/2020 08:23

YANBU
But if hes been working, travelling and just arrived with friends hes now relaxing and enjoying seeing his friends not thinking about when he'll be back tomorrow so is NBU to forget to reply.

Lionsleepstonight · 15/02/2020 08:26

Id have asked him before he'd left, when we would have chatted about it.

Original poster
SconNotScone · 15/02/2020 08:28

Thanks for responses so far!

@Lionsleepstonight you make a good point, and usually that would happen, however due to work, we haven’t seen each other since Thursday first thing in the morning, and it sort of passed us by I think!

No plans to have a row with him about it, and I understand the people saying that they would probably arrive with friends, get caught up and forget.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 15/02/2020 08:29

I wouldnt expect a response c quickly but at a natural "break" eg when they all stagger back to hotel before bed or something or first thing in morning. I do find dh never texting annoying too but it seems to just be a thing.

Squirrelblanket · 15/02/2020 08:29

I wouldn't expect a text when he was out with his mates, especially not one about arrangements for coming back. Let him enjoy the evening first!

But I can't imagine a scenario where we wouldn't have already discussed what time he was coming back, especially if you have plans in the afternoon.

TheLionInside · 15/02/2020 08:32

My husband texts me when I’m out with updates of the kids etc. I think he’s just bored and looking for a chat but it drives me insaaaane. I haven’t told him though I just send him very quick and belated replies.

I’d get annoyed if he tried to tie me down to a time to be home before the night out had begun though. I know essentially curfewing him is not your intention here but I could see that it might be irritating and come across that way.

notanotherjigsawpiece · 15/02/2020 08:35

Personally I agree with your DH. My DH and I don’t text each other on nights out and both are relaxed about the times the other will be coming home at. I’d hate to have to check in or report to DH when I’d be home. Obviously the exception would be if one of us were working or had plans the next day, childcare issues etc.

redcarbluecar · 15/02/2020 08:36

Can see both sides really - you weren't being unreasonable in wanting the information, but he had a point about not texting when on a night out. In this situation I might have turned my phone off or left it in my hotel room so as not to be distracted by it. Not saying this would have been the case with him of course. It's annoying when you're out with people who remain glued to their phones. Do you feel this is indicative of bigger issues?

Original poster
SconNotScone · 15/02/2020 08:37

I’m aware I probably sound defensive here, but I don’t think he would view it as me trying to tie him down with a a curfew. We are fairly relaxed about these things, and if he said he planned to head off around midday, I would know that he may not 100% stick to that, and wouldn’t be upset.

I think it’s partly the not being able to answer the “will daddy be home before I go to grandma’s house?” type questions that make it a bit annoying!

OP posts:
lilmisstoldyouso · 15/02/2020 08:37

Are you his keeper OP ?

Or his parent?

Can't you manage 18 hours alone with the kids?

How would "yeah, about lunch time I think" make a difference to your plans?

I hate this idea that it's acceptable to micro manage your partners life. I'm sure he's grown up enough to return at a reasonable time without having to check in like a 12 year old.

Your behaviour is corrosive, do the you see that? Subtly imposing limits on how your partner spends their time, making sure you always have to remind them of their responsibilities because obviously they are too immature to make decisions themselves.

Good thing you're around OP, live would just descend into chaos without your superior logistical skills. Imagine if your partner was allowed to make a decision on his own . . . Hmm

LemonTT · 15/02/2020 08:38

I don’t look at my phone when I am out unless I have a proper reason to. I would forgive someone new in a relationship doing it or someone who had kids. Basically if you have a good reason or something was urgent. Otherwise it is quite tacky.

There’s nothing urgent about your question. If you needed him back that would be part of the arrangements or you would have said “I need you back by 4 because ....”.

He may have seen it and have been thinking about the answer. But you don’t need an urgent answer.

No harm, no foul here.

Wheelerdeeler · 15/02/2020 08:38

My Dh was away last weekend and I.bloody felt I was there too with the constant updates. I think he actually wasn't enjoying the trip. If he's on a "good" night out I dont hear from him.

But no excuse for not answering your text.

Original poster
SconNotScone · 15/02/2020 08:39

@redcarbluecar No definitely not indicative of bigger issues! We have a really good relationship, good split of household tasks, child-related stuff, etc. Very happy, this is just a mere niggle!

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 15/02/2020 08:39

I agree that it's rude to be on your phone frequently/for long periods of time when you're out with friends. But it takes seconds to send one text! He could easily have answered your question without seeming rude. I doubt anyone would even have noticed. YANBU to want a rough idea of what time to expect him home but maybe he didn't want to commit himself so this thing about not wanting to be rude is a bit of an excuse.

teenagetantrums · 15/02/2020 08:40

I would have replied. My DP however would not. Just because she never checks her phone it won't bother me at all.

TreatMyself · 15/02/2020 08:40

I don’t think you should be asking him when he is coming back when he has just gone on a night out which you both knew about in advance. I would hate that if I were him.

Wonkywyebrows · 15/02/2020 08:41

I think it’s partly the not being able to answer the “will daddy be home before I go to grandma’s house?” type questions that make it a bit annoying!

The answer to this is I don’t know, daddy is away for the weekend - then distract with whatever. Surely you just get on with your plans and if he’s there he’s there

isittooearlyforgin · 15/02/2020 08:44

It’s not rude to send a quick text but I feel when my husband does this to me that it’s a subconscious effort to control me in that I don’t want to be thinking about home arrangements when I’m out, I want to enjoy myself and be in the moment.

Original poster
SconNotScone · 15/02/2020 08:45

Strong feelings from @lilmisstoldyouso there! I struggle to see how “any idea what sort of time you’ll be home?” is corrosive. I think, if there are weekend plans involved, and a child asking if they might get to see their dad before going on a sleepover for the weekend, it’s ok to ask the question surely?! If I demanded a return time from him, then battered him or yelled at him the moment he walked in the door late, then of course that behaviour would be unacceptable. But in my world, it’s not unusual to have an idea of weekend timings! Shock horror, he sometimes asks me the same question!

OP posts:
Original poster
SconNotScone · 15/02/2020 08:46

I fully accept that lots of people agree with my husband! As I said in my OP, this isn’t something we fall out over, or I plan on raising with him, it is curiosity, and of course the usual case of two people with differing opinions both knowing they’re right Wink

OP posts:
CalamityJune · 15/02/2020 08:51

I think I would expect a quick reply to one text message at some point, not instantly. I would not expect to be having a back and forth conversation.

I don't think it would especially bother me though unless I really needed to know, but then in which case I would have asked sooner.

TreatMyself · 15/02/2020 08:56

It’s fine to have an idea of weekend timings, of course it is! But why didn’t you have a chat about it before he went or when he told you he planned to go out that weekend or at least the day before, not when he was already out!

pumpkinpie01 · 15/02/2020 08:57

I very rarely text my DH if he is out or away for the night , he would normally text me first which I wouldn't ignore. But I am of the opinion he has gone for a little well deserved break and doesn't need to update me on his plans. Our ds was in hospital all weekend once when DH was on a stag do in Prague I never told him all weekend as there was nothing he could do and it would ruin his weekend.