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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - fiancé actively looking at OW

64 replies

Sweetandawfulsour · 14/02/2020 23:29

Picture the scene, I’ve cooked a 3 course meal, poured him a glass of bubbly and even cared for his DS all day for him to sit on his phone and browse a subreddit called prettygirls the moment I’m out the room.
I’m not ugly, nor am I classically beautiful so I can see why he and the rest of males would glance at passing ladies. But to actively search and subscribe to prettygirls post and to browse on Valentines Day seems cheeky. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 15/02/2020 00:32

Ffs.

Mothership4two · 15/02/2020 00:44

I am so behind the times, I don't know what a subreddit is. Was he looking at pictures of attractive women or porn photos?

Lockheart · 15/02/2020 00:50

A subreddit with a name like that is unlikely to be a dating site, just a sub that collates pictures of pretty women. It'd be a bit like scrolling through Instagram using #sexyladies (or whatever). Possibly some pornographic leaning but I'm on my phone and can't be bothered to go and look for myself right now.

I'd be pissed off but I wouldn't class it as cheating, no more than my ogling of Henry cavil is cheating anyway. However it's very disrespectful to do it on valentine's when your other half is making a huge effort for you.

Sweetandawfulsour · 15/02/2020 00:52

He’s the father to my son Confused
It’s largely attractive women, ranging from celebs, porn stars and “girl next door” type of teenager. All safe for work viewing. I’d rather it was porn weirdly.

OP posts:
Sweetandawfulsour · 15/02/2020 01:01

I feel people have made too much out of something here. I just wanted to know whether it’s tolerable behaviour. It’s not for me.
All round he’s a decent chap, loves me and I’ve no reason to doubt he’s got anything but our best interests at heart.
I’ve caught him perving, he was pretty shameless about it and it’s left me feeling about an inch tall. Ill sleep the wine off and have a chat with him tomorrow.
Peace.

OP posts:
BluebonicPlague · 15/02/2020 01:04

At the least, it's very disrespectful. Maybe you're OK with that.

TheWordmeister · 15/02/2020 01:04

Ew. Try and scrape your self esteem off the floor. Throw him out.

This is not normal.

I’d rather be alone than with some saddo like him from whom I had to drag compliments.

BillHadersNewWife · 15/02/2020 01:05

"Girl next door type teenagers"

No.

OP NO!

That's NOT ok at all.

BluebonicPlague · 15/02/2020 01:09

I just wanted to know whether it’s tolerable behaviour. It’s not for me.
That's all that matters, tbh.

I’ve caught him perving, he was pretty shameless about it and it’s left me feeling about an inch tall.
Just listen to yourself. What a prince among men.

You are worth more than this. Flowers

dontgobaconmyheart · 15/02/2020 01:17

OP he sounds pathetic, perving on screenshots of attractive women that wouldn't look twice at him on the internet with all the other saddos, vile and misogynistic behaviour.

He's not the one for you OP. The fact you are bloody asking him and thinking about what is wrong with you is evidence of just how damaging this relationship is for you. It should lift you up for gods sake, not tear you down and I couldn't find a man that tragic attractive anyway.

Sorry if that's blunt OP, but you don't need that in your life, he has made you value yourself less and that is an awful thing to get out of a relationship Flowers

ClappyFlappy · 15/02/2020 01:21

YANBU. What a dick!

MashedSpud · 15/02/2020 01:31

Get rid.

You deserve someone who makes you feel a mile tall, not an inch.

Lweji · 15/02/2020 01:44

He's not a decent chap, fgs.

Why are you with him?

PapayaCoconut · 15/02/2020 01:51

Don’t know whether it’s the Post baby blues, the lack of self confidence or what?

Bloody hell, you had his baby and he treats you like this? No it's not you, it's definitely him.

Girl next door type teenagers
Excuse me while I throw up in this bucket.

Ill sleep the wine off and have a chat with him tomorrow.
Good luck with that. He's probably going to gaslight you into thinking you're being overly sensitive and "all men do it" etc, etc. You'll probably end up apologising to him. (Yeah, I had one like this many years ago...)

Sorry you're going through this. You gave birth to his child. He should be treating you like a bloody goddess.

HeadachesByTheDozen · 15/02/2020 01:54

OP, of course reading people say it like it is, when it is a man you love, is very confronting. We understand that, and we understand you feeling defensive now, and wanting to defend him.

However, please truly listen with an open mind and heart to what posters are saying. This is not at all normal behaviour of a man about to marry the woman he loves. Not at all. It's something I'd expect from a man who has been married 10 or 20 years (and it is still wrong), not someone in the 'honeymoon' stages of a relationship. When a man loves a woman, he will not notice any woman, let alone look at them. Let alone search them on the net. And he does this every day? That he's scrolling so fast when you enter the room, means he knows he is doing the wrong thing.

You can say he is a decent chap all you want, but 'decent chaps' don't do what he does. He is outright disrespecting you, and even admitting to it ("some girl"). Shameless about it, and not even feeling guilty. Are you honestly going to settle for that?

How can you say he has your best interests at heart? If it was occasionally maybe, but it is a fixated daily habit. You'd be fooling yourself if you honestly, genuinely think his obsession won't get the better of him and cheat. It's bad enough he disrespects you, don't disrespect yourself. Somewhere out there there's a man who will treat you with respect. R.E.S.P.E.C.T find out what it means to you (as the song goes). Respect yourself enough to deem yourself worthy of more, and walk away. Better you do it now, before you marry and he leaves you for an OW. And it will happen. Hold your head up high, believe in yourself and the sisterhood, and leave with your self respect in tact.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 15/02/2020 02:08

I agree with @HeadachesByTheDozen. It's the lack of respect that's the problem. He does it in front of you because he doesn't respect you, OP. You need to show him that you require respect and if you don't receive it, you'll be walking away.

I know my DH has a sneaky peek at photos sometimes, but he'd never dare do it in front of me, I'd call him out on it! You both have the right to be respected by your other half so make that clear to him.
Flowers

user1473878824 · 15/02/2020 02:13

@Sweetandawfulsour, love this isn’t okay at all. It’s grim and creepy and it’s fucking weird to be honest. If I found out DP was doing this I would be deeply hurt and also a lot of me would be going wtf?! For him to be doing it in front of you like it’s fine is mental. You need to speak to him and to be honest never mind whether he does it again, if he doesn’t get it he should be getting his marching orders. If he’s incredibly lucky, a second and last chance.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/02/2020 02:20

Oh, the way you wrote your initial post sounded like the son you were looking after was not also yours. I see now that it is.

Pity really - he shouldn't be perving on other women, especially not on Valentine's Day, he should be far more caring of you.

Maybe stop being a "cool fiancée" and casually asking him about whom he's perving on, like it's nothing, and have a serious chat about how it's making you feel.

If he's a half decent bloke he'll stop doing it, or at least stop doing it so overtly so you know about it. If he doesn't stop - well you have a bigger problem.

Funtcase95 · 15/02/2020 03:08

Could've written this myself. DD is 12 weeks old and everyone has said I've snapped straight back to myself and am looking good however - used DH phone to send someone a message on Instagram (left my phone at home accidentally & asked permission to use his phone) and saw his search history was all girls, glamour models etc. He admitted he searches for them when I'm with him, nursing our baby, cleaning the house, cooking for him etc. Makes you feel like absolute dirt doesn't it. Sorry OP, I know how you feel.

leafyskyline · 15/02/2020 05:01

It is not normal behaviour, the way you seem so resigned to it just makes me really sad for you OP.

It's the kind of thing I'd imagine an incel would spend their days contributing too and looking at. Not a man with an actual partner.

The fact he's doing this in front of you, when you've just had his baby, whilst you're cooking a romantic meal for him...the level of disrespect is truly mind blowing. Please see just how much more you're worth.

Watermelontea · 15/02/2020 05:32

Another apologist OP who posts that they’re being hurt, but ends up saying he’s a great guy, if he was so great you wouldn’t have a need to post about his shitty behaviour.
I hope you enjoy feeling like this, as it’ll happen again and again, until you come to your senses.
Peace.

joystir59 · 15/02/2020 05:53

Your partner should never do things that make you feel small or unvalued. OP you are in a bad relationship that will wear you down more and More. Me and my OH love each other. We make it clear all the time in a million little ways that we respect and love each other. We would be heartbroken to hurt the other the way this twat hurts you.

DrManhattan · 15/02/2020 06:33

Gross. You would be better off on your own.

AlwaysCheddar · 15/02/2020 07:43

What a tosser. Kick him out.

Winterwoollies · 15/02/2020 07:54

@BruceAndNosh yes. It was literally in the second and third line of the post.