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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in ending my relationship?

27 replies

ims0rrydarlin · 14/02/2020 14:15

Just a bit of background;

DP and I are both in our early 30s. We’re engaged to be married. He lives 120 miles from me. We’re both Asian & Muslim.

His Dad doesn’t approve of me. His reasoning is I’m not attractive, I’m fat and I don’t wear a headscarf.

I’ve posted about this before, about a month ago and my partner and I had decided he would give it a few weeks and speak to his Dad again. His Dad has flat out refused to accept me and has basically said it’s either them or me. If we get married, my partner will be disowned.

He’s been married before but got divorced a few years ago. It was an arranged marriage and his dad wants to arrange his second marriage also.

I don’t have a mum to discuss this with, and I have kinda confided in with my friend about this, but just wanted to get it off my chest and maybe gain some advice.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 14/02/2020 14:20

If you marry him this will be a constant battle in your life.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 14/02/2020 14:23

Do you like him?

You haven’t mentioned how you feel about him at all.

CakeandCustard28 · 14/02/2020 14:25

I was In a similar situation only not religious background. I choose him in the end and I didn’t regret it. My parents eventually came round to it did take many years though. Is he willing to marry you and disown his family? What’s his thoughts/actions over this?

MatildaTheCat · 14/02/2020 14:27

I remember you posting. The fact that he told you what his DF said about you is enough to end the relationship.

It doesn’t sound as if you know each other very well or are very emotionally attached to one another. As above, if you marry you will be marrying into a family where this sort of comment is considered normal and ok.

Move on and focus on yourself and your self confidence and esteem.

BrimfulofSasha · 14/02/2020 14:27

Your partner is divorced, so perhaps isn't so bothered about tradition.

If you love each other and want to support each other go it alone. Do you think he could leave his parents for you? I understand you not wanting to make him choose.

I really feel for you, it's a horrible situation that no-one raised by western/christian beliefs will really understand.

JKScot4 · 14/02/2020 14:27

Is he the divorced infertile guy?
Surely he’s not considered a catch? His dad has a bloody cheek, what a horrible man.
Time for your fiancé to make decisions and for you to decide if this is the life you want.

Original poster
ims0rrydarlin · 14/02/2020 14:29

We both want to marry each other. There’s no question about how we feel about each other. He was really upset about it and cried over the phone. He tried to reassure me and said he is going to fight for me and even if it means getting married to me without his dads consent.

He says he’s exhausted his reasonings for choosing me and feels frustrated and hurt by his dad.

Islamically the reasonings his dad has given don’t stand. He’s bothered about the headscarf but the headscarf is for God anyway, so not sure what difference it makes.

I’m not fat nor ugly but that’s what his Dad says.

I love him and there’s no doubt in my mind he’s the one for me but this is the second time I feel disrespected by his Dad. His mum and siblings are okay with me and have met me. His Dad won’t even agree to meet me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ims0rrydarlin · 14/02/2020 14:30

Yes he’s the divorced infertile guy.
His dad has told him to completely cut me off.

OP posts:
FizzyIce · 14/02/2020 14:34

How awful.
I suppose really it comes down to how much you can put up with .
His dad sounds bloody awful and I think he would be a constant source of tension in your marriage and your dp may come to resent you for it .
Personally , I think I’d have to cut my losses .

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/02/2020 14:35

I would be thinking quite hard about whether your partner's dad's attitude contributed to the ending of his previous marriage.

Original poster
ims0rrydarlin · 14/02/2020 14:43

He did say to me he is willing to marry me without his dads approval and we’d go live elsewhere until they came around. I don’t want to be the cause of resentment though as I know he’s always been close to his family.

OP posts:
TheGirlWithAPrince · 14/02/2020 14:51

To be honest I couldn't marry someone if it meant I was taking them away from there family no matter how much I loved him.

Moomin12345 · 14/02/2020 14:58

@TheGirlWithAPrince "taking them away from their family?" You make it sound like she's marrying a helpless toddler who will be sad to away from his parents, not encouraging an adult man to separate from his obnoxious controlling judgmental father (who, I bet, is not an oil painting himself).

Motoko · 14/02/2020 14:59

And what if his dad doesn't ever come round? His dad has said he'll disown him, and he sounds serious, so I don't think he will ever accept you. You need to plan for worst case scenario, your partner needs to forget about entertaining thoughts of his dad having a change of heart, and make his decision on being disowned by him, for ever.

Andsbk · 14/02/2020 15:03

Maybe you should try to wear a headscarf so his dad understands how much you love him. Prove his dad that you deserve to be in his family
If you start fighting and be against his family your relation will never last... 🙄 💝

Frenchw1fe · 14/02/2020 15:06

@TheGirlWithAPrince unless you've been in that situation I don't think you can say that.
My fil married my mil against his mother's wishes. Fil's mother was horrible to her but a good grandmother to my dh and his siblings.
They had a very happy marriage and were better for being together.

FlaskMaster · 14/02/2020 15:07

You posted this same thing ages ago. What's happened in the meantime? Nothing, and your oh is just stalling on a wedding? His dad has made it clear, it's you or him, your oh needs to choose you decisively and with huge certainty. He's already taken way too long about this decision and I'd have made it for him by leaving before now. If he's this indecisive already, what's he going to be like every time you have an argument, when you get older, fatter, when the relationship gets hard, is he in it 100% or not.

katy1213 · 14/02/2020 15:13

I'd be worried about marrying a man in his 30s who was weeping over what his father thought.
Do you really love him? It doesn't come across in the way you write. Or are you settling for what's available as your culture encourages you to feel that in your 30s you're 'on the shelf?' And, horrors - would you be expected to live with these in-laws after you married? If your fiancé can't stand up for himself now, it doesn't bode well for the future.

Original poster
ims0rrydarlin · 14/02/2020 15:17

I do really love him, I just wanted to stick to the main points in this given scenario. I don’t come from a backwards family thankfully, so I don’t feel I’m on the shelf nor am I settling.

I wouldn’t be expected to live with them as he has his own property we’re doing up.

OP posts:
TheGirlWithAPrince · 14/02/2020 15:19

@Frenchw1fe actually I sort of have been, we are married now but it started with me leaving him for 6 months as his family were against me as I was from another country Now his father has passed on and his mum doesn't see him much as lives in home country so we got married because we still loved each other

JKScot4 · 14/02/2020 15:35

Tbh I’d walk away, how truthful is he that his dad said these things? is he trying to get you to break up? Who tells their fiancée- who isn’t fat- that his dad or anyone called her fat/ugly?
It all sounds manipulative and calculated.

Original poster
ims0rrydarlin · 14/02/2020 15:42

I don’t think he’s trying to get me to break up. When I spoke to him this morning on the phone he was crying about the kick off he’s had with his Dad. If he wanted to end things why not be outright about it.

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 14/02/2020 15:47

Because a lot of people are cowards and if he gets you to dump him it garners him more sympathy and support from his family.
I think he sounds quite pathetic and cruel to you.

Motoko · 14/02/2020 15:55

I agree with what @FlaskMaster said. If he loved you enough, he would have told his dad that his views are disgusting and he doesn't give a toss what he thinks. He loves you, so your dad can either accept it, or go ahead and disown him.
The fact that he hasn't, shows how weak he is, which will cause more problems down the line.

I think you should leave him. BTW, I hope you haven't put any money into doing up his house.

Motoko · 14/02/2020 15:56

*his dad, not your dad.