To feel like I'm getting life wrong...

[stilltiredinthemorning]

I'm 41, married with 2 preschoolers. I feel like we work really hard and try to do everything 'right'. I have a fairly senior job as a paediatric HCP, which I do 3 days a week. My husband works in management for a large retail firm. Our kids are perhaps not the easiest, but no significant additional needs. I feel like:

• We are permanently skint even though we budget, rarely buy ourselves luxury items, don't go on holiday etc.
• Are permanently exhausted and wouldn't want to go out if we had the opportunity, which we don't.
• My career, which I've tried so hard to achieve is thankless and depresssing
• Our house is frequently a mess and needs loads of stuff changing, which we have neither the time nor the money to achieve and aren't likely to any time soon

I've started having terrible anxiety and sometimes feel like I'm having one long panic attack. I think it's because I just feel like we're drowning in it all and there is no respite/change in sight.

Other people don't seem to find what is essentially a rather normal and fairly privileged life nearly as difficult!

AIBU to think we're just getting it wrong?

If I have enabled the voting (I can't tell!?) I didn't mean to!

Are you my twin? I’m also 41, 3 kids, stressful job in the NHS with crappy antisocial hours. I too feel like I don’t excel either at home or at work cos I’m too knackered to do either well.

I wish I knew the answer; not sure it helps but I do know lots of people (women it had to be said) who feel the same. Watching with interest.

Your money is being spent on something, so work out if there's a possibility to budget.

Two preschoolers are tiring. Things will get easier.

Is there decluttering you can do and improve your storage etc?

It sounds like you are stagnanting, you need something to look forward to and some fun.

Make fun plans for the summer. It doesn't need to cost a lot.

Would you be better off working full time? I guess not while they are preschoolers..

I have found significantly lowering my standards re: the state of the house has helped a lot.

Do you get enough sleep? Exercise? Those things can make a big difference to how you feel.

It will get easier as they get older!

Try sport and more sex.

It’s the two pre schoolers thing! Exhausting.

I feel the same, my circumstances are very similar. I just keep talling myself it will be easier in a year or two. Hang in there!

You are only getting it 'wrong' if its having such a detrimental effect on you.

Things will be at there hardest with two preschoolers - they take so much time and effort and childcare is expensive. So things may not improve until they are both at school.

In the short term though, I would address getting the house in order. Just a bit at a time if that's all you have energy for and get the kids out of the house with one parent while the other makes some progress. Once you get on top of it and get a bit of a routine, it's much easier to stay on top of.

Long term you may have scope to take a sideways step into a similar but different job? Something more rewarding or not so full of drudge. (Which also may feel worse atm because being a parent to preschoolers can be thankless and monotonous too). Short term, can you find any little ways to make your days nicer? A walk at lunch, a special meal cooked together at the weekend, a hot bath and a book after a particularly shit day at work, a slice of cake and a coffee? Little things but whatever works for you can give you a little lift at least.

Is it time to see the GP to get your panic attacks under control? There are lots of resources online, books you can get to help you deal with this issue.

But basically, if I were you, I'd try and stop thinking that you are getting things wrong and accept that this is a hard, chaotic, difficult time for lots of people juggling small kids and working and that you are honestly doing just fine. Things will get easier in the next few years as they start school, get more independent and childcare costs decrease. You may go back full time which will obviously increase your family income too. Id give thought to, and write down, a short term plan of how you can improve the house (realistically with the time and money you have), how you can improve your working day and if theres any way you can make some savings so that you have a bit of cash to put towards something to look forward to, even if it's just a weekend break away. Then, I'd get together a longer term plan, where would you like to direct your career, what needs doing to the house over the next five years (again, realistically) and how can you improve incomings/outgoings so that things feel more manageable. Do you have a large mortgage, can you downsize, is it better for your overall family life if you live somewhere a bit cheaper etc.

Sorry, that was a total essay...I'm sitting on DSs floor waiting for him to fall asleep and got a bit carried away

I have a 12 and 9 year old, one with ASD. I work a 0.7 wte NHS finance role which gets more difficult every year (but I stay because it's part time). Even though we are knackered and the house is a mess we make time for socialising and interests. I do a couple of aerobics classes a week and do a hobby which is sociable (and cheap). That's how we survive. I always have stuff on the calendar to look forward to, gig, coffee with a friend, girls night. Very occasionally I get to go out with DH!

Once your kids are in school you will be saving childcare costs. It gets physically easier (although friendship issues, hormones and getting involved with homework sets in).

You're 41 with 2 preschoolers - say no more!! When they're at school money should be a little easier (I assume). If you keep the same work hours you can get on top of the house while they're at school or working full time when they are also out of the house should be easier..

It all gets easier! For me, when my youngest turned 3, there was a big shift. Those early years were chaos. So hard. I think other people get more family support or cope better without sleep? I don't know.

Me too! Also work for NHS, am permanently knackered, overwhelmed & BORED. Watching thread for some tips

It will get better once they’re at school!
They’ll be easier to manage and childcare expenses will be less.

In the meantime, go out and about with the dcs to free places. Let everyone have a run around in fresh air. It’s good for everyone and then being at home should be easier.
Being skint is horrible but it’s still important to go out and do stuff so life doesn’t become a misery.
We went through some tough times when dh was made redundant but we still went to local parks, farms and woodlands regularly. We took flasks of hot chocolate for the dcs, coffee for us and snacks or lunches.
We took footballs, frisbees and kites.
Find activities in local libraries and museums too.
Our dcs were a bit older and they had no idea that we were skint at the time.

Eat well, get lots of fresh air, go to bed at a reasonable time, get a list of easy cheap but healthy meals and a routine to keep on top of housework. Lower your standards for the time being.
Make sure your dh does his fair share too.

I absolutely have felt all this.... and still do, often.
But you need to give yourself a break.
Count your lucky stars
And remember how much you have achieved rather than focussing on the negatives.
There's housework to be done, but that means you have a home and possessions to tidy.
You have to work, that's means you're intelligent and employable.
You're tired from the kids but that means you've been lucky enough to be able to have a family.
I think social media is a dreadful beast - showing us these people with wonderful houses, great bodies and well behaved perfectly dressed children- it's not achievable!!!!
Please stop measuring yourself against others and focus on putting a smile on your children's faces. In the end, that's the only thing that matters x

I hear you!! Need to sort our lives out, ran out of money when doing up our house so it’s half finished chaos. Constantly running to work / school / childminder - stressed about career and lack of time with children. We bring in 118k combined but constantly skint/ worried about money, definitely doing something wrong,

Are you in the right job.

Does your dh feel the same way?

I agree about writing everything down you spend
Even keep your till receipts for a month to find out exactly where your money is going.

Declutter take your influence from Marie Kondo

Would working ft and getting a cleaner help.

If your dh feels the same way maybe it is time to think of a completely different way of life.

Both write down what makes you unhappy and see what needs changing.

It is at times like this people sell everything and go abroad to make a new life.

If it is just the money then once you have cut your outgoings look at what extra income you can get.
Maybe going ft.
Renting out a parking space
Renting out a room a couple of nights per week.
Matched betting.

In a couple of years, they'll be at school and that really will make a big difference. They'll be able to do more for themselves and you won't be spending such a hugh chunk on childcare. Hang on in there, OP, things will get better.

I feel exactly the same. The pressure is relentless. I feel me and DH have got ourselves into a trap to pay off mortgage so that DC will be okay but we just don’t enjoy our work / life balance.

Do you have anything in your life for yourself? I have one preschooler and I feel like I don’t get a minute to myself. I’m either parenting or cooking or cleaning or working, and we’re not rich and the house is never clean. That’s just what life with preschool children is like. But you need something you enjoy, even if it’s not expensive. DH likes to play music and draw, I like gardening and video games.

2 preschoolers aren’t exactly the most relaxing of people.

I was always on tenterhooks wondering what they would do next

That alone would make you exhausted

At only 33 and with a toddler I've been in that position. I was pressured to return early from mat leave to a busy ss type role 3 days a week which just means I run around sorting DDs childcare, working and then seemingly doing everything else as DH works FT on an ok but not great wage. Now pay has dropped and with the added costs of a child we're tired and broke. I had to budget hard to afford a new pair of jeans last month (my other pair had a hole in the groin) and it just felt pathetic. I'm up at 5am on a work day for that! I've had enough and I'm re-training to set up an SE business I can work flexibly around DD, whilst earning a livable wage. I had PND, PNA and panic attacks and when ADs failed I realised I just had 'shit life syndrome' and needed to start working out why we were all so unhappy. When I pinpointed the issue I could start to change them.

You aren't getting it wrong - but perhaps just need to make adjustments. I can't help on the career (my field is very different). But 2 things stood out from your post to me:

1. Budget - spend all household and sole expenses on a card, download all the transactions each month and see what you spend your money on. Too many takeaways? Tuition fees? It'll be going somewhere. Once you see where you can take action and address it.

1. House - really consider doing a "marie kondo" on your house and getting it super tidy (google/read her book). I have done this and it has literally changed our lives for several years now. We have everything in it's place, zero "stuff", clothes are always in order, we don't buy junk, if we are given something we don't want it goes to charity, never buy anything unless it's a replacement or you know where you'll keep it etc.... once it is tidy it is easy to keep that way and keep clean. That is a massive game changer. If you only have to do 30 mins cleaning rather than an hour and a half for a tidy and clean it's a massive difference.

Honestly this bit of life hasn’t been at all what I thought it would be. My dc are a bit older (primary age) but it’s just one long hard slog most of the time.

I don’t know the answer, but I hear you.

Preschoolers and working is a horrid combination. You don't feel like you're giving 100% or anything, and you're always running to catch up with yourself.

All I can say is that it gets better. But if you can, try and book a time that you and your husband can do things that aren't parenting, wifework or work every week. I don't mean together but do you have any time to go to eg a yoga class once a week and amble home? Or a choir and have a glass of wine afterwards?

It's the erosion of time for yourself which is so bloody demoralising

I'm in a similar place to you. Around same age, 2 under 5s, work 3 days a week as a senior Paeds HCP. financies are fine for us but my house looks like a bombsite most of the time, I'm absolutely knackered and feel I'm failing at my career as I don't have the time or energy to invest on it.

Don't discount how shit things are in the NHS at the moment. It feels like it's about to break and running heavily off goodwill of staff. Esp if you work in Paeds, the emotional impact of that is huge. I find it the hardest bit of my job, to switch off/ be able to process upsetting/ distressing/ heartbreaking scenes. Then you probably rush home to two children desparate for your attention. When they are in bed you are them rushing round trying to sort the house. It's never ending and the downtime I used to rely on to process/ destress from the day doesn't happen any more.

It will get easier when they are in school, but you need a plan before you burn out.